Post

I Can't Kiss My Husband

I am so frustrated, sad, confused, etc....  I'm having huge issues with intimacy and can't nail down why.  I recently discovered that I am okay with having sex with my husband but not with foreplay.  I don't want to do all of the kissing and heavy petting.  The way I discovered this was while kissing him.  I burst into tears and practically a panic attack and continued to cry for about an hour.  We have had some major relationship stuff happening for just over a year and I had been suffering from lack of sex drive due to birth control and anti-depressants.  I've eliminated the chemical causes but now have this intimacy thing going on.  I feel like I am damaged or broken or something.  We are in marriage counseling for the "issues" so I'm hoping we tackle this too.  Ugh!

BCoonce BCoonce 33, F 7 Responses Apr 15, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

Get therapy with a therapist experienced with helping people with issues related to sex. What you're going through is hard on you and your husband. You need outside help to improve things. If you could solve this on your own, you would.

I'm having the exact same issues. Except I don't want the sex either. So confused also. Very depressing isn't it! Hope u get it sorted x

hi, feel very much same, but dont know how to approach it.....had kids very quickly, got diagnosed with postnatal depressioin, wanted to move nearer home, husband didnt, stood by him for kids sake, with another baby on way some years ago, then, all went wrong,,,,,,husband lost job anyway, i got pn depression, kids got bullied school, then on and off being trying to sell up and get out here, but i just cant be initmate past few months, lot stuff in extended family, da very unwell, am waiting surgery, just trying to survive phsically, put back on meds back on 3 stone and feel crap in my self totally, and disgusting i have explained all this to my husband about having such low self esteem, and am home with kids all time, lost all my confidence, and my career, absolutely love my kids so dearly but dont know who i am..........

Hmmm.



Interesting .. the foreplay or more important the touching, the conversation, a hand on the back, were things that I felt awkward and nervous with when I was engaged and finally married ... like you, the sex I had no problem with , , but my aversion to kissing or being touched continued even after I was married a while . .



can you send me a personal message ? I'll try to help ... or at listen ..



xoxox

Monique

Hey girl. Psych major here. Maybe I can help. It sounds like either one, something terrible happened to you that you do not wish to disclose to strangers, or two, your husband is a jerk and he has done something horrible that you do not wish to disclose. If neither of these are the case, maybe something happened that you are repressing. This happens because our brain is trying to protect us from the traumatic event. I hope you figure out what is going on, and please, get some counseling for your dilemma.

Well marriage counseling is fine, but you probably need to see a counselor by yourself. You need to identify what is at the root of your problem, then use marriage counseling to help you communicate your needs to your husband. He is probably at a complete loss and hurting very bad right now.



My wife has similar issues, but she does not see it as being an issue. She described kissing me as being very closterphobic. We have since separated and only gotten more distant. I do not see much hope for us.



I wish you luck in your search for the answer.

You know, I have to question your presumption. Underneath it all, it is likely that you really really do trust him, enough to show him you are flawed and imperfect. Otherwise you would present that cool and calm exterior that people who fake it present; you know the kind, always in control, never authentic? You trust him enough to be human, but he was not the start of your issues, they were there before you met him. Is it possible you were molested at some point in life? Because what you are experiencing is not at all unheard of in people who suffered abuse, especially if they refused to deal with it back then. Statistically, more women have been abused, sexualized and molested than there are women who have not. It's sad, but true (studies have been done). Perhaps you really want him to prove to you that you CAN trust him, that he WON'T hurt you or leave you because somebody else made you feel ashamed.