Still a Zombie

I did speed every now and then after that first time when I was 15, but not everyday. That was until I was about 17yrs old then I started doing it almost everyday. By the end of my senior year, I was graduated early and I was doing speed everyday. That summer I was 18 and my curfew was non-existent. I started dating a dealer who would give it to me like candy. The first day we met, I felt a connection with him the second I looked into his eyes. He told me later that same day, that we were soulmates. He gave me his hoodie and his “grandmothers” ring. He told me I was his angel and I would save him from “The Game”. I believed him for some reason. He told me he was 24 but he told me later he was 36. I had been dating him about two weeks and I was so doped up and out of my mind, I accepted his age because I thought I loved him. I had lost a bunch of weight and lost the sparkle in my eye. I didn’t remember who I was, but I was so doped up I didn’t realize this.

Long story short, he realized what he was doing to me and my family and  he dumped me. I went home and cried to my mother who I had been avoiding for months. I confessed to her that I had been using speed and I needed help getting sober. She had been planning a vacation for my little sister and us that was supposed to take place in the next couple of days so my timing was great. We went to Australia for a week and I managed to get sober with her help. The 16hr flight was hell, a horrible way to comedown especially without any cigarettes!! We flew home to the states after that week, and I managed to stay sober for a couple of months.

Then one night I couldn’t stand sobriety any more and I convinced my mom to let me go hang out with my friend. She made me promise that I wouldn’t use because if I did, it would break her heart. That night I went with my friend to a hotel and got high on speed again. A few months later I moved out and moved in with a friend. When I left I promised her I would “stay clean” (even though I was still using again) and that I would be fine. I still live with my friend and I am still using. Everyday for the past 3yrs I have been using speed. I think I was clean a couple times for a few days, only because we couldn’t get any dope.

I know my parents know that I am still using, but they never admit they know. They sometimes ask if I am using drugs, but I always deny it. I don’t want to admit it to them because even though they already know, I don’t want to break their hearts.

Everyday I wish more than anything, I could be sober. I want it so bad it hurts deep inside my soul. So the more I hate myself for continuing to use, the more I continue to use. It is a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to escape.
LostLamb LostLamb
22-25, F
1 Response Jun 5, 2007

My dear sweet girl. Reading your story has made me tear. I know the pain oh so well. 17 years of this battle. Its so consuming. I had 18 months clean. But in November, fell off again. Havent been using heavily, but 4-5 days out of 10. Sometimes going over a week in between. And just as I start to feel better and clean, Friday comes and it is my excuse to buy another bag. I hate it. I cry to myself softly all the time. Hoping that my kids wont see or hear me. So far I am able to keep up normal daily routines so as to not affect them at all. But am constantly aware of the fact that that can all change very quickly. I am losing myself slowly. I can see it. But am unable to jump off this roller coaster still. I am here for you. I have been though it all. And I completely understand you. Hit me up anytime sweets.