Chronicle Of An Adderall Addict

This is my story.



(Originally posted as a response to this this thread http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Addicted-To-Adderall/3273866 )  



The urgency to stop doing Adderall becomes more apparent every time I do them.  And every time I do them I say, "what the hell is wrong with me.  STOP!  Stop doing this."   I started 7 years ago when a co-worker gave me one and said, "Take it, it will help you concentrate.".  I never take an unknown pill without Googling it first, so I put it in my pocket and looked it up as soon as I got home.  As soon as I saw the word amphetamine, it was in my stomach (meth addict as well).  This situation was quite ironic because it was only about 3 months before this that I moved 3000 miles across the country to get away from meth (which worked because I haven't  seen or heard of it in the area I live now the whole 7 years I've been here).

But I digress..

Twenty minutes later I was flyin' high!  I was nerding it up on the computer like normal.  But now I was doing it like a rock star.  It was all over for me.   Hooked me so fast I called my co-worker at 5 am the next morning to have her bring me another one.One at a time (30mg) quickly moved to two.  Two was good for a while.  Then at some point I started taking 3 at a time.   And at some point after that **** just got out of hand.  I usually pop 5 right soon as I get em now.  Been known to do 7 or 8 in one dose. I use to be able to get stuff done in the early days.  Stuff I liked to do, I did.  Chores that needed to be done, I did them.  Going to work, I was a one man crew.  And It gave me confidence to hang out in social situations, which I usually shy away from.  But now, I take so many that it totally ***** up my head so I prefer to be alone.   I tell myself I'll chores NEXT time I get em.  I tell myself that almost every time.  I still work better at my job on them because of the concentration thing, but I don't like to anymore because I just want to go home and do some more whatever.  And stuff I like to do doesn't get done as much.  The funny part about that is all the stuff I like to do is ALL I can think about before I get my pills, and how much fun it's going to be.  But after I take that first dose, the majority of my time is spent locked in my room.  It's just me, the Adderall, and internet ****.  This is the part that gets worse and worse every time.  I'll go for hours... 12, 24, 48 and I do things to myself that are probably illegal in 48 states.  I'm surprised I haven't injured myself.  And I'm surprised I'm not dead from taking so many Adderall.  When I can manage to not look at ****, I'll play video games on my PC, which I enjoy immensely.  I wish I could do that the whole time I'm on em'.

Let's talk about how many.  I myself have a prescription for 60 XR's a month (30mg).  Told my doctor one day that I was sick of buying them off the street and is there any way he can hook me up with a script.  After a short conversation, I was headed to the pharmacy.  That's exactly how it happened, I swear!  I'll go through the 60 within two weeks  Recently it's been faster because I want them GONE so I can start the 2-3 week come down process.  I'll go through 40 in a week or less.  Aside from the 60 that I get, a friend of mine gets 90 every two months and sells them all.  I usually end up with 40 or 50 of them.  I just got 20 two days ago.  I have 3 left.

Even if the whole **** thing didn't exist, and I just did what I liked to do the whole time, I still need to quit.  That's just the thing that's pushing me to want to do something about it now.  That's the thing that makes me realize the **** is messing up my head.  There is definitely something wrong in there (my head).  My mind is not in proper working order.  All 3 of us should go to therapy.  I get depressed and angry because of the come down.  When I'm not high, I believe that life has no point or purpose.  When I am high, life REALLY doesn't have a point.  I want to die.  Not in a "poor me", "feel sorry for me" way.  But I truly believe that whatever it is that happens after we die, it HAS to be better than this life.  It's gotta be!  "This is our hell now, we're livin' in it." (Shaggy 2 Dope)  I'm not suicidal.  I don't have the guts to kill myself.  But I do have this feeling deep down... a thought that's always in the back of my mind I think about at least 3 times a day, that some day I AM going to kill myself.  

Whatever, digressing again...

When I run out, the first week REALLY SUCKS, lemme tell ya!  All I want to do is sleep.  I don't know how I drag my *** to work at 6 am every day and get through a 10 hour day.  I'll miss a day or two here and there, but that's usually because I'm so high (and exhausted/tired) at 5 am, there is no freakin' WAY I could show up to work.  Not because of the come down.  The second week is not much better.  By the end of the second week, I am able to watch a couple hours of tv after work instead going to bed as soon as I get home at 4pm.  But I am still mostly tired all the time.  What doesn't go away is my dis-interest in life.  Lack of motivation and ambition and the ability to focus on an enjoyable task long enough to enjoy it.  I don't do anything.  I sit in my miserable life being lonely.  I don't have any friends to do stuff with or even to talk to.  Even when I'm on the drug I'm lonely.  It's just easier because my brain is numb.

I think about quitting every month.  Every month I just want to call my doctor and tell him he needs to stop giving them to me.  It would be so simple.  I just haven't been able to make that call.  I want to right now.. but I probably won't  GRRRRRRRR!  I do know that If I stop getting them from my doctor, I probably won't have a hard time with not buying them from my friend as well.  Makes sense, right?   If I give up the free ones, I'm damn sure going to give up the ones that cost money!

I've been wanting to tell my story to someone for a long time.  Nobody I know would understand.  It would just alienate me more than I already am from them.  When I found this site yesterday and read stories of other people with the same problem right down to almost every detail, it gave me inspiration and courage to tell my story.

Thanks for reading!  

Addicteded Addicteded
41-45, M
11 Responses Jul 10, 2013

You still around Addicted? I'm right where I was a year ago, about a week clean with a script ready if I so choose to refill. It was due yesterday and I'm gonna let it rot at the pharmacy. I am so done. This medicine does nothing good for me anymore. It only brings me grief and guilt and eventually unbarable dysphoria.

Got switched from adderall to vyvanse. ******* evil ****. Not only does it not feel as euphoric as adderall, even if I take as directed, I do not sleep with out knocking myself out with xanax. Plus it makes me super anxious all the time.

If I ever get back on this ****, I need to be locked up because I will be the living definition of insanity.

Good luck to all trying to overcome this beast!

Yep, still here. Still a junkie. I actually tried to get my prescription back last Monday. They wouldn't give it to me because of the email I wrote my old doctor exactly a year ago telling him to stop giving it to me because I take too many. I was pissed. I want my ****. They told me I need to see a psychiatrist. **** that! I know what's wrong with me, that won't do any good. Good luck to you bob.

Do you really need it?

When I'm off long enough I think I want aderall, but I always spiral out of control once I'm back on it.

Right now it's all I can do to not fill my script and go out and buy oxycontin as well. I know that **** would make me feel good right now, but I know that not too far down the line I'd be right back feeling like **** soon enough.

I'm self employed and can barely perform my job straight. When I'm high I probably scare customers away acting like a crackhead and eventually the anxiety induced by the stimulants make me completely worthless (and i actually spend most of the day avoiding customers....my livelihood, lol).

I really need to try this total abstinence thing for a bit. I'm too old to still be ******* around like a teenager.

Well whatever you do man, good luck!

its frustrating. i get my prescription every month telling myself i will not abuse it, promising myself. but then it turns into, just one extra pill today, so what its just one day without it. then two, three, then four and so on until a week goes by and im out. then i try and justify it all too. like, "well i see my doctor in a week. maybe i can ask to switch from XR to IR and get a whole new script 3 weeks early because its technically a different med and the insurance industry will cover it and the pharmacy will have no problem filling it. ive had to become quite crafty to attain more sooner then my script runs out. once i was so desperate i filed a false police report saying they got stolen. it worked but that was probably my low point.

i actually had a decent system once but over time it stopped because i went through both scripts faster then i originally did. i got a script of 30mg adderalls and two weeks later i got a prescription for 60 vicodin 750s with 3 refills. i originally would take 2 Adderall a day for two weeks and then i would get my painkillers and would take 4 Vicodin for the other two weeks. worked like a charm until i got up to 5 Adderall a day and 15 vicodin a day. horrible times those were.

Hey guys.. Just want to let you know I haven't relapsed and it's been over a good month. I'm feeling completely healthy and a like a new person. I don't even think to going back to Adderall - it's ******* amazing :)

There's always hope. You just need the willpower to get back the withdrawal; both physical and mental. Good luck. You CAN do it. You SHOULD'VE done it by now. Make that change - please.

I feel your pain. I hate this so much. I filled my scrip for 30 20 mgs on the 6th of sep and now I have 2 left. I, like you, take as much as I can so I can run out and start detoxing hoping that I wont refill. but when the 6th of the month rolls around I ALWAYS refill. Its like someone takes over my body and just goes to the pharmacy against my will!! because I only have two left of course I will chew both of them just so I can have one day of a high rather than take one a day for two days.. bc what would be the point??> I also feel like has no purpose when I'm off of them but when I'm on them I feel like I can never get enough and that feeling makes me 100x more depressed. ITs HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was handed one by a coworker, too a year and a half ago. I'm kind of a perfectionist, but a sloppy, forgetful one, if that makes any sense. So I started buying them from her and kept the dosage very controlled. I buzzed and zinged off of it and got everything done like my perfectionist self has always wanted.
Today, I'm still buying them, larger amounts but I still dose it out the same. One to 1.5 a day of 10MG. I don't get high anymore and can barely feel it, but I still get a focus as long as I have the will to direct it towards something productive. Usually I'd have the will to do something productive and then wonder off. It's way more subtle now but still helpful. Sometimes I wish I could get the euphoria back but if I take 4 pills at once, but then I'll have three days missing where I could be on a level, productive playing field, and still go to bed every night. The s**t is good.
When not on it, I sleep like an old dog. Napping in the morning, sleeping after work, it's just fruitless, so I know no matter how much I'm taking it's still screwing with my chemicals. I hate when you get down to your last one. I "stopped" for a few weeks since then, but there's always an excuse to send out a friendly text because you "need it" to get through some things.

no worse feeling then when you take that last Adderall in the bottle and know that when the high wears off, THATS IT. i usually go through them all in a matter of day too, so its not like i go only two days without it, its weeks

I've just got two weeks under my belt. I'm just starting to feel normalish. What happens, everybody has addies for sale and offering me lower than usual prices. **** hard to stay strong.

Man that sucks! I'm sitting at rite-aid waiting for my script at the moment.. gonna be a long week.

waiting at rite aid for me when its refill time is like going to an amusement park for me. im super excited to get on the rides but nervous in case something goes wrong. im always afraid they'll say they don't have any in stock or that i have to wait a few more days. im not happy until i have the pills in hand and am in the clear.

******* hard to stay strong…
I know.


You're doing it and you can distract yourself.

i totally relate. just when i sober up after 2 weeks of no pills in between scrips, I always refill. ALWAYS. and the cycle starts all over again:(

It's hard not to. Really hard.

I cannot believe how similar you sound to me.
I know my erratic behavior is affecting my wife and kid. This thought helps me keep my resolve not to buy any more.

Good luck

That is strange you get the "I am going to kill myself one day" feeling. I've had a problem JUST like yours since I was 14 and my doctor prescribed me. I'm now 20. I always knew the adderral was ******* me up but the exact words you said "I AM going to kill myself one day" and that you're not suicidal etc really puts it in perspective for me...like listening to myself talk.

Interesting that you have the same thought of "one day..." It's a saddening thing to always have that thought in your mind. It helps me to know that I'm not the only one who thinks like that, as I'm sure it does you. If you ever need to hear yourself talk again, you know where to find me... : )

It's 4 am. Can't sleep, though I've been trying all night. I have 2 pills left to get me through the day. I'm due for my script on Monday... maybe I can get it tomorrow. Either way, I'm in for a ****** weekend. Gonna sleep the whole time or be totally out of my mind on these things. I hate this...

Damn. Except for your "Internet adult activities", your story is the same as mine. Every month I want to change. Every month I don't. I don't know what to do, for both of us. I'm sorry I can't offer you a solution. I know we should confess to our drs, go to NA meetings or therapy or something, but are you about to do that? I admit I'm not. I feel stuck like you do. I just wanted you to know I understand.

Thanks! I appreciate that. Good luck to you.

And to be honest, I don't think many people WILL relate to that one.