Afarid, A Fear That Still Is In My Life

 

                                     Have u ever gotten to a point in ur life that u hold onto a fear, and u know the reason why u do, but as u grow into an adult u seem to not be able to shake the fear u have, even though its from the past and u do not hold grudges but u cannot seem to shake a fear as an adult!!!!! This is where I am standing as a full grown adult, I have let go of my past, but for some reason there is a fear for that I cannot shake, I try so hard but the fear is only getting worse and more frighting too face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

                                Growing up in a military family we weren't allowed to show our feelings or our emotions, for if we did we were criticsed for being weak!

                           Growing up we weren't allowed to show our problems inside, let alone talk about them, for if we talked to anyone about our problems critisim would only over take our self-eestems, then the fights of emotional pain starts, then along comes rebillouness as well!!

 

                    I have been brought up in a family that is so fucken catoic, I beliveve in higher powers, I am a born again christan, I do not want to offend anyone, but my adopted family is so over bearing that " for all my life I have felt that I have to have there approval for every dam thing I do, and for every choice I make. Finally I was able to break the chains of that bull **** feeling when I was 23 yrs old, I finally started to live my life the way I want too, but here lately my bf wants to go and see my adopted parents, I am afarid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

       Every time I hear the words " let's go see ur adopted family", my spine crunches, goose bumps crawl all over me like spiders, my hair stands up in a frizz condition, I become a little depressed, I become a little hostile, my emotions become a merry go round with racey thoughts, my mind then dewlles then on the past, my body and mind get mixed together too the point I start too think negative!!!!

            My adopted family has no idea who I am, what I am really about, what pain they have caused me too live in through rebillouness ( its not their fault for my mistakes, its my own I am responsile enough to admit that thoes mistakes were my choices, but how was I to grow into a woman if I had not rebaloud agaist them, to find out who I really am and what I really stand for), but because of them they tired there best to make me into a woman that I was NEVER GONNA BE NOR WANTED TOO BE EITHER, so that is why for I reblloud against them!!! I know that I am not, the only got hurt emotionally or physogoically, they did too, but for I felt so long like a prisoner not only inside my self, but also a prisoner inside a box too them, because they wanted me to be them and fullfill there dreams and life style they have, which is NOT me and NEVER GONNA BE EITHER, NO WAY NO HOW, NOT IN THIS LIFE TIME OR THE NEXT EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My parents are such holly rollers and old fashioned, that every time I have to go see them I just wanna pass out, for its not hate nor grudges that are being holded towards them, but its a lonning for emptyness and acceptace that I have NEVER gotten from them nor there blessings, to be me and who I am really am!!!! No one understand why I cannot stand too see them or be around them, for I have let go of my past, but my flesh on the inside, turns upside down like an upside pineapple cake, with pineapples in it, another words when I see them or go visit, my body's fleash turns inside out with no organs beating inside for it feels like and the blood in my hearts feels as though its turned cold and I feel like I do NOT exsit too them!!!

 

                              I do not know how to handle this fear, even though now I am adult and a grown woman, I just cannot shake the fear that I have for that once held so long capative in a prison as my adopted parents prisoner inside this prison to be something I am not, and they use too make me feel weak like I am not able to stand on my own two feet and that I have to ask for approval on every dam fucken thing in life. It hurts so bad when I have to hear there names, when I am asked too go visit them, or call them on the phone, ( my adopted dad and I were close but not anymore), our family has become estranged, I am being to love it this way, I feel as though I have more power over myself and my actions and my choices I make, for this way I feel like I am not a prisoner any more too always ask for approval!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not get me wrong I am grateful for what my adopted parents have done for me, especially for choosing me to be there's but how can I be there's when they cannot accept them from the start or even now?

 

               I am person who is greateley blessed, but I do not need approval to do things like: smoke ciggs, have a nose piercing, have a cartilage ring, have tattoos, or anything else. But a long time ago my adopted family made me feel this way, and if I did do something like these things I enjoy they would only denial me more and more, for that is what has grown us apart. My adopted parents are NOT bad people but for they cannot accpet there daughter and how she is and who she is and what has made me to be me today, I am a strong person, stubborn ( I will hold my ground till my last breath is taken, I do not give up easily for I refuse too), but everything wrong thing in life has made me stronger, and my bf Frank has made me the happiest in life right underneathe my failth and higher powers, for now its I feel completely a whole person, no one has made me feel this way until my bf Fank came along!!!

 

                                                                  This is a fear that I cannot earse from my memory or my past, even though I have blessed enough too have my past vanished away from me forever and ever amen!! I just wish Frank my bf would see my pain when he ask " can we see ur adopted family and visit them for a while", for he has no idea how far or how etreame this pain of a fear has taken a toll on me from the start. I can handle rejection from others, but NOT when it comes to my adopted family, I love them and always will, but I feel my soul has no rest when I have to visit them, I feel this fear trying to over start and trying to throw my past in my life, all beause of this fear!!!!! I wish someone could see or sense my pain, within this fear that lays inside of me like a casket, but only boxed up with all the cememt glue, all the staples from a staple gun, and anything else that will forever keep it close away from me and my heart!!!!

mysterygirlsky mysterygirlsky
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 5, 2010

Im old enough to be ur mother, but with that I have many experiences as both a daughter and a mother. I thought about what u wrote (and I could be way off since I don't know ur history - like ur age when u were adopted, or if u have any contact w ur birth mom). <br />
Ur a bright, creative young woman who wears her heart on her sleeve. Seems like there's a nature vs. nurture thing going on. It's clearly in ur nature to b this way, since ur adopted parents tried so hard to change u into someone they wanted u to be, and couldn't. Had they not criticized u for being weak for expressing ur feelings, u might'v become more like the person they wanted u to b. I know that many people just don't posses a wide spectrum of feelings, or just can't or don't express them. It sounds like thats how ur adopted parents are. As far as I'm concerned, it's irrelevant because U WERE THE CHILD, THEY CHOSE U, and it WAS THEIR JOB to provide for u emotionally as well as financially once they adopted you. My older kids were adopted by my husband, and the adoption papers SPECIFICALLY stated that he had both the desire AND MEANS to nurture them financially AND EMOTIONALLY. That's a parents job, and that's why it's in the adoption papers. It's too hard to explain how strongly I can relate to living with someone who sees ex<x>pression of feeling as weakness - a military mindset. Or turning to those u should be able to turn to with a problem, only to b sorry u opened up because it gets thrown back in ur face as criticism - crushing ur trust and breaking ur heart. <br />
Please don't misunderstand me; I'm sure ur adopted parents had the very best intentions for you, but it bothers me to read how much pain u feel just thinking about them. U said something like being a prisoner in urself. Like u needed their approval, which u couldn't get being urself, so u locked the real u up inside. I wasn't adopted, but I did hide who I really was because I desperately needed my parents approval. In fact, I lived my life for their approval so long that my life and my childrens lives were ruined, and our future looks pretty bleak. They were old fashioned and assumed it was best I had a husband, so convinced me to marry young. I know they were only trying to protect me from making mistakes, but the worse mistakes were made trying to make them happy and marrying not 1 but 2 men we all misjudged! When my older kids were small I divorced their abusive father, and they had me believing I couldn't stand on my own 2 feet, even tho I had a great career and wanted to buy my own townhome. I would have been fine but they convinced me I needed to move back home, which set off a chain of events resulting in the loss of everything I had achieved - my career, my financial freedom, being forced into borrowing 200K on a home I owned, free and clear of any debt, and ending up having nothing but debt I have no way to pay, on a house I already bought. It meant so much to me to make sure my kids could one day go to college, start a business, and just chase their dreams that I gave up 14-16 hours/day, with no days off, for 15 years.<br />
Ur realizing this at a good, normal time (early-mid 20s?).My son figured out that he would never have the approval of his adopted father when he was pretty young. I did my best to teach him good values about loyalty and friendship, and I let him have his friends over all the time, year after year because we knew I'd been fooled and my husband never loved me, much less them. It ended up saving him when he'd had enough of his adopted father. All his friends' parents remembered I'd opened my home, shared my food, and even my money as if they were my own kids all those years. So by the age of 16 my son left and found families where he could stay. He's 19 and jobless, car-less, and we live in a rural place w no jobs. My car was stolen and they totalled it almost 2 yrs. ago and I lost my job because of it. My husband pays the mortgage but we all hate him, and I may never be able to work if I don't get better. <br />
When I was growing up my mother and aunt were beautiful twins. They were models for several long running ad campaigns that used twins to sell their products. As twins they were close, so I saw those cousins all the time. All of us were girls, and I grew up listening to the two of them compare our physical features. I ended up seeing the parts of me that were from my dad's side as ugly, no matter how many times the rest of the world said I was pretty. But my point is that I didn't recpognize compliments from the rest of the world, only my mom (or to flip it around, I could handle rejection from anyone else except my parents. I tried too hard to be what they wanted me to be (appearance-obsessed housewife I guess, whose valued by what my husband does for a living?). I dunno, maybe ur afraid ur adopted parents will mess things up with ur bf. Like either they'l disapprove of him and mess with ur relationship, or somehow transfer their criticisms of u onto him. I can't think anymore, but I hope u can find some comfort in knowing that you are smart to realize the effect seeing them has on you. And also examining whether it's in ur best interest at this time to see them. U said ur beginning to like it that way. Believe it or not, many older people besides me end up not speaking to their families because it's just too stressful. I personally think that u should talk to your guy to make sure he understands. If he's supportive, then he can giv u the strength and support to introduce him to them, and maybe tell them how hard it was for you to take this wonderful guy over to meet them. He's important. He makes u happy.<br />
All I ever wanted for my kids was to see them grow up into happy adults(and it's very hard staying happy when ur poor, especially once u have kids and u have to watch them go without stuff all the kids around them have. That's the reason I gave up so much; so my kids could follow their dreams, which isn't gonna happen now. My husband gained financial control over me by adopting my older kids (lose of child support), at a time when I had 5 people to take care of, including an invalid mother and a toddler w hearing problems. I couldn't work outside the home (no income). I already owned the house so it wasn''t like he couldn't pay our bills living rent free. I refused to do it, but he got meaner and meaner, starting with stuff like putting me down as useless, silly for expecting him to pay for someone else's kids, made me beg and sob for money for food, picking on my older kids, and taking my mother's social security money. Hed just keep saying it can all stop if I'll just borrow some money. It's too much to talk about really disgusting and pathetic. But I did fight him as hard as I could to stop him from making me sign papers from crooken lenders, even tho I eventually caved in. I'm stubborn to and stand by my principles, but watching him hurt my kids and my mom made me cave eventually. I just needed a job or some income but no one in my family would help me watch my mom and toddler, and I couldn't save money for a sitter while I looked for work. <br />
Anyways, ur adopted parents should just want you to be happy. To me, a loving parent should do their very best to help their kids transition into adulthood successfully, by encouraging independence, but being there just in case for guidance when needed. I'm shutting up now.

hey ty so much for ur comment and support, my friend again ty:}

Hey, you have had your fair amount of life stuff going on but it sure takes guts to write about it in such an articulate way. Think about how far you have come in life, where you are now despite all your pain. I know the pain you are feeling and it is very hard to just shut off. I know how it feels to not be able to introduce your boyfriend to your adoptive parents. I rarely introduce my friends or partners to my father, it infills me with dread and fear. Don't pressure yourself though, have you spoken to your boyfriend about why you'd rather not introduce them. At the end of the day though, if he will accept your adoptive parents as part of the parcel if he really cares about you. After all they are only part of your life, not all of you. You have a wonderful soul and know all the pain that is hapening will one day be something that is in the past and something you can look back on and say, I made it through. And you will. ((((Hugs))))