I'm So Lonely And Yearn For Connection, But Am So Afraid

I'm 22 years old. I'm attractive, smart (when it comes to school), and friendly. All my life I have dealt with failure, rejection, bullying, and disappointment. I think because of that, i am very insecure with myself. I have never had a boyfriend before, although I've dated a couple guys or "talked to" guys. I tend to push away from guys that try to pursue me because I get scared. I'm afraid of their intentions, and I guess you can say, I find myself hard to trust them and to open up to them. I want so desperately to be loved and be in a relationship that it is causing me to be depressed on a daily basis. Instead of trying to go out and meet people, I stay home and just want to be alone...and eat. I thought I have binge eating disorder, but really I don't necessarily eat THAT much to classify it as that. I eat to make myself feel better. I am obsessed with my body image and the way that I look.. I am a perfectionist. If I'm not eating healthy or losing weight, I feel so ****** about myself. I am very close with my family, but since I'm depressed, I'm pushing away from them as well. My mom is very involved in my life, and I am the meanest to her. I find it hard to say "I love you" to anyone, even my family. I was always like that ever since I was a little girl. I hated affection..I HATE when anyone touches me. However, if I'm the one that is okay with giving out affection it is fine. I tend to fall for guys who are in relationships...I become infatuated with them and spend every waking moment with them..getting to know them..and hoping that one day that they will finally realize that they love me. Ever since I was a teenager, I was disrespected by a lot of guys... guys would say rude remarks regarding my body or sexual things, and it would make me feel very uncomfortable. And guys would always just try to "hook up" with me, or call me hott. Honestly, now at my age it turns me off when guys call me hott. Not to sound conceited (because I'm not in any way, i'm very self conscious).. but I know I am good looking..I don't think I'm ugly, but I don't think I'm drop dead gorgeous either. Since guys are so fixated on my looks, I feel as if they are blinded by my personality and have a one track mind. I feel as if all they want from me is sex. Why can't a guy get to know me on a real level and like me for my personality? Guys aren't patient enough for that..they don't want to wait for me. If i'm not ready to get involved on a physical level, they don't want anything to do with me. And this is extremely hurtful. A lot of guys think that I'm very experienced, when I'm really still a virgin. I have done other stuff (because I was the one that pursued the guy...hence, I was in CONTROL)..but I want to save my virginity for someone special.. I want to wait for that special one that I fall in love with. The reason why I'm like this is because of my morals.. from what my mom raised me to be and from what is in the bible. My one friend who is like me found a guy and he waited 9 months before they had sex. (he is 24). I want a love that they have so bad. I feel as if no one will actually love me that much to wait that long. Another thing, my sex drive is not as good as it used to be.. I mean sometimes I desire to have sex, but since I am depressed and very self conscious about my body, I never want to do sexual things. I'm afraid that it will be like that if I'm in a relationship and that will be a problem. I even stopped getting my period which obviously has a huge impact on my hormone levels. I really need some advice...will things change? will i finally find someone? I went out on a date with this guy the other night to have drinks, and he kept on asking me to go back to his place...which obviously made me feel very uncomfortable. I just really want that special someone I can open up to and not be afraid to be myself around. I just find it so hard because I feel like they won't actually like me. please help..I want to have a family someday :(
Gymgirl89 Gymgirl89
10 Responses Dec 29, 2011

How are you now? Any updates?

I know this is old but this post made me cry. This is so similar to my story at 22 which is worse at 34. I get so tired of being told how beautiful I am by both men and women. I've heard it all my life! Tanks... I've also heard how exceptionally intelligent and nice I am. I feel men notice one but unfortunately not all three. The majority notice my beauty which lately has driven me to constant tears and long-term voluntary celebacy and isolation. I have recently felt tears roll down my face from a man simply smiling at me. (I know, I've decided seek therapy soon) I feel this type ONLY wants sex as that's what experience has taught me. However, when they notice my intelligence the outcome is worse. They REALLY want nothing to do with me or they become very abusive, physically and verbally and feel the need to constantly belittle and try to make me feel dumb because of subjects they lack understanding in. Oh and being nice... FORGET ABOUT IT! Nice guys finish last? Well so do the nice girls. I battle between convincing myself to be a ***** so I don't get taken advantage of (which will surely push more men away) and convincing myself that doing so would be my relinquishing control of self and allowing ******** to determine my character. Furthermore, good luck finding female friends as most women seem to geniunely HATE women who THEY FEEL have more to offer men than they do. What's crazy about that is that I don't hate these same type of female who have hated me most of my life and if only they knew my lack of self-esteem, anxieties over meeting new people or severe fear of being hurt in ANY form of relationship... I was always popular in school because of my beauty. The guys always fawned over me and the girls were always phony and pretened to be my friends but would exploit every weak point they could find. I have been betrayed and mistreated so many times that I've in my thirties chosen to only wear clothes which show absolutely no skin, no make-up, I don't really do my hair and I'm in the house every weekend. I haven't had a date in years and guess what... I still have no friends and no man. I find it difficult to hold conversations with many people because I have what many consider strange or geeky interests: cosmology, comparitive religions, history, musical composition, ect. I like looking at moss growth on trees, studying bugs and what-not. I guess maybe I could fit in with other geeky chicks or find a geeky guy if I weren't cursed with beauty. To sum it all up - I feel your pain and thank you for this post. It's nice to know I'm not completely alone. The internet - A loners best friend.

You totally wrote my life story!
i agree with the main consensus o n this page :)
DO things for yourself figure out how to do more for the less fortunate and really try to forget about this none sense negativity!
try being the one who initiates group activities for your friends!
Eventually this "problem" will fall by the way side and you will be trying to remember what you even felt like this day . im goin through it as we speak :D

me too!

I'm in a similar boat. I still don't understand myself and that's probably the most frustrating part. I'm sorry I can't offer any helpful advice but it's nice to know there's always someone going through similar stuff. It's comforting to know you're not alone.

I am old enough to be your grandfather, so take this advice from me:

1. If you act like a minnow, people will treat you like a shark. 2. Conversely, if you act like a prize, they'll think you're a catch. 3. You cannot have a good relationship with anybody else until you have a good relationship with yourself.

If I were you, I would make a conscious decision to step back for 6 months and re-write the foundation of your life. Take up a new hobby, join a health club. Examine all your friendships and decide if some of them should be terminated, if others should be strengthened. You need to contexturalize your life with positive external feedback. By making a conscious decision to push the outside world away for 6 months, you will make yourself the hero of your isolation, not the victim.

Ironically, if you are strong, confident and independent, you will start to attract a different type of friend, like catnip. And contact with those type of people will empower and validate the "new you".

As someone said, you are over-thinking this. Just turn down the noise for a while and RELAX. Things will turn around. If they don't, you should seriously consider seeing a professional counselor and talk about anti-depressive medication.

Thank you for this post. While at 42 I'm certainly not young enough to be your grandchild, I do appreciate the advice. My life took a turn awhile back through loss due to unnatural factors. This harsh reality has left me floating and frightened. Maybe 6 months off will help. Something has got to. It's like I can't find solid ground and don't know who I was when I was content.

I can totally relate, babe. It so could have been me that wrote what you wrote.

I think you need to take it easier a bit. You're putting too much thought and energy into things that don't matter so much. Your should gradually stop being so self-conscious about your body; it has probably become a habit, but every habit can be eliminated in time. This can also be done by taking up some sport and having fun with your friends by doing some activities like ... hiking, canoeing or whatnot.<br />
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There are a lot of guys out there who want more than just sex. Believe me for it. You probably are not in the right environment, try meeting new people, take up a new job... stuff like that. The internet is even full of nice guys that reached their 20s and haven't found the right partner. Sure, it's not a guarantee for success, but we're all in the same boat.<br />
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Good luck and don't forget to have fun in the meantime :D

bet it is how you were brought up and a fear they installed find a friend first and start to learn

go to sport. get girl friends to talk to. boys will come later.