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Scared To Leave My First Love, Speed.

Let's start from the beginning shall we?
From elementary school and up my mother has always gotten on my back about losing weight. I can still remember the way she use to examine me when I walked down to the kitchen and wanted to grab something to eat, when she would refuse to let me get popcorn at the movie theater, or when she told me I had a gut in my leotard and I was the heaviest dancer in ballet class. I was never fat, maybe 10 pounds overweight at the most but from sixth grade up all I could ever think about was how I could loose weight. I went to the gym, tried dieting, even weight watchers but I never had the self control to keep up with it. Then when I was in ninth grade my one friend lost a TON of weight because of her adderall. She became very thin and it's all the other girls could talk about, and it became like a competition. Who could loose as much weight as our thin friend. By 10th grade I was sick of the **** I would get from my mom and constantly comparing myself to all the skinny girls around me. So I decided to buy adderall one day off a kid in school and I swear I was hooked right than and there. I absolutely loved how I couldn't even stomach the thought of food, and the dry mouth that only craved water. I also found it gave me a rush of confidence and I could say and do anything when I was on it. Somehow I convinced my parents to get my prescribed to it by my junior year of high school. It was almost too easy, I just went in to my psychiatrist and boom, it was mine. I took it every day, on the week days, the weekends and even doubled up doses every now and then. I lost probably 20-25 pound within 3 months of being on it heavily and suddenly everything got better. My mom no longer bothered me, everyone was commenting on how skinny I had gotten. I was the only one awake and lively for first period. I could pull all nighters and just pop an addy in the morning and be okay. It was a happy pill and I loved it. I loved it so much that I didn't even notice the horrible effects. I was so depressed, I had no energy after a crash, I had no motivation to do school work when I crashed and I was so sucked into my own head and thoughts that I didn't focus on anything else. My grades got so much worse, I was so paranoid, so hot headed and felt like an emotional wreck half the time. I was always upping my dose..it was just effed up. All because I just wanted to loose weight. That's why...I never needed adderall probably. I have much worse problems with anxiety and depression and I know deep down the adderall makes it worse. But I can't leave it. Not only cause it curves appetite but for the rush, it's so comforting. I can't see my life without it and this is the first I ever openly admitted that because if I told my parents or my therapist it would be taken away. And it all goes back to my fixation on being thin and keeping the weight off. I recently switched to vyvanse too and I try to convince myself there better for me and that I have become in more in control of it, which to a point I might have...but speed is speed. I feel like the mother in the movie Requiem for a Dream if anyone has ever seen it. It's so messed up and I never thought I would become so dependent on something, I never thought this could be what addiction was like. But when you know something is ruining the good parts of you and you still can't even fathom the idea of leaving it, that's probably a dead ringer right?
moonswooned moonswooned 18-21, F Feb 19, 2013

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