***********: A Life-long Addiction And The Lie I've Lived

I don't like dealing with this, but tonight it came to the front. This addiction cannot be avoided in my life. I've tried that strategy so many times I want to scream. My story is like many guys out there. We found Playboys, Victoria's Secret, or any other naked, half-naked woman in a magazine. My story has odd situations and situations I regret so much. Who ever says *********** is fine is fooling himself or herself. It tears you to pieces. I'm in my early thirties. I've been addicted to *********** since I was under the age of ten! Readers, that's twenty plus years of addiction. That's too long. I am a believer in God and in that time I have given my life to Him, quit following Him, struggled with Him, cursed Him and so much more. I've lived a lie. A sinful man trying to think he can break a mind-altering addiction on his own.

I can't tell you the number of times I've "quit" looking at ***********. I've deleted hundreds of saved pictures off computer hard drives and flash memory. I've thrown away magazines and videos. I've blocked the television stations. Friends have tried to help me. While attending my Christian college they moved me to an entire room with no roommate or internet. Still I come back to this addiction. It takes hold of your mind and will not let go. Tonight I'd rather just cry and hate myself for my faults. I know no human is perfect. I believe that wholly as the Bible teaches us that. But how can I live a lie to my old college friends? Many know and I fear those the most. No. I won't wake up in the morning and go to church and walk to the altar. I haven't been to church more than four times since I finished college.

I ponder how I can consider myself a follower of God when I do nothing that glorifies Him in my life. Everything I do is selfish and completely self-centered. That will not change over night. He knows that. And it all started so simple. The simple things are what keep my attention and amaze me because in their simplicity they are complex. Today I fell. Tomorrow I seek help. Today isn't over, but I know tomorrow can start anew. And I know there are more than 30 people addicted to ***********. There are more than will ever admit they have looked at one, but still finding someone that helps is horrifying. My family thinks its a simple fix. My friends don't see the problem. Society tells me it's okay. But how can this be okay? How can being ashamed and embarrassed be okay? It cannot be okay. I have a hard time not viewing a woman the same. It takes effort and concentration to remember she's more than a body. She has a soul and is beautiful for more than her physical features.

This is my struggle. While I may not have other things completely under control this addiction has torn me apart more than anything. I hope you never find it as part of your life.
crisc8 crisc8
31-35, M
2 Responses Dec 2, 2012

I am also a recovering addict. Feel free to msg me queries. Check Mark Queppet Sacred Sexually videos on youtube and start working on the issue - stop struggling with it. Also consider therapy.

Thanks for sharing your side about this topic. I've rarely heard of guys confessing to stop this kind of addiction. It's pretty courageous of you too, because a female reader might read it, like me! Having read your story, I respect your honesty about your addiction and think back of mine although not similar. I hope you'll continue curbing this addiction. Too much of anything is actually not good for us, basically.