Always Afraid...

Whenever my boyfriend and I kiss...and I mean KISS, not some little lip action, but full-out tongue-twisting, groping, sprawled on the bed kiss...I get this panicky feeling deep inside my chest, constricting my breath, making me want to push him away and curl up into a ball and never come out of my room ever again.  I don't know what's wrong with me....

LiquidFire89 LiquidFire89
18-21, F
4 Responses Sep 7, 2007

So, I had something similar a few times with some guys. The first one I dated for about six weeks. I never really wanted to make out and he did. I wasn't super opposed to the idea (it didn't disgust me or anything, I just didn't see the point), so I just put up with brief make out sessions. But eventually he wanted to make out for longer and I would stop the process. I tried to communicate to him that I didn't really want to make out with him, it was just something I did because I cared about him and wanted him to be happy. I didn't do a great job of explaining it and about a week after trying to explain myself, I had a panic attack (hard time breathing, I threw up, felt like I was going crazy) and broke up with him over the phone, (not my proudest moment since he hadn't really done anything wrong).And then about a year later, I was at a party at my friend's house (a friend I had pretty strong feelings for, actually, and they were somewhat mutual). After the party was ending, it was too late to walk home. I was going to sleep on his couch, but another guy I didn't know was sleeping in the same room, so I was feeling really uncomfortable. My friend whom I had sort of been cuddling up to all evening offered to share his bed with me, even adding that he wouldn't make any unwanted advances. At the time, I was happy about this--this guy I had strong feelings for liked me enough to share a bed! Alright! But, a few days later, I had another panic attack (this time surrounded by non-relationship related stress as well which made it worse).I thought about these incidents for a long time, and I think that these panicky feelings for me are two part: 1. I consider myself to some extent to be asexual (for me, I don't ever feel like I want to have sex with a stranger or a man I don't have a great trust with even if he's physically attractive, but I may want to be sexually involved with a man one day only after we are in a well-established relationship with emotional intimacy) and 2. I am very afraid of confrontation in a one-on-one scenario. I find the concept of that potential awkwardness to be debilitating sometimes.So, for you, I would suggest really thinking about what you want (obviously you don't want to feel panicky, but do you want to make out with your boyfriend in the first place?) and working on communicating with him about this feeling. I hope that he can be understanding about it.

Honey, what you feel is not out of this world. It can be quite common in people who have lived traumatic events related to sex, for some reason the act of sex or even intimacy scares you and makes you unconfortable (that thing about curling up into a ball is the fetus position, some people do that to self-confort themselves when they feel threatened, anxious, unconfortable) Something must have happened for you to feel like that dear, sometimes the way our parents adress sex with us in childhood (like not being able to talk about it or just being hearing them moan in sex, when we are childs) can result in adults to feel what you are feeling, I am just pointing out some reasons for that it may happened, BUT this is not the end, this is a situation that can be fixed, have you ever went to a psychologist? they are professionals who have learned how to deal with such situations and help you make those intimacy issues gone. Anything you say there it stays there, they are forced by their ethics and by law to not talk about anything talked in there outside that room, it may be extremely unconfortable to talk about this kind of stuff to a "stranger" but they are objective viewers that only want to solve the problem at hand. Don't panic, this situation can be fixed :) I hope you the best for you and your relationship with your boyfriend

Do you know my wife? No, but really I felt at first that my wife had general intimacy issues, but then after hearing her talk to her friend about a cross encounter with one of her old flames and how they had ended up making out over lunch and how great it was, I realized the issue must be with me. I am not saying this is the issue you are facing, but sometimes, people can have general intimacy issues in regards to everyone and others it's intimacy issues with a particular person. So, you should determine which it is and see a counselor. Don't ignore the issue until it becomes a bigger issue altogether or let it pass and wind up hurting someone you do love.

I have that same problem, and I don't know why, either.