Being Open To Face My AddictionI wonder who else is in my boat, addicted to codeine and trying his best to see the end of it. It's a strong pull, it destroyed the best relationship I had. Just couldn't keep myself from lying. It's overpowering, and I gave into the feeding need.
I am hoping that through admitting and being honest about what I've done then this weakness in will is not going to be a weakness any longer. But assimilated within the whole of myself.
It was offered to me a lot before I started to do it. But curiosity got the best of me and once I was introduced to chemical drugs I wanted more and more. None other then painkillers. Those I found got rid of my ever present anxiety. Anxiety is a constant nagging pull at my organs, and boiling acid to go through my veins. Sometimes it just gets so maddening that nothing makes sense and I start getting confused.
The confusion hasn't always been so that worries me a little. I am a worrier of the things that I love, but I am not a worrier of my own well being. That has never seemed like something of any importance to me. I wonder why. I wonder if it was my early on belief that the mind is within the soul, not within the physical body. I associated with my soul and energies rather then my physical form, which is just a vehicle for me, nothing more.
Everyone else is trying to live forever and spending so many years in a decline. I don't want to have years sitting in a chair wondering if I'm alive or dead. I also don't want to eat right and spend a life living to 100 and it just being one big bore because I wanted to stay fit and healthy.
I'd much rather have a good time then a long time. It's not like this is your only life and nothing can be created or destroyed. Even if I destroy this vehicle, I'll get another. I might be a bit hard on my vehicle, but as long as I get the job done it shouldn't matter how hard I am on her.
And, because everyone else where I am thinks that this is your only life so you gotta live it up the best you can; I have to try to live for them. But their pain of my loss stems from their own fear of death. Which is fueled by their not understanding it. They don't understand it because they haven't been taught right. Religion became all about the politics so early on, even after it was found out it still kept on being more and more political. I understand they are worried about the state of the world, but logic and reason should always be the tool we use as a collective whole. If anything we can agree on everything being fair. The only people who don't want that are the people with the most things, and therefore the most to lose. But they wouldn't have to give up much if they all gave a little bit. Just enough to try and pay off some debt and work on their own problems and try to be as suffecient as possible. Stop importing and do as much as you can local.
I forgot where I was for a second, and just kinda went off on a tangent. That was a pretty good one though. I got pretty lost in it.
I think that realization has stopped this one...
quinndragosen 26-30, M 1 Aug 21, 2012