My Turn to Tell My Adderall Story.
I never thought that I would bring myself to admit this, but I have an addiction.
I guess I should go back to the beginning so that I can explain how this happend to me. About 4 years ago, I was struggling with depression really bad. I weighed about 200 lbs at 4'11,My relationship sucked, my money situation sucked, I had no escape and I was struggling. I was sitting there in my house having my morning coffee and the lights went out. I had to go to Community Action to get help but the light company took their good old time cutting my lights back on<--about 5 days. In the meantime, I got my kids and all of the food from my freezer and went to my parent's house.
While sitting there depressed and stressing about my life, I had a million things to do and no ambition to do them. I just layed there in the bed crying. My mother came to me and handed me a pill and told me to take it. When I asked her what it was, she told me it was called Adderall and it will get me up off of my *** and help me depression. I never had been one to pop pills or take drugs at all, even though I grew up around all of that crap. But that particular day, I didn't care, and I took the pill.
About 15 minutes later I felt sooo much better! I can't explain it. I got up, got dressed, cleaned my mother's whole house, then went to my house and cleaned that up too. After that, I wrote a 5 page report for school in about 45 minutes (and got an A too!) Then I even went to the gym and exercised. I felt GREAT! I wasn't depressed and I got more done that day then I did in a whole month!
So I went to my doctor and told him about it. I told him how for once I was not depressed. I felt motivated, and I got things done. My focus was better. I was a better mom to the kids, I was doing better with school...everything. Finally, he gave me a prescription.
The first year or so on Adderall was great. I was busy all the time and getting things done, I hardly ate, barely slept and lost about 40 pounds. I struggles with my weight for my entire life, and for the first time, I found something to help me lose. I looked and felt terrific. However, as time went by, I grew tolerant to the medicine and the doctor had to raise my dose. He didn't have too much of a problem with it because he said that my blodd pressure is excellent and there are no heart problems. Keep in mind that Adderall is a drug that is about 3 different AMPHETAMINES mixed together. VERY addictive. It's basically like legal Cocaine.
Let's fast forward to today. I am a complete different person than I used to be. I still take the Adderall and when I don't take it, I will literally sleep all day. When I don't take it, my depression gets 3 times as bad as it ever has, to the point where I think about death a lot. Not suicide, just death and dying. I have this weird habit now where I pull out my eyebrows. I never did this before the Adderall. However, now I pull them out. When they start to grow back the feeling of the stubble drives me nuts and I grab some tweezers and yank them back out. I tried to stop and I can't. Weird.
Also, I am like a zombie. The Adderall wont let me sleep so I have to take Tylenol PMs everynight to go to bed, so I take meds to keep me awake, and meds to put me to sleep. I cannot function on my own without them. In the evening when the Adderall begins to wear off, I turn into a total B%$#! Every little noise annoys the hell out of me. and don't even get me started on the headaches. I am antisocial and most of the timeI don't want to be bothered. I go weeks on end without calling my friends, and I wish that the people that live with me would just let me be by myself.
So the other day I decided that I wasn't going to take the Adderall for a couple of days, just to see what happens. I will deal with the depression and the extreme fatigue for a few days. The withdrawal effects were unbearable. I was nauseated, had a migrane and was shaking. I layed around all day and was dizzy when I stood up. And I literally ATE the whole day!
It was then that I realized, for the first time, that I am addicted to ADDERALL. I have a LEGAL addiction to Amphetamines. I don't know what to do. This scares the crap out of me. What if for some reason my doctor takes me off of it? Will I be out there acting like a crackhead trying to get my hands on it? Am I going to have to go to rehab? I don't want to have to go through this. Not to mention...when I don't take it, I gain weight at a rate of about 10 pounds a week. NO BULL! I don't want to get all huge again. I am lost and don't know what to do. I don't want to have to rely on this crap for the rest of my life to keep me motivated and focused. I honestly feel like I am nothing without it.
I seriously resent my mother for ever introducing me to this drug.
Also....it blows my mind that this is actually a medication that was created for CHILDREN!!!!!!!!