He's Like a Drug

My ex - I'm still hung up about my ex. It's like I need him to make me feel good, in a way that nothing and nobody else can. The more I see him the more I want to see him. If he's late calling me or coming to see me I get huge anxiety levels and am literally shaking and pacing the floor, and frantically trying to call him. When he postpones things or even worse just doesnt show up, I get really upset and sometimes feel like I have to find him at all costs, even if I lose my dignity in doing so. 

How can one be so addicted to somebody? Is it because I have never felt loved, as a child? (I was emotionally abused by my mother until I cut her out of my life).

My ex is still my attachment figure. Only HE can make me feel better. It's awful because he is not mine and he's a busy man, and doesn't have enough time for me.

IndigoPeachblossom IndigoPeachblossom
36-40, F
8 Responses Mar 16, 2009

My ex dumped me in a strange, round-about way nearly 9 months ago. He was my first love, my first boyfriend, my first of many things (I am a late bloomer in the social realm, all this happened when I was 28. I am now 31). For a while I was able to convince myself that we would find a way to get together again, that I was hurting so horribly that surely things would go back to him loving me and we would live out our lives together, which he always said we would. It didn't help that he assured me over and over again that things would "be okay". But he grew more distant, accused me unfairly of being mentally ill, and basically took back all of his promises to me that he would always be there for me, that I was his "one", etc. I was able to uphold a no-contact rule for a while, but it didn't help, and I ended up caving and responding to his texts (his preferred, "safe" way to communicate). I still think of him EVERY day. The nights are especially hard, still! One would think I would be able to recognize that he is not the man I fell in love with, that he lied to me, that he has clearly moved on (as far as I know he's in a relationship with a mutual friend of ours, and has been since April). Still, every text I get from him, every rare email, every seldom phone call...it all sets my heart a flutter and actually feels like a drug hit...getting me high as a kite for an hour or two until it wears off and I am again feeling severe withdrawal: the worst, most intense aching for something that I have ever felt in my life. I've tried distracting myself, filling my life and my time with other things, but it doesn't fill that hole, that abyss in the center of my being. Time has not made this any better. I am thoroughly addicted. He is the most powerful drug...and I fear that if I continue to struggle so horribly from the grasp he has on my life I may turn to ever more dangerous things to further attempt to find a working distraction from the loss he instilled in me.

Long story short I am hopelessly addicted to my ex :(
I would do anything seemingly for another 'hit' even to the pt of embarassing and lowering myself, sending messages repeatedly only to get no response and look more foolish, almost begging, etc etc
this is not one way- for the record. At one time (even as early as a month ago) he told me he was having withdrawals from me and he could "eat again after he talked to me" and overall felt so much better. I wonder now was that a lie?? how can u go from saying stuff like that a month ago to not giving a **** now?!
I don't want to go into much detail but this was an affair (please no judging I get it) and we are both with other ppl who know about the affair so there are no secrets. however after his partner found out he pretty much ditched me :(
he tried to friend route but I was way too emotionally involved still so that wouldn't work and probably still am. It would hurt me if we were friends on FB b/c I care so much and to see his wife post on his wall and a million other girls he flirts with I couldn't handle it.
I don't know what to do. I miss him. i still love him. I AM THE LAST ONE who has emailed him a few times with no response so I certainly should not be the one reaching out AGAIN right? and what if he didn't respond again? I would hate him and myself. ughhhhh this guy has driven me to the depths of insanity :/

I need help :(

I'll do anything to stop crying over my ex. I cant help but call her over and over again and plead...ugh.the more i push the more she becomes detached :(

jasmine, may I ask what happened betwen you and you ex as to why you two are no longer togther? I do know this hon, I remember a break up I had with this girl along time ago and it almost ruined me. The biggest part of this is that you aren't able to move on and live. Having said that, it has stopped you from going out and fiding some one who would fullfill your wants and needs in a relaionship, by waiting to see if he is going to run when you call him is very unhealthy for you. Did you start dating him right after cutting ties with your mother? There may a connection there specially when it comes to needing that kind of relationship.

Firefly, this article is quite useful.Thanx.<br />
I'm not sure the frontier between addiction and 'healthy love' is that clear, but yeah I tend to believe lonely children, that feel emotionally severed are likely to cling to the first person that gave them care and even trivial attention.<br />
I can see that hardship you're going thru , Jasmine, as a necessary step towards becoming a loving self-confident person. <br />
All those repressed feelings of love have got to give in, let them go out. Your ex is possibly not able to alleviate your fears, maybe he's even nurturing them. Which doesn't mean he gives you nothing good. You know he gave you something you needed. You probably feel extremely grateful for it.<br />
He's got problems of his own. But you, you can recognize your power to care, and decide this is not just an emotional disability, it's an overwhelming power you need to learn to manage.<br />
Find other outlets.

Firefly21 thanks for sharing. It's good to know somebody understands me. He makes me feel 2 extremes, either very happy in a way I've not been able to find elsewhere or extremely sad and upset when he cannot or will not be with me, when he said he'd come over to see me, or take me out and doesn't follow through.

I SOOO know what you mean. I dont understand how someone could make me feel so pathetic and yet so happy. I totally relate and based on what i have read for my own piece of mind it does usually have something to do with them fulfilling a need and it's not that your addicted to THEM as much as its that you are addicted to the feeling of fulfillment. <br />
<br />
Here are somethings i have read:<br />
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/im-addicted-to-my-ex-help-191982/<br />
<br />
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/aunt_sally/article1083094.ece<br />
<br />
maybe they will help you