I Want To Die But Too Much Of A Coward To Do It

lets see...I guess I'll start from as early as I can remember...age 5, taken away from my father, lived on a river bank saw my aunt raped by my "uncles" all of them. My mom having sex in the same twin bed while I slep in it with them. Lived in a run down trailer where Iwatched daily my step dad and mom fight and have sex, with hardly any food or water or electricity. 2nd grade my mother dressed me up as a hooker for my schools halloween contest, beat and put down told they're fighting was my fault. molested at 9, and again at ten, my step dad likes em young. repeatedly called a *****, never amount to anything and trash. Made fun of at school because of my lice infested red hair and my dirty clothes and the holes in my shoes. Raped at 12 by 8 members of a gang, while they held a pillow over my face. So needless to say I grew up being a good for nothing crackwhore with 5 kids and different dads. Left all them with their dads, the 2 youngest I attempted to get my **** together for are gone now because i relapsed...once again. Thats the pattern with me..get clean and **** up. I had 3 years, became a good mom, betty crocker in the kitchen, worked hard made good money, kept my house clean and made sure my husband was satisfied, and kept up my looks up. But even doing all that, Everyone found something to criticize in all these areas. Well **** Here goes the crackwhore coming out again, and all I strived so so hard to build and repair, gone in the wind and my whole family looking at me like "see, I told you so" neve be anything but a piece of trash, only thing good that has ever came out of me are my kids, who in my opinion are better off without me, and according to my family are happier without me. So I'm clean again with all this **** in my mind and I just wish I could just end it, give them closure and be out of my misery.
sidrid sidrid
31-35, F
Jan 22, 2013