God Knew What I'D Do.

I got saved in '92. I didn't attend church each sunday for the first year. In '93 i ran into a street minister who ended up baptising me, he prophsied lotta things to me before i left to another city. He kept talking sort of in riddles. I invited Dan to a house church and after the service he got talking to the pastor on various subjects. God refreshd my memory in the last few weeks what one topic was about. Dan asked me what i thought while they were discussing Hebrews 6:4-6. He asked me if i believed a Christian could lose their salvation.I said i didn't know. Iwas only 1 year old in the Lord. It was deep theology. I would run into Dan and Ann( his gf) here and there. One of the last things he said to me. He had the gift of prophesy and speaking in tongues. He told me that when i would see him again i would see that he would be married. He never fully explained. I was intimidated by him and didn't ask. I only knew him for about 3 months. He emphasized repentance. I just couldn't shake snappin it.....At the end of January this year. A friend suggested that we go and eat at a buffet. I don't usually like to pack away food like that, but he insisted. So i went. I needed it cuz for the next 3 or 4 days of Feb this month, i didn't feel like eating. Hebrews 6 resurrfaced and i wondered if that applied to me. I could sleep,for a good 48 hrs i didn't sleep no more than a few hours. and shaking uncontrollably. I looked online to see what others said about Heb 6 and Heb 10:26. I never spoke in tongues so,i couldnt tell if the Holy Spirit left me. For the first 3 or 4 days of this month my mind was recalling things said by Dan and other situations other christians said about repentance. In '95 i hoasted a big sign in the air that read " Repent" on one side and the other said. " Jesus is coming soon." hundred of people saw our group of christians in this busy downtown evening market and the sign i carried. I was a walking hypocrite. Now no minister or pastor understands me. They tell me "once saved, always saved" or don't place a person's word above God's. I used to be active in evangelizing. I reached some 15 people for the Lord. But i had one f***** weakness that i couldnt shake. Now what the hell to do? i have no ambition anymore. I had thought of joining the Jehovah's Witnesses. But i won't try to make converts....
God knew what id do.
mountain35 mountain35 41-45 4 Responses Feb 20, 2013

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i remember Daniel telling me these things like it was yesterday. On a day i ran into him he told me that he and his girlfriend went to the beach, but signs were posted that said," No camp fires" but he told me that they collected together some firewoood and had a camp fire going. They had a great time. Then dan said to me. It's ok to break man-made laws, but NEVER break God's laws.
Why ddn't i learn? Even the day i was baptised by them, Anne wrote in the sand with a stick " 2 Corinthians 7:1" i had no idea why she wrote it, i didn't know what it meant,but it was for me.
Another time we were walking the street and suddenly Dan asked me what issue i was dealing with? i was wanting to tell him, but how to u tell someone u **** off? addicted to sex? And i so he said, if u can't tell me, then ask God to reveal it to me. U know all this is absolutely true. So i got into prayer n said that. It wasnt long after that i got the urge to act out. And the bedroom curtains were drawn, i had a rental room on the main floor, back side of the house overlooking the back yard. And i tot, no one's going to look, and so i began to snap it, and i felt my hand guided to shield me, cuz at that moment a face briefly looked thru the window. It was Daniel! My God. I stopped and answered the door. He asked me how i was doing. I said not good. Then he said, u wanna sit down and talk about it. So, for a minute or two he said what's wrong.And i coulnt say it. I couldn't say i had a problem with ************. And he said. " i can't stay,i have to get going." So, he left. I realize now i think that had i was able to explain, i would not be living this nightmare. He'd likely have prayed over me. U know he was annointed of God. He told me that he had a problem with drinking before God told him to come and follow him. And told me that he couldn't sin. I tell others what Dan said, that he couldn't sin. and red flags come up. And i say, NO, no, he wasn't claiming to be some sort of God where he couldn't sin. Darn it, at the time i did'n't understand exactly what he was saying.
I had this unsatisfied desire to understand the bible entirely. So, i read books by christian authors one after the other. And listened to the bible on audio tape. Over n over. N.I.V. dramatized tapes. Others condemn N.I.V. but i prefered that type of english, but, King James is likely best for correctness...
I used to be so active in sharing the gospel. I even sent tracts thru the mail to addresses i'd get online...Now, i sit out for ever. My father had the old views that u had to have a job first, then u could get the girl. I had no clue what job suited me. going thru one job after another. And with the addiction, it made me feel awful. I had to get sobriety 2 Tim 2:22, Titus 2:6. " encourage the young men to be self-controlled." I feel like im a warning to all. It sucks to be me. I hope as everyone else to have a sliver of hope.but. What can be done. We all have our own stories of woe on how we got into repetiive sin. My own family was not helpful. Who wants to hear my tales of family abuse? We've all gone thru stuff. But, now the door is closed.
What i find hard to understand is that i was 1 year IN Christ when i met Daniel and knew him roughly 3-4 months when he said these things. " When u see me again, you'll see that i'll be married." Married where? Bride of Christ, will marry? i will see? Matthew 25 says it.
I have kept thinking of some of the things Daniel said to me when i met him on the streets in 1993.One day i was with Dan and his girlfriend Anne and he told me that she had a gift that some guys from her workplace were trying to take advantage of. I didn't ask him what gift that was. I thought she was just generous and people were taking advantage of her money? But that day i was with them, I tried to gain her affection and she began to show me her compassion, when Daniel suddenly said to Anne, " NO, no, Anne!" We were at an east side beach and I just left the 2 of them alone and walked the length of the sandy beach myself. It was a long way to walk, but over the years i'v tried to understand what gift she had? But now i think she had the gift of celibacy of a virgin. Did i have it in my heart to try and seduce Dan's girlfriend? Wow! why would i do that? Jeremiah 17:9.
I dunno why God had me run into him. Maybe cuz i wasn't under the headship of a home church. Just a vagabond. Daniel quoted me a scripture that i didn't know was in the bible till later, i flipped thru the bible and read Matthew 10:30. I lost a good deal of my hair, it's all related to my sins. Im sure of it. Others have said, No,it's hereditary, it's from ur mom's side whereu get hair loss from. Not in my case.
Andi just have no idea if i was to be damned from the beginning?

A person becomes a Christian when they believe Jesus and trust in His Atonement for their sins. They do not have to prophesy or talk in tongues. Also OSAS is no biblical. While it is true no outside entity can cause one to lose their salvation. A saved person can themselves discard their own salvation by disbelieving Jesus and not trusting in His Atonement for their sins.

I don't feel anymore conviction from the Holy Spirit when i look at *****. Back in '93 when i would run into Daniel one night he asked me if i wanted to go to a church service. Im pretty sure they were a baptist church. before the service began he praised Jesus with both hands raised while we sat on the chairs. One church member saw Dan doing this and said. " Sir, if ur going to keep doing that, we're going to have to ask you to leave." My guess is why he was led there to do that was that the current church i sometimes go to is a baptist church. And they believe in " once saved, always saved" which is a calvinist teaching. I havn't fully repented for the last 15 years. i was clean for a year and a half in '97-'98. I have heard the voice of the Lord speak to me audibly while i was in bible course at a church. No one wants to lose. But i didn't obey. One of my former pastors laid hands on me about 5 years ago and he would place his one had on your belly and the other where ever u needed healing, when he laid his hand there on the stomach which is where the Holy Spirit resides, he felt nothing.because he looked at me in surprise. He never said anything to me about it,but that's gotta be what it was. My downfall was *****. I dunno if ihave any hope.What Daniel said to me 20 years ago was that the next time i'd see him, i'd see that he would be married. I don't live in the same city where i met this guy. So, what are the chances i'd run into him again and see him married? Im sure he was talking about the marriage in heaven,the goats will be there next to the sheep, Jesus will " marry" his bride before he gives orders to the goats.

**** got me killed too. Part of why I rebelled for the final time was partly to wear it out and if that failed, hopefully God would get so angry with me that He would strike me physically dead. A suicide attempt. Well, I succeeded in my suicide attempt, only it was spiritual. Also, instead of sinning until I grew tired of it, I only became more perverse and hardened. No matter how much I took in, it was never enough. I understand how you feel. I had a pastor lay hands on me in an attempted deliverance service and he was dumbfounded. "Why isn't it working? Why isn't the Lord helping this man?". I already knew why: "There is sin leading to death. I do not say that you should pray about that". I knew that His Spirit was no longer striving with me but I was desperate for hope. Oh, well. I gambled and lost everything.

What is it that you did that makes you think you are cut off? I'll mention something that I have mentioned to others. Back in '02, I saw a testimony of a man on a Christian program who had been a homosexual before he was saved. He served the Lord for a while, but he went back into sin and to homosexuality. One day as he was driving, Jesus suddenly spoke to him in a stern manner. He asked the man, "Why are you continuing in sin and homosexuality after I have delivered you from it? You are deliberately defying My Word and when you sin in such a way, you are recrucifying Me. Repent and turn back to Me now! I won't ask you again!" When I heard this testimony, it immediately reminded me of Hebrews 6:4-8 as well as other warnings throughout scripture. There is sin unto death, falling short of the grace of God, etc. All I can tell you, is that if you still feel the pull of the Holy Spirit on your heart, you can still be saved. Another thing, God DOES NOT EVER abandon ANY of His children for any reason other than disobedience.