Please Help Me!!!!

I am engaged to a woman whom I love very much.  She has issues of her own, but has come a long way and has worked very hard to survive and overcome.  The problem is that she says that I don't make her feel like a woman.  She tells me that she loves me with all her heart, and that I am the greatest guy she has ever known.  On the other hand, sometimes she just can't stand to be around me.  She says that I am not giving her what she needs.  There is nothing that I wouldn't do for her and she knows that. 

Basically, I have intimacy issues.  Perhaps, I am incapable of intimacy...  I know that I grew up with emotional abuse from both parents, and that they were TERRIBLE role models.  There was no intimacy in their marriage.  My mother was very black and white and emotionally controlling and my father was distant and angry.  I was the only one in the family who knew that he had a woman on the side.  In a very publicly church going very religious family, that was a hard secret for a kid to carry.

So here I am now, engaged, and trying to be the man that she needs me to be, and I have no idea how.  I need help.  Can anyone suggest any books that I can read?  Maybe a pill to take?  I have two failed marriages in my past.  I don't want this relationship to fail too.  I feel like half a man.

IndyNudist IndyNudist
46-50, M
16 Responses Feb 12, 2010

I miss me too. And I miss you and so many others...

I miss you :)

Thanks, Red. I appreciate it.

Mistakes mean you are human . Hugs

Thanks Red. Still with 2 failed marriages in my past, I have to figure that I need some help.

Indy as long as i have known you and trusted you ... You are not your parents . Loving ,kind , a great listener and friend . The unknown is scary and things are tough right now . One thing i love about you is how you reach inside and see the person you will sort through this . My friend give yourself some credit ,think it all through and see what has you in knots and why .

Build yourself into what you want to be. If you are trying to be what she wants, you will fail because it is false. Tell her to take it as it is, or leave it. However, why cannot you be intimate? Start with small acts, and enjoy them. It doesn't need to be anything sexual, just random acts.

Thanks Both of you.

This needs more then just a comment.... I'll be talkin with ya Indy

I wish I could give you some answers, or even some good pills, but unfortunately I don't have either. I do know that you are not doomed by any emotional issues. Emotions should be subordinate to thoughts, and you have your thinking in good order. Keep thinking and looking, and I'm certain you will overcome this obstacle the same as you have overcome so many others in life. One thought is to work together with her on this. It may help her understand you better, give her hope that your seriously seeking answers, and it's a beginning at working as a couple, instead of as an individual.

2B that is an outstanding answer. It is almost exactly what I would tell a friend in the same boat. Still deeper than what I wrote in the initial story is the fact that I KNOW that I have intimacy issues. Leaving her reaction completely out of it. I know that I relate to the world through defensive walls. I fully believe that it is what destroyed at least one of my previous marriges. I have also had close friends tell me the same thing. These are very intuitive people who know me very well. At the age of 47 am I doomed to be alone in my emotional fortress?

Because you ask this question in a sincere manner and express genuine concern, I felt compelled to respond with some insight that you may find useful. So I will get to the point and not sugar-coat it for you.<br />
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It is a person’s individual responsibility to be happy with themselves. If a person is not happy being a man or a woman it’s not the obligation of the people around them to provide that. If you depend on others for your personal satisfaction, happiness, achievements, or anything internal for that matter, it is guaranteed that you will be disappointed by the external world around you. It is that person’s responsibility to be Caretaker of themselves. In this way we come to know ourselves. Not knowing yourself is a form of disrespecting yourself. When a person does not know themselves they don’t know what they truly want in life either. So they try to find that in others - in other words living their life vicariously through others. Fearful of taking ownership of and living their own lives. The reasons can vary from not facing who they really are for fear of confronting reality to early trauma in life. Whatever the reason, this leads to confusion and heartache in relationships because they attempt to project their unrealized goals onto the other person; namely, you. This makes it easy; they don’t have to work at it. Now it’s your job! This is unfair.<br />
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Therefore having said that, it is not your responsibility to “make her feel like a woman.” That is her responsibility. Yours is to be yourself. Determine what her relationships were like in the past. Did she have a strong family upbringing? Does she have a healthy self-esteem? I couldn’t help but notice the self-esteem undercurrent in your story. Uncover the real issue and you’ll be in a better position to make a more-informed decision. This is what I tell my friends in similar situations: If someone doesn’t accept you for exactly who you are, they’re not really your friends. If necessary, find someone who appreciates you for the person you already are. It’s been my experience that most people who try to change their core nature or values usually end up aggravated, angry and unhappy. Do what you think is right and Good Luck!<br />
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PS - What do I gotta do to become a real Nudist?

Tried that. She lived with me for a while. She was unhappy for all of the reasons I listed in my story. Also she was unhappy being so far from her family. her grandaughter was born while she lived with me. Gotta get the issues fixed before we try being together again.

Start crying on your friend for guidance, and use their advice, not just say okay. Once both of you accept each other, she must move to you. Traditionaly, wife follow a husband where ever he goes. When I got married, I have just lost my job and had bills. The inlaws paid for everything and even got us a new car. Instantly, our basic need were met and she moved in with me.<br />
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Good luck and enjoy your new place, where ever that may be.

Thanks aces. We both agree that pre-marrital counselling is a must. Sadly we live an hour and a half apart , and are both struggling desparately financially.

Believe it or not, both of you need pre-marriage counceling. To start, show your message "Please Help Me" to any councelor and they will know exactly what to do for both of you. If she does not agree, than have your friend handly to cry on, that is what they are there for.