Really

 If I try to not go on I keep thinking about it and feel like getting on is urgent and cannot wait and once I decided I get off I say that's it...I've been on too long...I close out the window. Then 5 minutes later I open it back up again feeling the urgent feeling. I can stay on for hours and not notice the time going by and even when i am bored I still do. I feel calm and happy while on it and when off it I feel all panicked and reality hits me as being much worse than it was before I got on somehow. It is 3 am. Today was my first day of work working 9-5 and I have to get up early and I can't bring myself to get off because like I said that happens. It is the first thing I do when I wake up if there is time and when i get home because it is just so passive, easy, and makes you forget your real life. It is the best distraction ever made. There are so many reasons to "have" to get on: I ran out of diary pages, burning question, urgent confession, need advice, bored and have to see what other people are thinking, it's my social life, other people, the potential to help people or be there for them, making sure I keep up with my inbox(I haven't checked my actual email on hotmail in weeks! yet I check this one!!!), thinking I will find answers or wisdom or knowledge about life or insights or some sort of epiphany from looking at something in a new way I didn't have the ability to before, laughter and humor, the social factor/chat factor, curiosity about other peoples' lives and reading their private confessions...it's like reading a book if it was more like watching tv if you could interact with it. It's comparable to a video game I think. Typing and clicking there is more to do than turning a book page. I don't need to focus or concentrate on anything unless it's interesting to me. I don't know. So many things keep me from getting off and make me get back on once I get off. It gives me ideas for google searches to entertain myself. I spend more time at it than any other website. Once, I thought I had kicked the habit of getting on. I went 3 days or I think 5 days not getting on. Then I got back on thinking it would be safe now since I clearly no longer have an issue. I have no self-discipline and ability to stop wasting my time. It is counseling or some constant reassurance where you think you are coming to a conclusion each time that will make you more effective or happier in daily life. When I returned from my absense, I had like 3 emails saying where are you, I miss you, where have you been, respond to my email, new story comments, friend requests...It is 3:10 am and I feel like it's been 1 hour but it's been 10 minutes. wow look how much I can type in 10 minutes. That's why I'm in customer service, lol. If I have been on for an hour I get off and it is like I wonder where the time went like I didn't think I was on that long--time goes opposite. Sometimes I wonder how it is possible for one little website to make me be so obsessed. No one should have a problem not going to a website. ahhh!! I am actually addicted to wasting my time I think.





SummerWind18 SummerWind18
26-30, F
Feb 23, 2010