Adderall Consumed My Life

As I type this story all of my surroundings are consistently moving, or at least it seems to be, as my heart beats out of my chest, and as the constant twitching and shivering of my body reminds me of how recklessly stupid I have been in the past 48hrs. Within the past few hours I have consumed up to 160mg of adderall, and even though I knew the truth before, I am finally admitting to myself that I have become dependent on this drug. I feel as though the last 2 yrs of my life did not exist, and that I am not here right now. I just keep telling myself that this is a nightmare and I just have to wake up, but it's finally time for me to be honest with myself. For the past 2 yrs of my life I have done an excellent job hiding my daily consumption of Adderall. But within the past yr it has become a major problem in my life. My daily consumption is usually anywhere from 60-160mg/day as i try desperately to get that wonderful speed that i use to get from it. I am not much of a drug experimenter, but when it comes to adderall I will spend my last dollar to stay stocked up.

About 4 months ago I successfully quit for an entire month, which was a huge accomplishment for me, but became highly depressed, antisocial, agitated and constantly late for work because I could not get out of bed. I could not deal with myself anymore so as of 48hrs ago, I am no longer sober. Now I can feel it all coming back again. This constant circle that has no escape, I am now back to the start.

I want to stop this drug so badly, but I have given my life to adderall and pushed everyone else out, therefore I have no one and I know I can't do this alone. I have become so far away from the person I use to be, and I can't seem to find my way back. I just don't know what to do anymore. Each exit leads to another entrance and the cycle goes on and on. This is my first time ever sharing this with anyone, and I hope that someday I will have the courage to show this same story to my mother and finally get the help that I know I need. If any recovering addicts would like to tell me how you did it, I would greatly appreciate it!
22-25, F
4 Responses Jan 15, 2013

I feel your pain believe me, I endured it for years. Taking those breaks like you mentioned above are good, I believe that will help you ultimately when you decide to quit, which i have recently done. I know its hard to do but try to keep your spirits up and things will work out with this. I'm here if ya need to talk

I quit tweaking by coming completly clean with my parents and told them i cant keep this up. For me i was taking 250 mg vyvanse and 200-250 mg adderall a day. I thought there was no other way to live but trust me there is. After spending 5 years of my life on speed i thouught that was how i had to cope. But then after a five day binge i finally lost the will to get tweaked. I hope this helps. I know exactly how you feel.

You're certainly not alone. As a matter of fact, as you were writing the above story, I was actually in the process of ending my month long Adderall "break"...and by 'break' of course I mean, I stopped taking them after a binge which ended in the worst crash and anxiety ive ever had. I swore I would never touch them again. Meanwhile back at the ranch one month later, I'm shoveling down doses like breath mints and obsessively worrying about my heart exploding. Awesome life huh? ugh . Thank you for sharing with us. It really does help to know you're not the only one...even if you would never wish this on anyone. Take care.

I do the same thing constantly. After my last binge (when i wrote the past story) I haven't taken an adderall since. It just amazes me how much of a toll it takes on your life when you don't have it. The only reason why I am currently not taking it is because I do not have access to it. I am so tired of everyone asking me what is wrong every day because my eyes are red and swollen and i have a headache everyday and I have absolutely no energy and i am just an emotional train wreck. It is nearly impossible to get out of bed for work/school, and I cannot accomplish anything throughout the day. One of my co workers started talking about how he wanted to try adderall and I freaked out on him! So that curiousity in his mind has now vanished from me begging him not to ever try it. I am also really glad to hear that there is so many people like us though. Thank you for commenting and sharing your story!

I know what you mean! I am currently without access also and I am a complete zombie :( It's a pretty bad feeling when something makes you feel better than you have ever felt, and then turns around and knocks you back down...and way lower than where you began. It's a vicious cycle that I really hope to be free of. One is too many and a thousand is never enough :(
Hang in there

Hey girl. You are not hopeless and you are not alone (check out my stories, very similar). Ive been taking adderall since 2007 and am severely addicted. I can identify with you very much. I would like to talk more with you. Take a deep breath and feel peace knowing that by sharing your story on this website, you are moving forward. ;)