I Looked Back And Now Hes Gone. Its unbearable

The beggining of the end began about two months ago for me, but i will start by telling you my spiritual history first. It all started in highschool. I was raised in a good christian home but the parties and girls in highschool kept me completely away from God. I was pretty much a proffesing hippocrate. During this time i had the idea that i could make an extra buck if i grew marajana. So i spent 300 dollars buying equipment for my mini factory. I had buckets, fans, bubble makers, solution, lights ect. Although i had yet to grow or buy even one plant, my project was consuming my whole life. Wherever i went i was only able to
think about the operation that i was hiding. One day i decided to go to the Y where i saw an old friend. He told me to go to church because there was a really good sermon. i hadnt been to church in 3 years . ironically the sermon was titled "Weeds". It was about the things in life that consume your life and choke out God. I took that as a Q from God and got rid of all my marajuana stuff. Thank God i never owned grew, or regularly smoked it. Eventually though, about three years later, i started seeking after God in a very serious way. If i only would have taken jesus serious when he says " many will seek and not be able" i might have been more diligent. I started seeking God big time while i was working at a waterpark. I was able to seek him practically the whole day. Seeking God consisted in him convicting me of every little sin until it was unbearable. At this point i cried out to God that I could no longer bear my sin. I gave up. When i did this the most incredible peace that passes all understanding came over me. The peace of God is literally so good it cannot be described in words. At this time i also was helped by God to understand that we were never meant to be away from God -even for one second, it was brought to my attention that heaven will be a great homcomeing. It was so great that i started singing to God because i couldnt help it. Also i looked around and couldnt help but love everyone with the most perfect love. I had too more of these experiences where Gods greatness followed severe conviction of sin. The next thing the holy spirit revealed to me was that jesus is the savior and that hes like a burning and holy fire. The last thing revealed to me was that we are saved by grace twice, which was later confirmed when i read about " grace upon grace" in the bible. Each experience was verified by the bible a day or two later. Despite these experiences i still wasn't sure if i was saved because i never felt i knew jesus in my heart- although i certainly believed he was the savior. After a few weeks of still seeking and not being born again it was time for me to go off to school. I went to school and noticed that i was embarrassed of other christians, and also ashamed of the gospel. I didnt want to be, but i couldnt harldy help it i was so shallow. Eventually i became frustrated that i wasnt born again and went seeking help. First i started watching sermons about knowing jesus personally. I talked to about 5 people that told all said " do you beleive that jesus saved you from your sins" i kept saying yes, but that i wasnt born again and That most other christians have a joy about jesus i havent yet understood at all. Remember, at this point my life i had, or at least tried to, ask jesus into my heart about 100 times. I also felt conviction over sin, need to repent to be cleansed, and comfort in the bible that i could get almost nowhere else. I was so frustrated that i wasnt born again yet though that i decided it would be a relief to go out to a baseball game with some old friends. I went to this game and drank quite a bit intentionally and was too ashamed to tell my friends why i quit "going out". I went home that night and realised that something was catergorically more wrong about what i had done that night than my ushual sins. I realise now that its because i was looking back to my old life. After a few weeks i went and talked to a spirit filled believer about being born again. Immediately when he started talking about heart knowledge the holy spirit came on my heart and it was so beautiful that i couldnt pay attention in class it was showing me that being born again had to do with the heart. I enjoyed the experience, but did not go and seek heart knowledge after- if the holy spirit reveals something to you please follow it immediately. After that i had two more experiences where the holy spirit tried to tell me to have a more active faith, i enjoyed "listening" to the spirit, but kinda took it for granted- i had the notion that nothing ultimately bad could happen to me. ( i didnt listen to the spirit probably because i was distracted by worldly things and also because i was ashamed and had a pretty rotten heart). Although i tried to share jesus one time when the holy spirit was with me, thats really it. After all this i started reading some of the warnings in the bible and realising they applied to me, although i didnt take them as being deadly serious because of my frustration.The two scriptures were the spiritual death scripture, and also the one about putting your hand to the plow and looking back. Well from here, although i wasnt yet dead, i started asking people to pray for me but being frustrated because i knew prayer wasnt helping. Then one night i read the bible and the holy spirit came on me and revealed some scipture in an amazing way. STILL though i was not walking forward in my faith. Well, about two nights later i got so frustrated that i went to a party with a friend, and ended up basically purposefully ignoring my concious. After this i didnt repent and went to bed ( almost as if to hide from god). I woke up the next morning and realised that something about me had changed. I tried to repent for about 30 minutes but couldnt. I felt very different.i couldnt read the bible and i also was no longer convicted of my sin. I went from a state of having faith in christianity to having knowledge that it is true. Also an incredible fear gripped me. It was so bad that i stopped doing college cold turkey, i just couldnt. Also, i wanted nothing more than to have another chance to read the bible, repent, pray ect. One day the absence of god was so strong that i collapsed and started crying. I cried everyday for hours. I felt real despair, the type only judas would know. Worst of all, now i really realise i deserved everything that happened and i want to repent of it but i cant. My spiritual side totally died. Church and christians ushually fill me with fear in my heart, and i can hardly relate to people. All the work that God has done in my life left, and im depressed, short with people, unable to love people like i used to, unable to enjoy life like i used to unless im sleeping.I can feel the hardness of my heart This is the beggining of hell. PLEASE have a reverence for God. Also keep jesus's first commandment and you'll never fail. Love God, not just his gifts. He really loves you. If anyone has advice i would love it. Im pretty desprate and dont want to be away from God. In fact i would die now if i could read his word one more time the way i used to. If anyone thinks there is hope i wouldn't mind it, but i would also like to know why there is hope. Especially in the light of hebrews 6, which i seem to qualify for. Thanks much for reading my post. Prayers are appreciated Sincerely, John B
jobrand jobrand
18-21, M
12 Responses Dec 12, 2012

I too devoted myself into sin and suddenly went from believing to knowing it is true, as you write, and I can't repent how hard I try. Have you found any solution yet?

Listen to me: I'm an 18 year old boy who received Christ this year. I came to this page a while ago believing the same lie. It is impossible.. i repeat... IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to lose your salvation. Your feelings mean nothing. Absolutely nothing. I know that sounds harsh but it's true. Don't look for feelings. Your faith hasn't gone anywhere. God is waiting on you to run back to Him. Pray and don't focus on feelings. Focus on him and know that his grace is bigger than your biggest mistake. Once saved, always saved. God bless you.

Hey, saw your guys' posts as I was trying to find anyone who's gone through something similar to what I'm going through. It's been 3 months since the Lord tested me and showed the ugly reality of my heart. I don't know if I was ever saved -- may have just convinced myself I was. Barely been able to pray or read my Bible since, and have fallen into old sinful patterns without much struggle anymore.. I keep looking for articles that provide some hope, but I feel like I know what's done is done and I'm just trying to convince myself of something that isn't true...

I'm read your story and I believe your a prodigal son that needs to return home.

A few notes.

Salvation is starts with being born again.

If you have been born again, the Holy Spirit never left you. Jesus is faithful to you. You may have disconnected yourself from Him by sin but the Bible is clear that you are sealed with the Holy Spirit to the day of promise; He will never leave you nor forsake you; Jesus is the anchor for your soul and has already interred in the veil.

The lost feeling is the effect of your sin.
You need to repent of everything. Be specific.
You need to come to God believing that He Is and that He's at rewarder of those that diligently seek Him.
Also the Bible says that if you are born again, fornication for example is adultery against Jesus Christ.
Repent specifically of sin.

Don't accept fate. Date says this is it, oh well.

God has given mankind the awesome responsibility of choosing your own end.

Choose to follow Jesus Christ and submit to Him as Lord.

Repentance is key.

Repent and believe on Jesus Christ.

Finally, abide/stay firmly put in the Holy Bible.
Jesus is the Word and His Word is able to save your soul. His Word is a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path.

Don't buy into any man-made religion outside of the Holy Bible. Those beliefs will lead you straight to hell.

Those be few that find it. The Holy Bible contains the Words of life. You have found it. Walk by faith in the Word of God.

Jesus said, walk in the light while the light is still with you.

The Holy Bible is light, it is a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path.

Sinning a specific sin can bring demons along with it. Demons cause people to lose hope because the person knows the demon is there and they feel lost, hopeless, etc. if this is your case don't panic. The key is repentance. I sinned by legalism in 2007 and didn't even realize what my sin was until another Christian showed me where I was wrong. I had demons from this sin. As long as I practiced legalism/sin it blocked access to fellowship with God. It wasn't until I repented of legalism that the demon left because the sin of legalism was the door for the demon(s). Once I specifically repented of the sin, Legalism... The Holy Spirit came like a dove an I was restored from hell-like on earth.
Sin was the culprit.

Hi John Im Olivia and im twelve years old. Today i woke up and i felt bear in my heart too. Dont feel like your alone in all this, amazingly my testimonie is i was born in a christian home i go to church every sunday. (ecept if one of us is sick ect) And after reading this i just wanna say that God put this on my heart that even though u feel bear inside and dont think prayers are working. He listens to all his children in the darkest of times. Thank u for sharing your testimonie that really helps. And if u still feel bad read Prov 25:28 and on.

Hello again,I need to apologize for a mistake I made in my first post to you. I mentioned that you had been drinking the night before you woke up the next morning feeling you had lost your salvation. I realized that was another night you were referring to. I do want to let you know though, that I still can understand why you felt the way you did the next morning esp. after saying that you went against your conscience more than usual. That says alot. You felt you had crossed a line in your own conscience, partied amd went to bed without talking to God. The next morning you felt the Holy Spirit left. He didnt leave. He never said He would leave you for any reason in His word. It is easy for our minds to believe things so deeply that we feel convinced. I was convinced. People told me over and over that I had not lost my salvation, but my feelings felt so real. God has healed me and revealed to me areas of my life where I was hurt amd hardened because of that hurt. Things I had no idea had hurt me, surfaced and God would reach into that place and I would cry from his comfort and love touching those places in me. I began to notice myself softening toward others and able to begin to walk in his ways out of love and wanting to be closer and closer to God, as I received more and more healing. We Love Him because He first Loved us. Its his love that changes us, heals us, lives in us and finishes the work he began in us until the day of Christ Jesus. Being born again means you have been born into the family of God through Jesus Christ. He says we start as infants learning about him and mature as he does his work in us. You were and are saved. Having heart knowledge is what we learn as we grow in him and learn who he is through his word and havimg your own relationship with him. When you mentioned your frustration not wanting to actively walk in faith after God letting you know He wanted you to do this. That frustration shows that there is something God needs to help you with. I have been through this too. I had to ask him to help me not feel like I couldnt stand church, watching television evangelist and other Christian television shows. He would bring up memories and feelings associated with abusive, hurtful, spiritual experiences. as he healed these hurtful associations with God and the church, I am now beginning to receive basic teachings through a pastor I feel God brought to my path and I am slowly starting to develop my own relationship with Jesus. My own, not what anyone else tells me, except who God has brought into my life to help me grown in the knowledge of his love, his charachter, who he truly is...love. Not the God whom well meaning, yet misdirected, hurtful, and hurt as well Christians. I am sorry for any typos in my replies. I use my phone with a virtual keyboard and editing tool that is difficult to use. That is why my first reply to you ended so strange. I couldnt get to the end of it to change my mistakes. Please know if you are frustrated because you dont feel like you want to draw near to God, esp to a point where you experiemce the condemning feelings you feel, there is something that God needs to help heal you of or deliver you from that holds you so strongly to the comfort of your old activities. Ive had addictive areas and things and people that made me feel better in empty areas inside my soul. I didnt want God when I felt better from these other things, but I wanted to want God. I told him I felt angry when I felt I needed to read the Bible or pray because it was hard to let go of the things that made me feel better. I called them bandaids. When I talked with God about these things, I asked him to heal the places in me that needed these things and people, usually their approval or to like me, and to make me whole and be able to love him with my heart, sould, mind and strength.. God would touch those places and heal them to where I didnt need these things like I did. Less and less I desired and needed these things. Some areas take less time to be healed and others more of a process. But ome thing is true, he will heal, deliver, change you whereever you need if you ask him. I feel God was wanting you to learn more of him and walk more closely with him in his ways out of his love and guidance for you so to bless you as you grow in him by his work in you. He's there with you, even if it doesnt feel like it. My prayers are with youu

Hi Jobrand,Im sorry you are going through so much fear and suffering. I read your story, and it is different from mine in that I thought I had spoken a word against the Holy Spirit when I was watching a television show where someone was slain in the Spirit and speaking in tongues. When I saw that, a thought of a curse word toward the Holy Spirit. moments after that thought, I remembered a sc<x>ripture about speaking against the Holy Spirit being unforgivable. My mind snapped and I thought the Holy Spirit left. I was in horrible shape. As I mentioned in my response to Desire Faith, when God touched me after I received an emotional healing regarding something the man in my life told me, it was shortly after that that the Lord touched me and I began to cry from relief. Since then, I sought counseling at the Church I attended and eventually God seemed to bring the right ppl and person to counsel with where I could continue to receive more emotional healing and assurance that I had not lost my salvation. The emotional healing was from my upbringing. I had trauma,from abuse that caused me panic attacks and anger, insecurity and fear in my life. I have realized over the years going through this healing process that the pain in our own lives, our inner woundedness, mental and emotional or whatever way we learn to think growing up can completely make us feel separated from God when He in fact He is very near. You always have an opportunity to ask forgiveness for any sin. when I read what you wrote about what you had done the night before you woke up and felt completely different like God wasnt there, it made sense.You were frustrated, drank, amd went to sleep. You decided to harden yourself, you were frustrated for a long time, and you had been drinking. The next morning, I can see how you could wake up feeling more hardened and unrepentant than ever realizing when you first woke up, after going to sleep in the fr<x>ame of mind you were in, especially after drinking. It seems to me that your mind told itself God left and your emotions followed. That's what happened to me. I also want to encourage you that when you receive the truth that Jesus died for sins and accept his gift of salvation and repenting, you are saved. Nothing can take God's love away from you. You struggled with continuing to get to know Jesus and walk in His ways, and keep a relationship with Him. if we sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus. He says Mever will I leave you nor forsake you. The Lord knows your feelings of apathy and feeling you're a bad person. The thing is, is that He is there for tou to tell Him all of these feelimgs you have. He says pour your heart out to me. You dont have to deal with your frustration alone. You can bring it to Him. Tell Him everything from your shallow to deep feelings and He will help you. Also, just so you know, the sc<x>ripture about those who walk away after knowing the truth cannot be brought back to repentance is actually giving an understamding of apostasy and how, if you dont want Jesus knowing who He is there is no other way to be saved, not because the Lord doesnt draw you to repentance, but that those who dont want Him cant repent because there is noone else whom they can repent and turn to ezcept Jesus. If you want Jesus, He wants you. It sounds like you are battling your own emotional issues, view of Jesus, seeing sc<x>ripture through a lens of fear amd rejection. I would like to encourage you to seek counseling, and to tell God your feelings, just like you wrote to us on this website. He is a very present help in trouble. Even if you feel like God is not there, He is. It's only those who dont want Jesus and continue not to want Him at all, meaning they dont want salvation, ever who cant be saved because they choose not to receive His gift of forgiveness. just because you sinned after receiving Jesus, you still wanted Him, amd you still do. Until that last day, everyone has the opportunity to accept His gift of forgivemess. You were sealed by the Holy Spirit when you received Kesus's free gift. Its never too late to turn to him for help and forgiveness. whatever we might feel is true. God says if our heart condemms us, He is still there. I hope this is helpful amd makes sense. Many people have experienced horrible experiences they thought was from God leaving amd have received help they need to restore their joy. Each person's experience differ in intensity and length of time needed to heal and let God do His perfect work in them, and He will do the same for you. He loves you. He really loves you. I will pray for you.tttthat that the Lord

THERE IS HOPE: I've been exactly where you are. I was saved, completely spirit filled, baptized in the spirit, felt heavy conviction for every sin, and had an awesome intimacy with the Lord. Then the enemy put a random thought in my head one day and made me think i had blasphemed the Spirit. It caused me to eventually fall away for 6 months. During this 6 months I literally tried to even push God away by living in a life of sin again like my old self. One thing was different though, I didn't enjoy it. No sin was fun or pleasing to me and it just brought upon more and more of a sickening emptiness inside of me every day. I lost all conviction, all intimacy with Christ, everything, and was just left with emptiness. The reason i didn't like sin though was because that part of me had literally died, and i have been born again. I remember coming to this site and others trying to find hope, and finding usually only more heartache as i saw the people on this site telling their stories. I was angry at God for "abandoning" me and grew even more bitterness in my heart, which little did i know was causing just more distance between me and Him. There were so many days that i literally wanted to die.. Long story short, the first step with me was praying for help. Everyday with feeling no real advancement in my efforts i would pray for Jesus to help me. Help me to forgive others and for Him to forgive me, and to help me find Him again. Pray with faith for God to help you, knowing that He will. The next step was to forgive people that had hurt me and praying for all of the bitterness to leave my heart. As soon as i forgave someone that i had harbored bitterness in my heart about i felt my eyes become brighter and knew that familiar feeling from the spirit. It has been a month since then and i have been growing in intimacy with Christ more and more every day. It's been tough though.. at first i felt no difference but i kept praying with faith and His spirit fills me more with His love and peace every time. What you have to understand about Hebrews 6 is that it's hypothetical. It's not possible for a true convert to completely fall away (even if they tried to like I did). If you're a true convert then you have been born again and the old you has literally died. If you have felt a sickening emptiness, it's extreme hunger and thirst for Christ and His Spirit. His Spirit has made a covenant to never leave us, and He is with you. There is hope and there always will be, so please seek Him diligently with faith and i guarantee you will find Him again.

I've tried reading the Bible for maybe a little over a year in my backslidden state (although I guess I wasn't doing it with all my heart and all my soul), and I got nothing to show for it. I must be doing something wrong: Any tips or advice on how to Seek God when someone is in the position you were in?

I feel your despair, all I can offer is prayer and advise you to read my posts.

I believe you are referencing John 1: 16, but what do you mean about being "saved twice by grace". What version and verse of the Bible are you reading? Different versions of the Bible phrase verses differently.

The original New testament would have been written in Greek. The Young's Literal translation is an exact word for word translation of that verse.

For Example:

English Standard Version
And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.

New International Version
From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.

King James 2000 Bible
And of his fullness have all we received, and grace for grace

Young's Literal Translation
and out of his fullness did we all receive, and grace over-against grace

See this web site for more translations

What i mean is that God literally revealed that to me in quite an amazing way. It is grace upon grace quite literally. Its not just saying that there's alot of grace (which is true). In another part of the NT it says he lavished grace on us. This is what most people think that grace upon grace means. But the later is actually more specific and has a very special meaning. I could understand it then but cant now unfortunately, i can only remeber that that was in fact revealed to me.

So when i say i realised that we are saved twice by grace it was a revelation from God in my own language. The i read the bible a day or two later about grace upon grace and the connection was obvious. Every experience should be consistent with the bible, but even more so, it should be confirmed by the bible. All of the experiences i recieved from God were not just feelings, while they were accompanied by feelings, they were primarily revelations about who God is that matched the bible incredibly.

Well for me one either believes Jesus and trusts in His Atonement for their salvation or they don't.

All Praise The Ancient Of Days

Do you believe That salvation is through believing Jesus and trusting in His atonement for your sins? If you do believe this then you are saved. The search for and experiance of some "Experiance" is not what saves people.

Believing and trusting in the Way that God has provided all sinners to be Redeemed IS what saves you.

All Praise The Ancient Of Days

Amen Brother!

I agree and disagree. Faith is given from God. There is a type of belief that is not a miracle and not from God( hence jesus says " its a miracle that you believe in me" and paul says " unless you believed in vain") and the type that many real christians have that iss from God. I used to have a saving faith that came from the heart ( hence paul teaching to believe in your heart) but now i merely have an intellectual assent. Paul even says at one point that he has to labor until christ is formed in the galations. So that belief might take time to develop into a miracle.

" its a miracle that you believe in me" Where did Jesus say that? I am curious to know.

Christ is formed in us when we believe and in the end the full forming happens at the resurrection to those that believe.