The Making of a Monster

It sucks. Wish I had never touched the stuff.  I tried it when I was 13 and havent stopped since. I have taken a few breaks here and there. Had two kids without using. But it still runs my life. 16 years of this "****". 16 freaking years. Thats insane. And I continue to try and fight the urge off. But its really hard. Am I ever going to be able to walk away completely? The older I get the more I believe that it is going to someday take me to my grave. It sucks the life and the normalsy of life away. And you let it. I let it. I have been to jail, prison, and 5 rehabs trying to get away from it. I have even moved across the ocean, to the islands trying to escape its grasp. And It still found me there.

I am living a lie. No one knows that I have begun to use again. It is a deadly secret. It has made my mind unstable and sends me into fits of manic and then fits of depressed behavior. I never know who I am going to be when I wake up in the morning. Anything can set me off.

My family would be so dissappointed. Dissappointed that I gave into it again. After 18 months of being clean. After losing everything I have bounced back. Have my own place with my girls. And knowing that my behavior could cause me to lose it all. AGAIN. WTF.

It sucks. But I am still here. For now.

KarmaKatcher KarmaKatcher
31-35, F
7 Responses May 8, 2007

KarmaKatcher, Neve give up on yourself, you can do anything you set your mind to, this addiction will not beat you, believe in yourself. I hope everything is going good for you now...

Well, I am still here. Fighting the fight. I havent let it get me by the boo boo. I struggle constantly. Battle my inner demons. Its so much easier sometime to just shut them up though. For a few days or so. Then, in stopping the madness of my using, I also allow them to begin to grow loud and unruley again. Its a catch 20/2. I get what I need, even if in pieces, on boths sides of the fence. But in the past week, I have just gave into it. After finding out that my boyfriend of 10 months has terminal stomach cancer at the old age of 26, I have slipped a little further into my hiding hole than I usually allow. It just feels safe here for now. I know and am aware that it is a false sense of security. But, I guess for now I am ok being in denial. Even if its only for another day or two. Truely sad. And dissappointed in myself. But, I refuse to give up and give into my self destructive endevor.

I see you wrote this auite some time ago, I'm just wondering how your doing now? Have you be able to get off it again? *HUGS* I know it's not easy

It saddens me to read of your struggle. I send you my wishes that one day you might find your way into the light. Have faith in yourself, that you will one day get to where you need to be. Till that day may you be graced with good health and the strength to continue moving forward.

I do not know much about this addiction but if it hurts your children you should think of them and try to quit. They don't need to suffer...

it's not as serious, but i think food destroys my life, and all my relationships, and my financial well-being. my thoughts are with you and if you ever want to talk, strength seems to be compounded when shared :)

It will always be hard sadly. I am an addict, I am not in active addiction I am in recovery...for almost 4 years now. The want will really never go away they say, but when I think about where I was I know I don't want to go back to that. You need to totally hit bottom so you bounce back. You have to want to quit, you have to want to live and be a survivor for yourself, and then you can be everything you can be for those girls. Stay strong. If you need to talk I am here.