I'm So Lonely And Yearn For Connection, But Am So Afraid

I'm 22 years old. I'm attractive, smart (when it comes to school), and friendly. All my life I have dealt with failure, rejection, bullying, and disappointment. I think because of that, i am very insecure with myself. I have never had a boyfriend before, although I've dated a couple guys or "talked to" guys. I tend to push away from guys that try to pursue me because I get scared. I'm afraid of their intentions, and I guess you can say, I find myself hard to trust them and to open up to them. I want so desperately to be loved and be in a relationship that it is causing me to be depressed on a daily basis. Instead of trying to go out and meet people, I stay home and just want to be alone...and eat. I thought I have binge eating disorder, but really I don't necessarily eat THAT much to classify it as that. I eat to make myself feel better. I am obsessed with my body image and the way that I look.. I am a perfectionist. If I'm not eating healthy or losing weight, I feel so ****** about myself. I am very close with my family, but since I'm depressed, I'm pushing away from them as well. My mom is very involved in my life, and I am the meanest to her. I find it hard to say "I love you" to anyone, even my family. I was always like that ever since I was a little girl. I hated affection..I HATE when anyone touches me. However, if I'm the one that is okay with giving out affection it is fine. I tend to fall for guys who are in relationships...I become infatuated with them and spend every waking moment with them..getting to know them..and hoping that one day that they will finally realize that they love me. Ever since I was a teenager, I was disrespected by a lot of guys... guys would say rude remarks regarding my body or sexual things, and it would make me feel very uncomfortable. And guys would always just try to "hook up" with me, or call me hott. Honestly, now at my age it turns me off when guys call me hott. Not to sound conceited (because I'm not in any way, i'm very self conscious).. but I know I am good looking..I don't think I'm ugly, but I don't think I'm drop dead gorgeous either. Since guys are so fixated on my looks, I feel as if they are blinded by my personality and have a one track mind. I feel as if all they want from me is sex. Why can't a guy get to know me on a real level and like me for my personality? Guys aren't patient enough for that..they don't want to wait for me. If i'm not ready to get involved on a physical level, they don't want anything to do with me. And this is extremely hurtful. A lot of guys think that I'm very experienced, when I'm really still a virgin. I have done other stuff (because I was the one that pursued the guy...hence, I was in CONTROL)..but I want to save my virginity for someone special.. I want to wait for that special one that I fall in love with. The reason why I'm like this is because of my morals.. from what my mom raised me to be and from what is in the bible. My one friend who is like me found a guy and he waited 9 months before they had sex. (he is 24). I want a love that they have so bad. I feel as if no one will actually love me that much to wait that long. Another thing, my sex drive is not as good as it used to be.. I mean sometimes I desire to have sex, but since I am depressed and very self conscious about my body, I never want to do sexual things. I'm afraid that it will be like that if I'm in a relationship and that will be a problem. I even stopped getting my period which obviously has a huge impact on my hormone levels. I really need some advice...will things change? will i finally find someone? I went out on a date with this guy the other night to have drinks, and he kept on asking me to go back to his place...which obviously made me feel very uncomfortable. I just really want that special someone I can open up to and not be afraid to be myself around. I just find it so hard because I feel like they won't actually like me. please help..I want to have a family someday :(