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How Did It All Happen...

When I was 15 I started experimenting with liqour, then cigarettes, then ecstasy and finally coke. I have been able to quit a few times for even up to periods of 9 months, but as soon as the stress in my life comes around I begin feeling the desire for a little pick me up. Things usually spiral and spiral and finally i end up where I started. When I was younger I had a fair bit of experiences with bullying, and I always felt that I was strong for being able to be "badass". I know that it seems counter intuitive, but being able to crash into the addiction makes me feel more in control. I know I'll come out of it again, I have a boyfriend of eight months and he is amazing, he's very straight edge though, only drinks maybe twice a month. I told him about my "**** up" when i did it for the first time again, but i've been hiding most of the incidents. I love him very very much, and would marry him in a heartbeat, but my mind when I do a line makes me want to enjoy the company of other individuals. I have come very close to cheating and it scares me because losing him would ruin me. I've battled with depression and anxiety my whole life, getting me behind in my education and my life plan. Anyone have any tips to help me get in the right direction. I control my addiction i know when and where to do it, never get caught even manage sleep, but I'm scared to lose that control. Help.
dbirnham224 dbirnham224 18-21 3 Responses Feb 25, 2011

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this is what happened to me.. but I was the "clean boyfriend", I had struggles to reach and understand what was going on in the mind of that woman (thoughts are described perfectly in this story). I also followed her to a house of her friend. Feelings completely distorted and destroyed by a stupid drug.

Hello! I also used to be an addict, but now I´ve been drug free for 7 months, and my depression and abberations are gone! I feel much better and my life plan is finally working out, my family and friends are easy to comminucate with. I don´t need to hide things anymore, or feel scared of loosing everything.. <br />
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But it is all thanks to a rehab center I went to. That one was just different from any other I know, and it compared to others actually worked!! And all the problems I mentioned above vanished while doing the program. It is really a place that saved my life, and if you are still on coke, you can write me a personal message and then I can help you to do the same thing that I did. Something that works, something that takes away the chance of RELAPSE. <br />
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I really hope that you see this! :-) <br />
If you made it and are off drugs, then congratulations!

i can really relate to your story....i have two kids an education and fiancee and yet i still get the urge to go on mad ones and take drugs.....i find it very hard to socialise without it.....so dont go out to stay away from it...i dont like telling people about it , just another weakness on my behalf ;)