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Not Who I Am...

I'm 18 years old and addicted to cocaine. Earlier this year i went through a really hard time when i was raped. i switched schools to escape from all the ridicule i got from it. I started to party and drink every weekend and even during the week. Things were exciting a new for me i loved meeting new people in this party atmosphere where i didn't have to worry about what people thought. A friend of mine asked me one night if i wanted to try cocaine, i agreed and i bought it for the first time. since then my friend has not done it anymore but i have spent tons of my money on it every weekend, during the week, in the morning. whatever i need to make me happy that day. i start to isolate myself to the small group i hang out with who do the drug as much as i do. always worrying about who has money that weekend to pay for our expensive habit. There was a time i wasn't home in probably a month. the last time i have done cocaine was last night, and i really think i want to stop. its hard when you hang out with the same people who can easily talk me into spending my money on it. i just want to go back to who i was because this is not who i am.

AyoforYayo AyoforYayo 18-21, F 4 Responses Jun 1, 2008

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Hey babe I can really relate to you're story. Stay strong<3 <3

I remember two years ago, when I was 18 and in the exact same position. I tried cocaine at a friends' birthday for the first time. Was working a job where I pulled in 55k a year (at 18, so I had a lot of money to spend). I got hooked instantly. I found a new group of friends. I got one of my friends from my old group of friends (four of us were the best of the best friends you could imagine) to try cocaine. He too was addicted to it. Hiding it from everyone and spending all our money and staying up all night. Just the worst kind of life. I lost myself. At one point I had spend $15 for a hotel room after being up all night in a $500 hotel room doing blow with my new 'friends'. I went to work, pretended to be sick, went back to my $15 hotel room, and did more cocaine with my 'friends'. I lost touch entirely with my favorite three guys in the world. They knew what I was doing, I wasn't fooling anyone. You know how ****** it is when they would ask me, "How are you doing, man?", like I was some cancer patient on my deathbed. It's here where the hate for the drug should be apparent. When others start noticing and taking pity upon your existence. This is when I knew that it all needed to change. I decided to do what I always wanted to do. I got up and moved and went to school. I will graduate with my BSc. Civil Engineering this year. I haven't talked to any of my old 'friends'. I have a whole wad of new, respectable, friends. I've regained touch with my other 3 guy friends. Even though they live over 5 hours away, I've managed to keep these boys as the best of friends a guy could have. <br><br />
Keep your mind busy. Fill the voids with things you should be doing. <br><br />
If you're in a situation where you could do some cocaine, just go work out or something. Go swimming. Take a run. <br><br />
Take the money you would be spending on coke and shove it in a separate account and watch your money grow. Even that will be rewarding enough.<br><br />
Just do something besides more cocaine. You cannot progress through life with it involved.

I'm so miserable I don't know what to do with myself. Im out of touch. I have no control. It frightens me. It's so hard to stop. I do things I tell mysef I'm not. My throat is shot to **** from smoking. I walked around outside because I was afraid to bring it home. The crack. Because my mother would know. She always knows. I try to imagine seeing myself walking aimlessly to smoke. In the dark. I'm supposed to be a lady. That's what I think of myself as. I dont know why Im posting here. You've got your life together. This.post's so.old. I'm happy for yu

I completely understand and feel your pain. If you want to talk to me please don't hesitate

Thank you, I don't have anyone else. I don't even have friends to smoke with. No one really knows. My greatest achievement being a closet feign. I never talk to anyone. Just have moments of complete dispair

i am 16 and i have done coke probaly ONLY 6 times BUT i am like CRAVING it everyday. when i wake up when i get upset and so on ALL i can tell you SINCE it worked for me b4 IS to STOP STOP hanging out with that crowd u hang out with it worked for me and u should probaly go to sum narcotics anymonous meetings...idk i am addicted to weed n coke BUT i can STILL control myself so i GUESS i have not went down the drain yet huh? ...umm thats my attempt to be funny btw.. :) all i can say is to go to NA meetings and look for new friends and just walk away from the ones u got right now and talk talk talk about everything rape,drugs,past,present and future with a counselor or something oneday u will happy u did...idk it MAY take awhile BUT u will...xx<br />
Mindy

I can completely relate; however I am 30 years old and am married. I could not imagine being 18 and going through this. It is a very tough situation to be and when it is all around you it seems impossible to escape. I have yet to escape it. I, myself did it last night. And it is an expensive drug. Before you know it....you are broke...just like all the others who have been through this told me and now I'm telling you.<br />
Maybe we can help each other. Just by giving advice and sharing thoughts.<br />
Keep well