Music Breaks My Heart

 i have been badly addicted to music since i was a little girl. now as a 35 year old adult, it seems to have such a great hold over me that i cant move forward with my life. basically, i am in AWE of so much music, mainly 80s pop, that almost every song i own has a huge emotional connection to a feeling, memory or time that makes me feel continuously overwhelmed. i love the feeling but it leaves me aching and sad to get these times back...and even now while my present is a wonderful time in my life..all my music collection fills me up till i explode with so much feeling, that 2 of the strangest things have been occuring:

1) i studied music and recording for the last 3 years. however i generally am grossly disppointed with the music i make, nothing compares to the music i collect and adore all my life. it makes me feel like a phoney, a fake, a loser, and a sham. i would give anything to make music that makes even just one person feel amazing or special, such as a lot of the music i have listened to over the years has done for me. i have stage fright and when i play my guitar and sing, it sounds like such a disaster, it leaves me feeling sick with myself for days. i ask myself, surely i should have gotten better...but the most brilliant music i hear and gigs i see, the more my heart sinks and feels further from ever creating something truly incredible.

2) i have major attachments to people and places from my past with some songs in my music collection. sometimes i listen to these songs to relive these times, it feels like a drug. i used to do this a lot worse, shut myself away with some certain songs and close my eyes and be back in a special place with that special person, or at that special place. sometimes i get scared i wont see or live such intense things again..and only the song can make me feel that amazing...and i play it over and over..

3) there are certain musicians that i cannot stand, its like my skull is splitting when i hear their music. some people think i am being mean or over the top and exaggerating but with one particular artist in general, if i hear his music in a shop or in a pub, i have to run out as fast as i can, it makes me feel sick and so angry, the songs are so empty, dull, forgettable, selfish... this makes me despair for the music industry, i get so depressed that such dross is being passed off as genius, and it literally sends me to a black place no-one can understand for HOURS. i question peoples passion and hearing, like, "how the hell can u sit there with that murderous junk pouring out of the sound system and still be able to have a conversation?"

i think i am starting to irritate people with my reflexes and horrors at this artists work. 


does anyone know what all this is? or am i just worrying over nothing? i have a full life, with wonderful artisic people in it, i am loved and i love very much.

i just want to know...does anyone else feel like this? 

kizum kizum
31-35, F
2 Responses Oct 11, 2009

yes lyrics are very important to me with some artists, and then for other genres i love the textures and sounds. some lyrics are so beautiful and so on the ball, that i feel brainless after hearing them, like, omg why didnt i write that!! lol!!