When I was 15 I started experimenting with liqour, then cigarettes, then ecstasy and finally coke. I have been able to quit a few times for even up to periods of 9 months, but as soon as the stress in my life comes around I begin feeling the desire for a little pick me up. Things usually spiral and spiral and finally i end up where I started. When I was younger I had a fair bit of experiences with bullying, and I always felt that I was strong for being able to be "badass". I know that it seems counter intuitive, but being able to crash into the addiction makes me feel more in control. I know I'll come out of it again, I have a boyfriend of eight months and he is amazing, he's very straight edge though, only drinks maybe twice a month. I told him about my "**** up" when i did it for the first time again, but i've been hiding most of the incidents. I love him very very much, and would marry him in a heartbeat, but my mind when I do a line makes me want to enjoy the company of other individuals. I have come very close to cheating and it scares me because losing him would ruin me. I've battled with depression and anxiety my whole life, getting me behind in my education and my life plan. Anyone have any tips to help me get in the right direction. I control my addiction i know when and where to do it, never get caught even manage sleep, but I'm scared to lose that control. Help.
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