Come Along For The Ride

i started messing with prescription pills when i was 16. i started out with xanax...first time i took xanax i went for a drive and crashed my parents car. i lied and said someone cut me off and fled the scene. you'd think this would make for my first and last time but i kept going. i can't explain why but i then discovered alcohol made it all even better. i found myself doing everything and anything for xanax. one day my parents found me half dead on my futon...i couldn't stop.it didn't matter... i kept on anyway...finally one day i dropped everything and started living my life. as if nothing had happened, i guess xanax wasn't as bad as what i got into maybe 2-3 years later. i discovered vicodine in my moms medicine cabinet. started out with 1 and a beer, a few days later 2 and a beer and as the days progressed not even the vomiting was stopping me from taking 4-5 a day. i would wake up the next morning wanting to die, the depression was incredible i was also angry. i would go off on anyone for the slightest thing. i became this lazy person who only wanted to stay home not because i was high but because i just didn't want to leave the house. EVER.  what's funny is i stop for a few weeks and then pick up where i left off. i just need to know if i'm addicted. tolerance is one thing but i know i can get on and off whenever i want. i don't do it because i have to, i do it because i enjoy the feeling of laying in bed and feeling like im melting and focusing of how good i feel. even if it only last 30 to 45 mins and the rest of the time i feel like throwing up and itchy and sweaty. it doesnt matter because for that short amount of time i feel so good. i just ocassionlly get urges usually when i'm bored. i recently went through a rough break up and i knew that my break up depression and my after vicodin depression would not mix well. so, i didn't touch the vicodin. i think these are signs of someone who isn't addicted. am i? am i on my way? am i playing with fire? i just need to know exactly what's going on. everytime i wake up after a long night of not sleeping and going through the ups and downs of it i say this is the last time but i always tend to come back.