Chronicle Of An Adderall AddictThis is my story.
(Originally posted as a response to this this thread http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Addicted-To-Adderall/3273866 )
The urgency to stop doing Adderall becomes more apparent every time I do them. And every time I do them I say, "what the hell is wrong with me. STOP! Stop doing this." I started 7 years ago when a co-worker gave me one and said, "Take it, it will help you concentrate.". I never take an unknown pill without Googling it first, so I put it in my pocket and looked it up as soon as I got home. As soon as I saw the word amphetamine, it was in my stomach (meth addict as well). This situation was quite ironic because it was only about 3 months before this that I moved 3000 miles across the country to get away from meth (which worked because I haven't seen or heard of it in the area I live now the whole 7 years I've been here).
But I digress..
Twenty minutes later I was flyin' high! I was nerding it up on the computer like normal. But now I was doing it like a rock star. It was all over for me. Hooked me so fast I called my co-worker at 5 am the next morning to have her bring me another one.One at a time (30mg) quickly moved to two. Two was good for a while. Then at some point I started taking 3 at a time. And at some point after that **** just got out of hand. I usually pop 5 right soon as I get em now. Been known to do 7 or 8 in one dose. I use to be able to get stuff done in the early days. Stuff I liked to do, I did. Chores that needed to be done, I did them. Going to work, I was a one man crew. And It gave me confidence to hang out in social situations, which I usually shy away from. But now, I take so many that it totally ***** up my head so I prefer to be alone. I tell myself I'll chores NEXT time I get em. I tell myself that almost every time. I still work better at my job on them because of the concentration thing, but I don't like to anymore because I just want to go home and do some more whatever. And stuff I like to do doesn't get done as much. The funny part about that is all the stuff I like to do is ALL I can think about before I get my pills, and how much fun it's going to be. But after I take that first dose, the majority of my time is spent locked in my room. It's just me, the Adderall, and internet ****. This is the part that gets worse and worse every time. I'll go for hours... 12, 24, 48 and I do things to myself that are probably illegal in 48 states. I'm surprised I haven't injured myself. And I'm surprised I'm not dead from taking so many Adderall. When I can manage to not look at ****, I'll play video games on my PC, which I enjoy immensely. I wish I could do that the whole time I'm on em'.
Let's talk about how many. I myself have a presc
Even if the whole **** thing didn't exist, and I just did what I liked to do the whole time, I still need to quit. That's just the thing that's pushing me to want to do something about it now. That's the thing that makes me realize the **** is messing up my head. There is definitely something wrong in there (my head). My mind is not in proper working order. All 3 of us should go to therapy. I get depressed and angry because of the come down. When I'm not high, I believe that life has no point or purpose. When I am high, life REALLY doesn't have a point. I want to die. Not in a "poor me", "feel sorry for me" way. But I truly believe that whatever it is that happens after we die, it HAS to be better than this life. It's gotta be! "This is our hell now, we're livin' in it." (Shaggy 2 Dope) I'm not suicidal. I don't have the guts to kill myself. But I do have this feeling deep down... a thought that's always in the back of my mind I think about at least 3 times a day, that some day I AM going to kill myself.
Whatever, digressing again...
When I run out, the first week REALLY SUCKS, lemme tell ya! All I want to do is sleep. I don't know how I drag my *** to work at 6 am every day and get through a 10 hour day. I'll miss a day or two here and there, but that's usually because I'm so high (and exhausted/tired) at 5 am, there is no freakin' WAY I could show up to work. Not because of the come down. The second week is not much better. By the end of the second week, I am able to watch a couple hours of tv after work instead going to bed as soon as I get home at 4pm. But I am still mostly tired all the time. What doesn't go away is my dis-interest in life. Lack of motivation and ambition and the ability to focus on an enjoyable task long enough to enjoy it. I don't do anything. I sit in my miserable life being lonely. I don't have any friends to do stuff with or even to talk to. Even when I'm on the drug I'm lonely. It's just easier because my brain is numb.
I think about quitting every month. Every month I just want to call my doctor and tell him he needs to stop giving them to me. It would be so simple. I just haven't been able to make that call. I want to right now.. but I probably won't GRRRRRRRR! I do know that If I stop getting them from my doctor, I probably won't have a hard time with not buying them from my friend as well. Makes sense, right? If I give up the free ones, I'm damn sure going to give up the ones that cost money!
I've been wanting to tell my story to someone for a long time. Nobody I know would understand. It would just alienate me more than I already am from them. When I found this site yesterday and read stories of other people with the same problem right down to almost every detail, it gave me inspiration and courage to tell my story.
Thanks for reading!