If Anyone Could Lose Their Salvation, I Did :(
I used to be a Christian - I got saved when I was 19 (now almost 29), & from the beginning I could tell that things were different; I had a new & different view of the world. My conscience was moved, my heart was changed, & I loved all the things of God. My sole purpose in life was to serve the Lord Jesus, & spread His glorious Gospel - & that I did. I was living consistently in the Spirit for about 3 years; there were evidences of a genuinely changed life.
But then, slowly I began to drift away from God. It started with little things, that I could hardly even notice. God was still working on me though, because even though I would fall, I would come crawling back to God & He would draw me back to Himself & restore me. This pattern became the story of my life for the next 2 years or so - I would walk closely with the Lord, then fall, then come in tears to God to help me change & stay changed...then do it all over again I don't know how many times.
Over time, things only got worse; I never got complete victory over my *********** addiction, & that problem got bigger & bigger. Before long, I lost all interest in church, the bible, & hanging out with Christian friends. I despised all of it. I said to myself: "screw it, I don't believe any of it anymore, none of this ever happened". When people asked me why I was suddenly so different I said that I don't believe anymore. I began to casually study evolution, & although I didn't [and don't] believe it, it was the only thing left. I flatly denied God.
Then, 1 day, about 5 years ago the worst thing that could happen happened - I blasphemed the Holy Spirit; I committed the unpardonable sin. I was sitting at home, alone, & for no reason whatsoever I began to yell out at God the father, the Lord Jesus & the Holy Spirit.I called him all the obscenities (directed at all 3 parts of the Godhead) in the book & than some, I went on to accuse Jesus, His resurrection & the Holy Spirit being of the Devil. I told God to leave me & never come back, no matter how much I begged Him to. I yelled that I was a child of the devil, & a host of other things that I don't remember nor want to remember At the time I wasn't aware that a sin such as this existed - that there is a sin that God, through Jesus Christ will not forgive. I was just really, really, REALLY mad! (don't ask me why - there is no rational reason for anyone to do anything remotely close to this). I remember meaning it though Afterwards, I realized this wasn't a good idea. I asked God to forgive. A few days later, I thought the words "blasphemy of the Holy Spirit" - & not knowing what it meant, I looked it up. You can't possibly begin to imagine my terror when I read that verse; to know that there is a sin God won't forgive is indescribable. I talked to everyone could about this; & all I was told that I was not beyond hope. However, I don't feel God, by His Spirit moving within me; I don't feel led or guided anymore. When I first became a believer I had a peace that I have never known before; I had a sense of purpose, & wanted to shout from the rooftops what God had done for me. I couldn't contain myself. I had a love for all the things of the Lord. Now, 5 years later after that terrible day I still can't get over this & move on. I have an unimaginable fear of death, worse than before I was a believer. I tried going to church, praying fervently, & reading my bible - nothing is helping. I'm not someone who puts much stock in visions, but 5 years ago when this all started I was in church & received my 1 & only vision. I was standing before what I perceived to be God (a blinding light), & feeling very scared; then, suddenly I was set aflame. I read any & all interpretations of the passages concerning the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. I read that it could only be committed during the time of Jesus, or that it is a total rejection of the Lord Jesus. But nevertheless I keep on coming back to the fact that God will not forgive me; because all sins are forgivable, except what I have done. I tried reading all the promises of the Word, including 1John 1:9 - but am afraid that no promise of the bible applies to me anymore - because I have done the 1 thing God will not forgive. 1John 1:9 says: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. Mark 3:28-29 reads: "I tell you the truth, all (same word as 1John 1:9) the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them. 29But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin." So it appears that there is an exception to 1John 1:9 . By definition, I have spoken against the Holy Spirit. It's also no secret that I have lived in willful sin, after knowing the truth. Furthermore, after spending so much time away from the Lord & filling my mind with worldly philosophies, I not only doubt God's forgiveness, but I doubt the very existence of God. I know that seems contradictory - & and in fact it is; how can I be afraid of someone & something I don't seem to believe in???.... And yet, the rational side of me thinks God does in fact exists. When I first became a believer, I felt different. I felt Galatians 5:22 flowing out of me. My faith was so strong! - no argument could shake me; it all went in 1 ear & out the other. Now the story is the exact opposite. I pray that God remove the doubt & unbelief, but nothing is happening. I also pray that He grant me another vision or dream to set the record straight, but nothing is happening. How often I pray: "Lord, I fear I committed a very specific sin. that is impossible for me to biblically interpret - I need a very specific, divine answer from You". I just fear that God is thinking: "no, sorry, you had your chance - now all you can expect is a fearful expectation of a fiery judgment". Hebrews 6:4-6 speaks of it being impossible to be renewed to repentance once you fall away. Lastly, scripture calls the Holy Spirit the comforter & counselor - but I don't feel that all. Furthermore I can't remember scripture at all anymore. I don't know how many more times I can pray to God to grant me repentance & faith. He is NOT imaginary - I wish that thought would leave my mind! I don't want to remain in Doubt & unbelief However, all this is making me think that the Spirit has left me - after all, it is He who enables a person to believe Esau was not forgiven either. I desire to repent, but there is no conviction. In my mind, conviction is not "feeling bad", it's having a broken & contrite heart. It is to be moved by the Spirit to come to God seeking forgiveness. None of that is happening to me though; there is no conviction; I can look at **** fr example & although I know its wrong, I don't feel bad about it. I'm afraid my conscience has been seared. Repentance, forgiveness & salvation is a thing of God, not man; I can't just say "I'm sorry, Lord" & go on like nothing ever happened [at the same time doubting (but not wanting to) that God is even there]. I wish He would move within my spirit just 1 more time to draw me to repentance. :(