Again and Again-help! :(

I dont know what it is about my ex but whatever it is has caused me to completely lose my dignity-I feel SO pathetic!

We started dating last march. I wasn't even all that interested in dating him, not because i didnt find him attractive-just because there was something about him...i never knew what... Then we went on a few dates, everything seemed more rushed then I wanted it, thanks to him AND my family (I went to his apartment before i was ready, he met my family before i was ready etc) THEN we lost a baby in August and eventhough at the time i thought we had come through it stronger, i was wrong. We both made some bad choices and we broke up 3 times. Everytime I told him that was it but after a day or two we always reconcile and inevitably break up a few weeks later (each time HE breaks up with me)

This last time he broke up with me two days before Valentines day. I was devastated! There was NO warning and NO reason. I cried ALL day that day but for the following week was able to ignore his phone calls and stay strong. Until the sunday after the break up (about a week later). ALL day I did nothing but cry, i cried without even knowing i was crying. I didnt have an appetite, i couldnt focus, i couldnt sleep, i was grouchy and i felt sick. That night he showed up at my door with my stuff, and decided to tell me that he was sorry and that i deserved better and that he wasnt worth crying over. I then broke down and started with the "why would you do this" stuff and ...we ended up sleeping together. and since then thats how its been. We talk every night we hang out...EVERYTHING! Except of course that we ARENT together! I dont agree with that kind of relationship-i'm not like that. I know i want everything or nothing but i dont have the strength to walk away. I know he isnt right for me he TELLS me i deserve better and to move on BUT he also tells me that he wonders what our children will look like!!! I DONT know why he keeps doing this to me. I DONT know why i cant just walk away?! I dont know what i did to deserve to get hurt like this OVER AND OVER! I feel SOOO stuck!

Sometimes I allow myself to believe that I'm stuck on him because we are meant to be together and if i just stick though it he will see how much i love him and he will start treating me better. Sometimes i wonder if this is just because we lost the baby and it caused to much pain. Sometimes i think that the only reason i'm trying to stay close to him is because i'm trying to avoid the pain that i will be in again (because i will have to start the grieving all over)

I think i'm addicted to him because everytime we arent together i go through HORRIBLE withdrawals. I even try to rationalize why i need him!-He can help me with my spanish class, no one else will have that kind of patience. I can't affort to be depressed right now because i need to keep up with my classes and get my work done and get sleep (all of which wont happen if we arent together)

Either way i KNOW that ultimately he's not good for me. He's making me hate myself-ive never been this pathetic in my life and its disgusting. He makes me dependent and I blow off everyone to spend time with me. What we have isnt love i dont think but i have never loved anyone more in my life! i hate this

firefly21 firefly21
22-25, F
5 Responses Mar 15, 2009

I guess i'm kinda lucky then. He hasn't moved on and doesn't want to. I don't want anyone either, we are basically together now-somehow our relationship changes when we are "together" but i'm happy right now. Something about having his support just gives me so much confidence i fee like i can do anything. Since we have been back to...whatever we are doing my grades have gone up, i'm happier, and i'm going out and doing more things. I know that there is a chance for me to get hurt but im willing to take that chance to get what i want, i just want us to be be happy and share a life together and right now at least it looks like that might be possible...i'm really hoping that i'm right though...and still scared of the withdrawals....

Boy do I feel ya on this one. Mine is even seeing someone because he claims it's the only way he can handle getting over me and not having to think about and get depressed (ie finding some chick to distract him) but then when we talk and I tell him how I'm feeling I get, "I'll never be over it, I haven't moved on, I'm not replacing you, You'll move on before me, I love you, you're my best friend, You are more special to me than any other girl" I just want to SCREAM!!!! And then I cry because someone else is where I want to be..... It's not fair when they do that crap, instead of dealing they want to keep us handy so they can feel confident about themselves and not actually have to look inside and see what they need to do to grow from experiences, etc.

I'm looking back at a 19 year old relationship with many emotions. Like you, my ex and I broke up and made up more times than I can remember. He rarely helped me in any way: emotionally, financially or with household upkeeping, and it seemed I was always pulling him out of some mess he'd gotten himself into. Being with him was like raising a large 12 year old. He moved out many times and always came back, but about a year ago he moved out of state to live with his disabled mother. We stayed in touch for a while, but then he stopped calling. After so many years with him, I knew he had met someone but he didn't have the decency or respect to let me know. I guessed and then was told by his son that he was getting married. His wedding is this coming Friday and I must admit I have mixed feelings. On the one hand - he'll finally be out of my life (he's a bad habit like smoking cigs) but it is hard to give up something you have had for so many years. I could tell you many <br />
stories, but that's not the point. If you can't give up this bad habit on your own, seek counseling. You don't want to be looking back in 19 years saying "my ex is getting married soon". Good Luck

Get ready for a rough ride!! U can try to talk to your school/college help of your church.<br />
<br />
Consider leaving for a break to get out of the 'habit' that has formed.<br />
<br />
You can get away but u just not ready yet and may b u both need support about the loss of your baby.<br />
<br />
Take care

Aaaww!!! how sweet!!!! i think i feel the same about one of mine lol(except i find mines to be very attractive)lol