Post

If Anyone Could Lose Their Salvation, I Did :(

I used to be a Christian - I got saved when I was 19 (now almost 29), & from the beginning I could tell that things were different; I had a new & different view of the world.  My conscience was moved, my heart was changed, & I loved all the things of God.  My sole purpose in life was to serve the Lord Jesus, & spread His glorious Gospel - & that I did.  I was living consistently in the Spirit for about 3 years; there were evidences of a genuinely changed life.

But then, slowly I began to drift away from God.  It started with little things, that I could hardly even notice.  God was still working on me though, because even though I would fall, I would come crawling back to God & He would draw me back to Himself & restore me.  This pattern became the story of my life for the next 2 years or so - I would walk closely with the Lord, then fall, then come in tears to God to help me change & stay changed...then do it all over again I don't know how many times.

Over time, things only got worse; I never got complete victory over my *********** addiction, & that problem got bigger & bigger.  Before long, I lost all interest in church, the bible, & hanging out with Christian friends.  I despised all of it.   I said to myself: "screw it, I don't believe any of it anymore, none of this ever happened".  When people asked me why I was suddenly so different I said that I don't believe anymore.  I began to casually study evolution, & although I didn't [and don't] believe it, it was the only thing left.  I flatly denied God.

Then, 1 day, about 5 years ago the worst thing that could happen happened - I blasphemed the Holy Spirit; I committed the unpardonable sin.  I was sitting at home, alone, & for no reason whatsoever I began to yell out at God the father, the Lord Jesus & the Holy Spirit. 

I called him all the obscenities (directed at all 3 parts of the Godhead) in the book & than some, I went on to accuse Jesus, His resurrection & the Holy Spirit being of the Devil.  I told God to leave me & never come back, no matter how much I begged Him to.  I yelled that I was a child of the devil, & a host of other things that I don't remember nor want to remember  At the time I wasn't aware that a sin such as this existed - that there is a sin that God, through Jesus Christ will not forgive.  I was just really, really, REALLY mad! (don't ask me why - there is no rational reason for anyone to do anything remotely close to this).  I remember meaning it though  Afterwards, I realized this wasn't a good idea.  I asked God to forgive.  A few days later, I thought the words "blasphemy of the Holy Spirit" - & not knowing what it meant, I looked it up.  You can't possibly begin to imagine my terror when I read that verse; to know that there is a sin God won't forgive is indescribable. I talked to everyone could about this; & all I was told that I was not beyond hope.  However, I don't feel God, by His Spirit moving within me; I don't feel led or guided anymore.  When I first became a believer I had a peace that I have never known before; I had a sense of purpose, & wanted to shout from the rooftops what God had done for me.  I couldn't contain myself.  I had a love for all the things of the Lord.  Now, 5 years later after that terrible day I still can't get over this & move on.  I have an unimaginable fear of death, worse than before I was a believer.  I tried going to church, praying fervently, & reading my bible - nothing is helping.  I'm not someone who puts much stock in visions, but 5 years ago when this all started I was in church & received my 1 & only vision.  I was standing before what I perceived to be God (a blinding light), & feeling very scared; then, suddenly I was set aflame. I read any & all interpretations of the passages concerning the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.  I read that it could only be committed during the time of Jesus, or that it is a total rejection of the Lord Jesus.  But nevertheless I keep on coming back to the fact that God will not forgive me; because all sins are forgivable, except  what I have done.  I tried reading all the promises of the Word, including 1John 1:9 - but am afraid that no promise of the bible applies to me anymore - because I have done the 1 thing God will not forgive.  1John 1:9 says: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  Mark 3:28-29 reads: "I tell you the truth, all (same word as 1John 1:9) the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them. 29But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin."  So it appears that there is an exception to 1John 1:9 .  By definition, I have spoken against the Holy Spirit.  It's also no secret that I have lived in willful sin, after knowing the truth.  Furthermore, after spending so much time away from the Lord & filling my mind with worldly philosophies, I not only doubt God's forgiveness, but I doubt the very existence of God.  I know that seems contradictory - & and in fact it is; how can I be afraid of someone & something I don't seem to believe in???....  And yet, the rational side of me thinks God does in fact exists.  When I first became a believer, I felt different.  I felt  Galatians 5:22 flowing out of me.  My faith was so strong! - no argument could shake me; it all went in 1 ear & out the other.  Now the story is the exact opposite.  I pray that God remove the doubt & unbelief, but nothing is happening.  I also pray that He grant me another vision or dream to set the record straight, but nothing is happening.  How often I pray: "Lord, I fear I committed a very specific sin. that is impossible for me to biblically interpret - I need a very specific, divine answer from You".  I just fear that God is thinking: "no, sorry, you had your chance - now all you can expect is a fearful expectation of a fiery judgment".  Hebrews 6:4-6 speaks of it being impossible to be renewed to repentance once you fall away.  Lastly, scripture calls the Holy Spirit the comforter & counselor - but I don't feel that all.  Furthermore I can't remember scripture at all anymore.  I don't know how many more times I can pray to God to grant me repentance & faith.  He is NOT imaginary - I wish that thought would leave my mind!  I don't want to remain in Doubt & unbelief However, all this is making me think that the Spirit has left me - after all, it is He who enables a person to believe  Esau was not forgiven either.  I desire to repent, but there is no conviction.  In my mind, conviction is not "feeling bad", it's having a broken & contrite heart.  It is to be moved by the Spirit to come to God seeking forgiveness.  None of that is happening to me though; there is no conviction; I can look at **** fr example & although I know its wrong, I don't feel bad about it.  I'm afraid my conscience has been seared.  Repentance, forgiveness & salvation is a thing of God, not man; I can't just say "I'm sorry, Lord" & go on like nothing ever happened [at the same time doubting (but not wanting to) that God is even there].  I wish He would move within my spirit just 1 more time to draw me to repentance. :(
DesireFaith DesireFaith 26-30 64 Responses Jan 13, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

Add a response...

I know this is an old thread , but I feel I must post here as this has really touched me, if you get to see my reply please go on youtube and type in 'once saved always saved' you need to listen to this . Just listen and then see how you feel afterwards, take care

When I was thirteen or so I made a pact with the devil, then later said a horrible thing the ugliest thing you can say, I won't even partially write it to Jesus. My mother said "You are not my child, you are the seed of the devil" I felt immediately that I had said something that would damn me, however, I put it out of mind for many years and was seeking God but never finding him. Then, when I was 21 Jesus walked into my art studio and was witnessed by a Jesus friend. He wanted to come and sup with me but I would not give him the apple in my backpack. I chose my artist idols over him and my friend sent him away. God made me forget this for about twenty years. Meanwhile, I progressed or regressed I should say into many different religions ending up with a mix of Buddhism and Native American spirituality..Then one day I remembered Jesus in the studio but he was so distant now, I didn't think of Him as the son of God and savior and had never understood the sacrifice anyway. I was deeply into New Age spirituality and tarot card divination. Then another decade or two went by and I pretty much forgot the visitation. He was in a white robe and sandals but He was disheveled with a dirty robe. This was in what appeared a flesh real as you and me body looking like a human but with massive muscular calves. He was dirty He told me later because He was willing to come into my mess and He was dirty He told me because my sins and sins to come were upon Him and as long as I did not accept Him He would wear them for me. So three years ago I was nearly dead from chemo and I prayed to "God, Buddha, creator, universal life force, all the saints (I am not Catholic), avatars, and Boddhisattva, Grandfather and Jesus" at the end of the list (Thou shalt have no other Gods before me). I prayed to go home I was so tired from fighting Hepatitis C for so many years and truly nearly dead, unable to stand up and breathe at the same time from the treatment and prayed to go to the next world, thinking in my deluded mind that I would be a Boddhisattva and go through the seven layers of the afterworld (which Jesus later revealed to me are the "seven" levels of hell) and that I could save no one as a Boddhisattva and needed saving myself. I didn't know how who asking me but He said I could go if I wanted to. I thought about it and said not until my father dies because I couldn't bear him crying at 88 as I recalled him crying over his mother's death....although I was so tired so Jesus brought me back.....I didn't know who was talking to me but as I literally was up for days and could not sleep I had very real converstations, Him helping me draw crazy detailed comics which was supposed to be a no man's land between Canada and the US and much to my surprise turned out to be me in the tri bulation running in the wrong direction to the devil and Hell with Jesus up in the sky and someone hanging onto a cross in the sky and the no man's land was the smoke of hell with time running out (a clock running out of the picture). Wow!!!!! Still, I was so dense I didn't really know what was going on and was still thinking of being that bodhisattva after death who would go down into hell to liberate others. At the same time the devil was talking to me and I could not discern who was who and thought I was communicating telepathically with a musician I liked who was literally from the devil but I didn't know it......THe devil told me to change the words of the Lord's prayer to praise him and the 23rd psalm, I had to look them up to remember. I even did so, thinking I was writing telepathically to the musician but thought, wait, it doesn't work. I can't change it, I mean it just didn't work but somehow I did.......So then I really was dead, living in my house alone and Jesus showed me where I was going. For the next ten days, I was literally left behind in the tribulation which was literally hell. All kinds of evil spirits invaded my house, spoke things on tv to me and sent me a cd from the musician which was straight from hell, changing I literally was in the outer darkness, a hell in which I would rot and never see another person again. I went around calling for where is Jesus, where is Jesus, but He was nowhere to be found. I literally went to hell though I was experiencing it all here on earth in earthly doings out in the world, He transposed the reality of hell on it for me. I forgot to say that when I was dying and wanting to go home I called to the universal life force and all those gods that my life meant nothing because I did not have love and no one loved me and though I loved many or thought, I heard "Who loves me" when I asked "Who do I love?".....then I was literally in an ambulance literally with a banshee spirit that had ridden in a car with me thirty years ago, the same one, here in the doings of this world and it was terrifying beyond words and I knew I was damned forever and on my way to hell and there was no stopping it and the world was devoid of light. Then I was at the hospital and the doctor told me the blue and red coloring on my body turning stiff was things that people experienced after death and later no one knew the doctor there that I described. Oh, so much I could tell you, I saw a terrible fallen angel sitting right in the waiting room with no soul, no eyes, just blackness, an ancestral spirit that had haunted my family with face changing into my mothers and my sisters...........then I was in the ER with horrible men in beds, one chained down, yelling obscenities and "*****", I knew meant me and I knew it was just a matter of time before all left and I would be violated forever....they did leave, an evil spirit breathed down my neck, the beings inbetween this world and the next hell at the waiting room of hell came back......it was just a matter of time, they would not allow me a drink of water, the next day I was so dehydrated they couldn't find a vein to draw blood...............Hell, hell, hell in a handbag.........and horror of horrors, a man named Jesus (Hesus in spanish) was the overseer and truly a devil in red and black. They told me they were decontaminating all the canvases I painted as they were unholy things. I wanted to go and get decontaminated, they wouldn't let me, it wouldn't work anyway...........I prayed what little I could remember of the Lord's prayer, "Yeah though I walk through the valley of death I shall fear no evil" but the Lord was not with me! It was too late! I prayed Jesus, I will never stop praying to you even though I am condemned to hell, please just don't leave forever, if you will just come visit from time to time, don't withdraw your spirit forever and then a minister came and told me I was given a second chance as a nurse later said the same words.............and I did come back but was in the hospital being rehabilitated to earth.........Now, months after that I was in such terror, I felt any moment everyone would leave the earth in the rapture and I would be left behind, that I would never be forgiven for the horrible words I said and then horror of horrors, thirty years later I kept saying Jesus with that word as his middle name Christ when I was angry......after all those years and forgot to say about fifteen years after I first said that word about Him I went to the bottom and that was at the bottom of the darkness of my soul that I was damned, could never be forgiven for those words and the pact with the devil and rejecting Jesus in the flesh and the way He looked at me.......and months after that I still didn't think I was forgiven, the devil still supernaturally condemned me, once though a tv evangelist fundraiser saying "There is someone staring me down. (I was looking over the top of my glasses). You are evil. God is going to destroy you!" Yes, actually said that! Many supernatural communications, just like God talking to me but God also talked to me through another one saying "God is going to turn to you and write His name on you" while the evangelist was crying and saying "May you have some peace". I felt this meant, I was lost, He was going to write those horrible words on me and the man feeling compassion, said, may you have some peace" but I was damned, yes, I was damned. I was brought back just to live out my life and then go to Hell by what I thought was a cruel mocking God but I knew I deserved every bit of it, I was so vile....and you know I am still vile and there is still hate in me...........but I live 24 hours a day thinking of God and asking Him to purify my heart which I hate my horrible human heart..............but you know, after months of crying upon the floor and saying I am not forgiven, a TV evangelist prophesied "There is a woman in the audience wondering if there is healing for you and I want to tell you, yes there is, the angels are coming to minister to you tonight." I knew that was for me. The last thing I did before I went to bed was to shake out a rug inside my kitchen caked with mud from the horse stable, it was still caked with mud, me thinking I will have to hose it in the morning, thinking, I'm dirty inside and out, my house is dirty, the rug is dirty (the aftermath of chemo, I was still very ill and couldn't clean) and went to bed, living alone behind locked gates with an alarm system, the dirty rug inside my kitchen. In the morning, I got up, went to the kitchen The RUG WAS BRAND NEW, PERFECTLY CLEANED WITH A BIG LABEL FROM WALMART STUCK ON IT SAYING MAINSTAY! (brand). Now, God had the angels do this to show me I was cleaned and washed with the blood of Jesus and He was my mainstay and would never leave. He did this because I was so distraught and He wanted to show me I was forgiven. Still, I shivered, the devil told me that what it really meant was I was just a door mat and to be trodden underfoot or a cruel joke saying that's how you treated Jesus like a doormat.........and it was just a cruel joke, I wouldn't be saved, soon everyone would leave the earth and me left in emptiness and coldness forever to rot.....but He DID THIS TO SHOW ME I WAS FORGIVEN AND ACCEPTED and still I blow it, I act so entitled and hateful at times and impatient and angry and I can't get beyond my flesh but three years later, I know He has saved me..I feel that I was dead, and spiritually I surely was, but I feel I was literally physically dead and the hell police came to take me to hell, I couldn't stay on earth anymore but I cried and cried to God and I believe He turned back time, brought me back to life, having compassion and I don't know why, I was and am so vile........I still think at times I committed the unpardonable sin (yes, I know the sin of blasphemy against the son of man but not the Holy Spirit will be forgiven but it doesn't matter, I committed it and also mocked the Holy Spirit) but I am telling you He pulled me out of the fire by the skin of my teeth, I was almost lost forever, I was lost forever but the angel doctor told me that if I was still breathing, I wasn't dead (but still I know, I think you breathe in hell, the man who wrote "23 minutes in hell" said He did, so how can I know? Yes, it's true I feel the peace of God now and joy as well as sadness in life and weariness and still have sickness in my body...but I know God sent the rug which hangs on my wall which He told me would never get dirty. Pray, pray without ceasing and I pray God shows you that you are saved...........you know I was such a hardened case He had to put me in hell to pull me out.......just keep praying without ceasing, He will pull you out. If you are in this world still and I know you are you are in blessing, every good and wonderful thing in this world, the sunshine and blue skies are of God, it is just darkness without Him, I experienced it, a world as cold as ice inside the soul and outside, you are in the beautiful, imperfect world and the demons are making you doubt, they hate that you came back to God. I asked Jesus to drive them from the house, He did and they are gone from here forever but still if I think about it, I can shudder how more than close I came.............Seek Him, Love Him, He has not abandoned you, but at times He may make us think He has, to draw us to repentence and closer to Him........you would not be here still if He had abandoned you. I pray He shows you that you are accepted. If He could accept me after what I told Him, He will accept you......He spoke to me audibly on the phone and told me He could not remember the vile things I said and when I said "Dad I never talk to you" He laughed so heartily with joy, He was overwhelmed with joy, never talked to Him for thirty years and then some...........and then the phone went back to my earthly dad and he was saying "I can't understand what you are saying" in my earthly dad's voice. I felt so sad, my father in heaven wasn't on the phone anymore. He told me, my Father in heaven showed me that if my parents could still love me after I said the same things to them and I did many a time, how much more He loves me..............would you say that people have more forgiveness than God? They do not. Yes, you said those words but they were the words of demons not your spirit man.........You have the fear of God as did I, as do I..........He will forgive you. He has forgiven you. Pray without ceasing. If He can forgive me, He can and will and has forgiven you........If you have now one moment of peace, joy, or a smile in your life anywhere, you should know if God had abandoned you, you would be in a terrifying darkness............if you are in a church He is there where two are gathered together and He is with you and I pray you feel and know that. The spirit of God left Samson, but then he prayed for supernatural strength to bring the house down and God gave it to him. God came back to Him before he died. Ask Him to come back and He will, tell the demons to go in Jesus' name and they will have to leave so you can feel Him again.

Remember a lot of Christians will lose their salvation , the parable of the sower (Mat 13:18 - 23) teaches us 75% of Christians will lose their salvation and the parable of the 10 virgins (Mat 25:1-12) teaches 50% will lose their salvation. The question is why? and the answer is revealed in (1) the true gospel of Christ and (2) the 10 commandments.

(1) 99% of written gospels in the world are false: The true gospel of Christ - is the gospel the Apostles preached (Gal 1:8-9) - which is the King James Bible (and the same in any other language) : www.biblerays.com/kjv-preservation-chart.html (or Google string search"KJV Preservation Chart "). If you read and study ONLY the King James Bible - for in it is the true spirit of God and your spirit will be renewed and refreshed and the light of Christ will start to shine in your soul and the glory of God will bring forth fruit in due season and the fear of Lord will be restored in you and your faith will grow and the fear of man will vanish and you shall become strong for only the truth can MAKE you free: [KJV] Joh 8:32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

(2) You must keep the commandments of God. Study your KJV starting at the NT and mark any commands or commandments God gives and keep them and do them. Keep the 10 commandments. Don't worry about those hypocrites who pick on the fact no man cannot commit adultery in the mind - and hence not keeping one means you broken all - ask them this: what is the greatest commandment of all
[KJV]Mat 22:37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
[KJV]Mat 22:38 This is the first and great commandment.
- then ask them why they keep it and not the others, because without this commandment you cannot worship the Lord Jesus Christ. Secondly, did not King David who was under the 10 Commandments - clearly commit adultery and murder - but he never once stopped loving the Lord (keeping the first commandment) and the holy Ghost never departed from him and God knew this and chastened and beat him good and he repented and the Lord forgave him and restored him and he will be in heaven.

Remember your understanding is not God's understanding, your knowledge is not God's knowledge, your wisdom is not God's wisdom and your revelation is not God's revelation - it God who revealth by his grace the truth of the Lord Jesus Christ - our job is to obey him in faith:
[KJV] Mat 16:16 And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.
[KJV] Mat 16:17 And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven.

Those who fall away will NOT know it:
[KJV] Mat 7:22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
[KJV] Mat 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
But you are clearly AWARE that your heart is not right in the Lord - hence you salavation is still true and you do what I have said and you will be restored for God said:

Hence, you need to read the KJV - read it aloud - so you hear - for faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God. Keep the commandments.
[KJV] Rom 10:17 So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
[KJV] Rev 12:17 And the dragon was wroth with the woman, and went to make war with the remnant of her seed, which keep the commandments of God, and have the testimony of Jesus Christ.

The REAL 10 commandments video:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oxx0mSJIBq4

Are you a Christian?
Did you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and you believe that He died at Calvary and shed His own blood as sacrifice to cover all your sins from your birth till your last breath.
And the moment you accepted Christ as your Saviour that second the Holy Spirit entered your soul, heart mind and body.
The Spirit does not leave until death.
At this time your going through a battle of your spirit and the Holy Spirit and there is turmoil.
Remember, the Lord loves you the same always and is always with you.
Repent of what's bothering you ask for forgiveness and move on.
Praising and thanking Him doesn't hurt, but His speed is perfect time.
God does not change, so if you are saved get through this crapy life we live right now and I'll see you in Heaven.
cheers

I'll see you there brother.

To the original poster: in my opinion, you are indeed lost and will be going to Hell. Give up trying to change that and accept your fate and enjoy it.

What an ******* you are.

You are the one who is lost. Actually, a demon is speaking through you to say that to this poor soul. Go back to where you came from! You haven't a clue as to what hell is. LeProf is that short for Le Professor? What a proud and arrogant spirit you are. Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

This message is to anyone who feels the need to have some clarification on this subject matter please feel free to call anytime at 347-835-8072 i think i could be of assistance i have a testimony similar to this please ask for Mr.Hill

I know how you feel about never hearing a response from God like literally I feel like he won't even talk to me I went to church camp and renewed my salvation and everything but a girl that was praying over me told me that Jesus said to her to tell me that he wants me to heal people in the name of the Lord and that it was going to be a huge responsibility and I accepted it but I have still never heard Jesus speak directly to me in all of my life

The Lord does not speak directly with nobody.
He speaks to your heart or mind.
Sometimes will answer you while your in the "Word".
And sometimes through another person.
Listening is always becomes a liability for me and I miss out on much that the Spirit chooses to share with me.
When He speaks it's clear and you'll know it's Him.
Scripture says He speaks in a small quiet voice.

I get mad at my dad too, I have gone through every emotion with the Lord from deep deep love with extreme crying to volital intense anger. I suppose it's just that I want to be with Him more than I can express and it comes out in deep emotions. Some might even call all of that worship. I don't believe for one second that you lost your salvation believe me when I say this you are in the same boat as me, we want to be perfect before our Lord an Saviour and we can't and that can drive a person mad...

Being led astray as if by a possession might be what has and continue to plague you. Ask Jesus to come into your life for only He can mediate for you. That's why He came for us. Jesus has taken on your sins. Our sins. Please believe this.

This is such a tough thing to go through. Let me share with you guys my story. I have been a Christian my whole life (I'm only 26). My mother passed away from breast cancer when I was nearly 3 years old. My dad remarried a few months after. She was not the most pleasant woman; she was physically and emotionally abusive to all of us (brother, sister, and my dad). Eventually, my dad divorced her after 7 years. He didn't believe in divorce, but finally spoke with our pastor which helped him. Anyways, he remarried again about 2 years after the divorce. By that time I was 11, both my siblings were in college. To top things off, my dad received new that we were moving to São Paulo, Brazil for his business. He said it would only be for three years. Lots of change to say the least...it was so tough. My new stepmom and I didn't get alone well at the time either. I struggled in school, was terrible! One day during the first year living in brazil, I came home from school, got off the bus, walked into our apartment (no one was home). I went to my bed room and broke down sobbing. I screamed at God, yelled at him, "how could you do this? How could you take my mother? Allow abuse? Look how messed up I am! I'm not smart, no one likes me, I hate this!" I started throwing things around my room, got on my face and sobbed and said to God, "Jesus, I will do whatever you ask. Whatever you want. I am yours....please just take me home (states). Unbelievable: I felt Him. I felt so calmed, so at peace, I stopped crying, felt warm and tingly. A few months later I received news from my dad that we were moving home back to the states. One year instead of three. We moved back, I had a better life, not easy by far, but better. I went to a Christian college, married my best friend the greatest husband, second to my Jesus our ultimate hubby :). About a year ago I really started to seek The Lord and grow in Him ( I had gone through a rebellious stage, and some backsliding). Anyways, I had met with close Christian friends who were prayer warriors, and I saw in such a wonderful different light....He is so so incredibly loving my friends. I started growing a lot...it was like a mountain of joy. Weeks went by, and one night I just finished watching an old movie, my husband had already fallen asleep. I turned out the light and all of a sudden out of nowhere I had these HORRIBLE thoughts about Jesus and His Holy Spirit. Then I had a thought say, "you have just committed the unpardonable sin, you will never be forgiven, God has left you, and has turned His back on you...He won't here you". Imagine my horror and terror! I sobbed! I woke up my husband and told him to pray. I sought my close Christian friends and prayer warriors. My friends, I really truly believed that God had left me. I was so depressed; a wreck. But I didn't stop praying. The thought became obsessive...almost like obsessive compulsive. Horrible! Really don't think of a pink elephant...but you will because that is what our brains do! This lasted for a month or so. At times I thought I heard God's voice, but my peace was temporary...I kept letting Satan steal my joy. At one point i was in a conference for work and i was going through this torment and i heard a voice booming say " the Lord is with you". soon after i heard that my friend texted me with a random bible verse Exodus 14:14 be still the Lord is fighting for you. She didn't know what i was going through exactlymatnthe time i knew it was God speaking to me! Finally, one night I took my bible out and thought, Lord Jesus I am so afraid to open my bible because I feel so condemned. If there is anything in here for me please show me. I read a bit of Romans 8 closed my bible and turned out the light. I was at the point where I could fall asleep, but wasn't yet...still aware that I was awake. I heard His voice! It was quiet, soft, but firm: "Zephaniah". That was all Jesus said. I thought to myself, whoa! That wasn't me haha! I didn't even know where Zephaniah was in the bible. I found it the next morning. I felt like I wasn't supposed to start at the beginning of the book. I read the last chapter and was amazed, relieved, and filled with peace. Please read it dear friends, such a beautiful reminder how He has taken away our punishments. I told everyone because I was so overjoyed and excited! God didn't leave me! About a week or two later doubt creeped in. I was alone and in bed, and I said Lord, I have spoken with you about tongues (I grew up traditionally so it was new and scary the concept of tongues which I had been asking God about just before all of this happened). I said "Lord,if you're willing then I'm willing". I felt a sudden flush...warm, tingly, peace, almost like subtle electricity. My lips moved involuntarily and made a sound. I kind of got scared and it stopped. The Lord has shown and taught me since, however. That moment was one of the most incredible moments of my life. Before the sensation I felt empty, broken, and at rock bottom. My friends God is so loving, so merciful, so forgiving. He looks at our hearts and knows them better than we do. Trust in Christ. Believe. Have faith, because age is so so faithful. He does not want us to perish. He is mighty to save. Don't you dare let satan tell you otherwise. Faith is not about feelings! Something God is still teaching me and reminding me. He knows all of you, He who comes to the Father will not be cast away. Seek His face. He will surprise you. I know it! This is a battle, but we have the happy ending praise God!

Hi there I'm fealing the same as you I once didnt understand tongues properly and said something to my uncle ever since I havnt felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit or the presence I feel lost. Where they was saying once enlightened its because then Jews returned back to Judaism after knowing better an put him to a shame not what you done we need to remember what the circumstances was like then. Try casting any spirit of self condemnation out in Jesus name.

Hi, I see its been over a year since your last update Desirefaith... I hope you are doing better. I just wanted to share with you my feelings and positive experiences after experiencing verysimilar experiences as you.
the first thing ai want to address is how you missed reading the Bible in Poland ans also felt how you needed to change and told God you would start reading the Bible when you got home. That is tremendously wonderful! You wanted that for so long...and it happened! Where my positive experience that I want to share with you is that the fear and tormenting feelings are separate from your desire to repent and read the Bible again which comes from the Holy Spirit. He sealed your salvation! I experienced those horrible feelings to where I was incapacitated to work and go to school. I begged God to toich me and let me back in. Three weeks later, I felt I needed to go into the bedroom and pray in tounges. I couldn't believe it was happening! I saw what seemed like a small hole of God's beautiful Love and felt comfort pouring into me through it. I praised Him and praised him...I didn't think I would EVER feel the Lord's touch again! One extremely significant thing that happened before I was able to experience this was that earlier, something happened in a relationship with a man made me feel so.sad. and I suddenly began to cryand cry because my heart felt broken. I realized after crying that the pain I felt was gone. I realized that Jesus was beginning to heal my broken heart, not only from what the man in my relationship said, but many other painful experiences of abuse throughout my life. It was only after I received that first healing that I was able to receive a touch from Jesus. My pastor told me that mayne I was just too hurt for God
to help me recieve the truth of what everyone was telling me...that I hae not committed the unpardonable sin

What youre saying sounds alot like me. My heart wont repent. But also i feel like i need to cry and have my heart brroke. Can you explain in detail what you went through. It just sounds like you could help me. You went through wanting to read the bible again but couldnt, inability to repent, couldn't go to work or school, tormented and fear, definately thhinking you were hopless and had commited a sin that couldnt be forgiven. I'm going through all of this and a sever loss of meaning in my life right now. What type of event caused this in your life?

I want God to let me back in too. But what caused this for me was not obeying God and walking forward in my faith, he gave me so many warnings that I can totally see how im cut off right now. I just hope theres hope

it does say his mercy outlasts his judgment.

your entire story shows the desire to repent ,that desire would not be there unless the holy spirit put it there...so repent and become sold out to jesus once and for all...the trinity are one for you to blapheme would be final .meaning you would reject GODS ONLY PLAN for salvation his son JESUS CHRIST and the working of the HOLY SPIRIT IN YOUR LIFE ....and trust me you have not ,or you you would not have written your story...you would be headed to hell without a care in the world as dead on the inside as the devil himself...keep trusting jesus to free you from the **** its a very common problem in a lot of true believers lives myself included...dont let satan use it to condem you...there is freedom in christ if he started his work in you he will finish it !!!

ps desire faith my name is mr hill.

Hey desire faith ive read your story and i would like to offer support of some kind unlike like most i can relate if you would like to speak please call 347-835-8072

Your story really makes me scared, because I am in the exact same situation. I don't feel the holy spirit anymore. I never really thought that there would be a sin that god would not forgive either. I used to believe in reincarnation and eastern philosophies. I believed in the law of karma and not in the law of mercy and grace (which applies to all people who believe in Jesus and who did NOT commit the unpardonable sin).I actually did not even believe in the existence of a hell, nor did i believe in satan and demons. Now I really, really regret that I based my decisions in life on religous concepts which are wrong. All I hope is that hell is only temporary. I can not understand why a loving God can condemn someone eternally only for having a few bad thoughts against him...If someone wants to chat with me please feel free to contact me. My skype name is: dreamfreak1980



Greetings to all of you.

Hi try saying sorry to Heavenly Father for hat you done and ask forgiveness in Jesus name then try commanding any spirits of self condemnation spirit of accusation spirit of error to leave you in Jesus name and if you have done any different thing repent ask Jesus to release you of any sin consequences

Help me :( I'm in trouble. I think I did it too. Do any of you think that with the stress I'm in, God would understand if I accidently did it? I feel like my mind is trying to force me to do it.

the devil is putting pressure on your mind to get you to say something ,so in turn he can get you to feel like you have done it and convince you that your condemned .....HE IS A LIAR

Hey I don't think you need to worry.. I personally can't see how one outburst of words will condem you. I think morein terms of our state of being and unwillingness to change can eventually cause us to miss out on eternal salvation. If we are in a state of blaspheming Gods holy spirit, denying him, generally denying what is obviously good how can he help us!? The pharasies in the bible were in a state of seeing Jesus as evil and saying that the good things he was doing were of the devil! Obviously rediculous.. So I believe he wanted them to know if you think like that how will you be helped! Take care x

help me! I am in the same boat i strugle with a addcitive sin and i want to follow god but i cant feel any repentance at all. i have had churchesd lay hands on me and prasy for me and i hasve prsyed the sinners prayer and i got nothing from god. Anyone can help me please let me know...

If you are doing something addictive and struggling to fight it. It's a demon for instance a demon of lust call the demon by name ie demon of lust,hatred,anger and command it to go but repent to god first.

You must command it to go in Jesus name

DesiringFaith: Your story is EERILY similar to my own. Almost exactly the same in fact.



Remember that none can ****** you out of His hand. He shall NEVER leave us nor forsake us. What does that mean? NEVER. If I know anything about God at all, when He says never, God means NEVER.



I want to talk with you. Email or skype me: johnniemomo

There truly is hope for everyone here- God has listed it out on His word as simple as this:



Jeremiah 3:14-"Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you: and I will take you one of a city, and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion."



There is a difference between backsliding and blasphemy against the Spirit (Apostasy). Pastor and Evangelist Jesse M. Hendley has written a sermon on the subject and I have an excerpt below along with the link to where I read it:



" THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN APOSTASY AND BACKSLIDING

Jesse M. Hendley

John 6:67



My text today is John 6:67, in which the Lord said

unto the twelve disciples, "Will ye also go away?" A

group of disciples at this particular point in

Jesus' life, who had been walking with Him, said to

Him, "We want to go with You, Jesus. We want to be

saved and live with You here on earth and in heaven

hereafter."



These disciples suddenly turned around and left

Jesus. They went away and broke His heart. They

didn't want Him. They wanted religion. They had

that. They had the Law. They believed in the Temple

worship. They went through all the rituals, but they

rejected Jesus Christ, the Son of God. They made the

mistake many people make today.



In Distress About Salvation



I was preaching in a great church on a recent Sunday

night, when, at the close of the meeting, a lady

came to me who had heard the Sunday morning message.

She was in tears as she said, "May I speak to you?"

I escorted her to one side in order that we could

talk. As she looked into my face, with agony she

said, "I accepted Jesus as my Saviour and I was

about as honest about it as I knew how to be. (She

was a young woman, just out of college.) I went into

one of the big cities to a church and served the

Lord. My heart rejoiced and I was happy in the Lord.

I was studying the Bible, praying, and having a

wonderful time serving the Lord. I had the assurance

of salvation in my heart."



"I then went off to college and became a part of the

wrong crowd. I fell into sin and got away from the

Lord. Not long ago I heard a preacher speak on

apostasy who said if you ever leave Christ and go back

into sin, you are lost forever and there is no way you

can be saved." She looked into my face with agony, as

she wanted to know what she was going to do. She said,

"Am I lost? Can I not be saved?"



I said to her, "Little lady, believe the Word of God

against any human being---any preacher, anybody or

anything else. Believe God's Word. I am going to

share with you what God's Word says. Don't believe

it because I say it, but believe because it is God's

Word. There is a difference between apostasy and

backsliding. You must understand this and you will

know your condition. Apostasy is making a profession

of faith to walk with Jesus Christ here in this

world, to trust Him as your Saviour and to really

live for Him and serve Him and then to deliberately

reject Him later and walk away from Him in rejection

of Him as your Saviour. It has nothing to do with

the sin-question, but giving up your faith in Jesus

as your Saviour." That is what the people in this

particular scripture did(Hendley)."



http://www.sermonsearch.com/content.aspx?id=19273 />


Another that helped was a quote written by iansmith from sermonindex.net. It reads:



"iansmith

Member







Joined: 2006/3/22

Posts: 962

Wheaton, IL



Re:

Two things to post on this.



Hosea 1:2 When the LORD began to speak through Hosea, the LORD said to him, "Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness, because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the LORD."



God ordered Hosea to take a prostitute as a wife so that he could understand the heart of God towards his people Israel. This is however so that he could preach that Israel should repent. I mean, what better lesson is there to teach a prophet about the anguish of God than to give the same anguish in his relationships.



This is not an excuse to get into a relationship with a backslider... that would be taking the wrong lesson out of this book. The message is that WE ARE THE PROSTITUTE. God needed his prophet to marry a prostitute to teach him that... but thankfully he wrote a book about it so that God doesn't have to teach each and every one of us that lesson. We know not to put our hand on the stove because we've been told otherwise.



The fact of the matter is that God's people were corrupt, he has a covenant with them that he will not betray, just like a vow of marriage between a man and woman. Israel has been unfaithful, but God will remain to be faithful... Thats why God tells Hosea to go back to his wife after she leaves him because he wants him to understand his heart of forgiveness.



This is not permission to backslide! It is so that we can know the heart of God about backsliding and backsliders."



http://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=13053&forum=35&9 />


Hope this helps! Love to you all.



May His Word bless you, encourage, uplift and empower you,

Isaiah

brothers and sisters, if you are still breathing, you still have hope in Christ nomatter what you are going through. Do not give up

Also God has left me numerous signs in the past. Now he doesn't but I don't care signs or not I will forever pray to my Lord. But you guys also have to see it from God point of view to here he is gives us this chance to receive this life and peace and we just throw it in his face. We have control over all demons I know it can be hecka hard but that defiance against God is rooted from deliberate sin which is why it's so unforgivable not trying to make anyone feel bad just stating the facts it once took me months to receive a sign from God just read his word and pray pray pray. Much Love hope you one day get back to feeling much love from God. You are in my prayers

M.s. alwayslovegodtodafullest. Correct me if I'm not making any sense in relation to your comment.
God does offer peace, true. However, the reason why some through it right back in His face is because they don't fully understand how much Christ loves them. I had trouble understanding the context of this next one--"but that defiance against God is rooted from deliberate sin which is why it's so unforgivable not trying to make anyone feel bad just stating the facts." Please clairify to me, what you meant by this. I get word context confusion sometimes : / and don't want to jump to any conclusions.
Thanks :)

What I mean is with deliberate sin the more more you do it it comes to a point where you become rebellious I'm just saying this from my point of view. Also what you said is true when I first became a Christian I didn't read the bible or anything study his word or nothing so now I think I'm in the same predicament as some of these other people.

It's never too late to understand His word, just so long as your on this earth. And your still young. The one good thing about reading the word is not that you have to, but you get to because it brings this reasurance in your heart that reminds you that you are His child. And plus, the Bible is truth. You can depend on it. What also helps is getting in a study group at church, to be around other believers.

Thanks :)

1 More Response

Wow I know what your going through I've never said bad things about God but I have done willful sins to the point where God has left me. I cry and pray every day and I will continue to do just that. I don't care if I'm burning in hell with acid covering my body I will continue to rejoice in his name even if he rejects me I will not stop praying and crying out his name. He is my father and forever will be. Just this for some reason puts peace in my heart. Maybe you should do the same.

Wow... That's almost the EXACT same thing that comforts me. In the summer when I was 14, I thought I could have committed it. I definitely have ADD and possibly OCD, and I said it, thinking I couldn't control myself. I went into the worst period of my life that summer, but I got better. I started going back to church, and I feel God's presence, especially in worship (my favorite has to be 10,000 reasons :D). I still doubt sometimes, and that is what lead me here, but I convinced my mom to enroll me in a christian school, and I am in a class this year where we go through the Bible, and next year I am hoping to take apologetics. Anyway, what I mean to say, is that I think The Holy Spirit may be giving us this hope. I have heard many hopeful stories that relate to mine, and I'm wondering if it is the Spirit telling us this! I'm not entirely sure about this passage yet, just that I think that if you had truly committed this sin, you would have no desire to repent. Some people, like the one above, seem to not understand what repentance means. It means to be sorry (which sometimes we don't even feel, but show by our actions), and turn from the sin. You can be afraid while repenting, it doesn't mean you are not sincere! Hallelujah, Praise Jesus forever!

GOD IS THE GOD OF LIFE, NOT DEATH:

Dear DesireFaith God didn't take the Holy Spirit from you, nor did He punish you. For He is the God of life, not death. Though, you may have majorly grieved the Holy Spirit, but He didn't leave you. Turn in your bible & read(Heb 13:5b).



UNDERSTANDING WHAT BLASPHEMY OF THE HOLY SPIRIT IS:

If you truly blasphemed the Holy Spirit, you wouldn't be writing to us telling us of your spiritual wounds. You wouldn't have any spiritual wounds such as (fear, guilt, and emptiness) if you truly blasphemed the Holy Spirit.

Poor soul, a Christian cannot truly blaspheme the Holy Spirit but the Pharisees (non-Christians) did and after they did they didn't feel the emptiness, the guilt, the fear that you feel now. Nor would they write and post their story about how bad they felt after having said such a thing.



YOU CANNOT LOOSE YOUR SALVATION:

We are justified through faith--weren't you justified through faith at some point? Next is sanctification which is growing and studying the Word of God and getting with other believers in fellowship. Not that you have to do this, but you get to. Then glorification (hope of eternal glory--heaven). However, glorification isn't determined by sanctification because glorification is truly God's free gift to us. We didn't deserve it or earn it. Read (Eph 2:8-9) & (1 Pet 1:3-4). In saying this, this should encourage us in wanting to grow in Him. If you could loose salvation then God is saying that His Sons death on the cross was not official. But the thing is, His death is official so salvation cannot be lost.



UNDERSTANDING FAITH:

Know that He still loves you and that your faith doesn't need to be great and excellent. For in (Romans 1:17) it says, "The just shall live by faith." Notice this verse doesn't go into detail about what level of faith the just shall live by. It just says faith. You can either have strong faith or not so strong faith. You can even meet in the middle because faith is still faith in God's eyes. I guess what I'm trying to say is faith is faith. All it takes is simple trust and faith in Him.



ALL YOUR SINS ARE FORGIVEN:

Dear troubled soul, God forgave you at the cross --you don't need to wait around waiting for Him to forgive you--that part is done "It is finished" all you have to do is agree that this sweet true fact is present in your own life. Again, if you could loose your salvation, then God is saying that His Sons death on the cross was not official. But the thing is, His death is official so salvation cannot be lost.



SATAN IS AGAINST YOU, CHRIST IS FOR YOU:

Do not plug your ears nor reject what the Word says.

the devil wants you to plug your ears and keep your eyes from reading the scripture because he knows that if you were to unplug your ears and open your eyes you will get closer to God and sanctify in His Word. So the devil says, "Plug your ears and cover your eyes and run from the things that remind you of Jesus." God is not out to judge you--the devil wants you to think that God is out to judge you so that you will keep away from church, fellowshipping with other Christians, reading the Word of God & thereby, become enlightened again. Therefore, abstain from that which is evil and cleave to that which is good because Satan's plan is to feed you lies and isolate you and cut you off from Christ and the people of Christ. I'm only speaking the truth and don't intend to harm you.



SATAN IS AFTER CHRISTIANS:

In continuing the previous portion, open your Bible and read (1 Peter 5:8-9) from this passage you see that the devil is after Christians--this is were your guilt, fear, and emptiness comes from, they don't come from God (Jas 1:17). You're not alone. The reason why Jesus has become silent to you is because you have closed your ears and closed your eyes to the truth and you gave into Satan’s lies. Jesus is still with you showing you signs, letting you know He's still with you, but you may be missing them. Yet Jesus, in His patience and faithfulness, is waiting for you to come to Him and trust Him again. What I'm trying to say is, maybe Jesus is waiting on you and is wanting you to stop running from Him, because the times when you run from Him are also the times when He is looking for you. This is His case with me all the time; I'm always straying from Him and getting into trouble (1 Pet 5:8-9). But that doesn't mean that He is done with me. He's not finished with you either D.F. (Philippians 1:6). Therefore, "Don't fret--it only causes harm."

He loves you and will not abandon you nor forget you.

Dear reader, “When Christ seemeth a-far off to thee, He is actually closer to thee than He has ever been.”



GROWING IN THE GRACE AND KNOWLEDGE:

The thing that you maybe struggling with maybe sanctification (Growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ). Turn to, in your Bible and read (Romans 12:2) & (2 Peter 3:18). Both of these verses have to do with changing the way you're presently thinking. (This may not happen right away, it may take some time). And through this, will bring forth enlighten and understanding. You will understand His will for your life--in this, you will want to glorify Him. This is what it means to repent which means to choose good over bad, repentance is not just saying a prayer, rather repentance means to change your way of thinking.

For example:

I was typing an angry and bitter email to my parents, then I stopped myself, re-read the email and realized what I was saying was wrong. Then I changed my mind and editted the email and made it sweet and thoughtful rather than of angry and bitter.This is the changing of the mind Christians take part in as they let the sciptures transform their way of thinking thus keeping them free from fear and guilt.



CLOSING:

You don't deserve to be in sorrow. Yet, still read (1 Peter 5:8-9) and also (Isaiah 49:15-16) one of my favorite verses. I hope this message helped. I don't want you to become dull of hearing; but instead I pray that you will hide these truths within your own heart. Jesus still loves and cares for you. And trust me, if at any time in your life you have felt the presence of Christ in your life then there is no doubt that you are one of His children. God bless you.

I feel the same way i loved god and jesus very much but i started to read about hell and rapture and i feel as though i lost the love and faith of jesus and god i also pray and read the bible HELP!!

To beltran,
“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also..." (John 14:1-3)

Having read through everyones comments on here I too share the same anguish as you do. I was going through a period of depression last year which started in April during that time there were plenty of times I wanted to run to God to take me out of it and to restore me, several times God did exactly that and it brought great relief, but as time went on I slowly felt myself withdrawing from God but his desire was always to heal, I had at times experienced a problem whereby my fingers and toes were crossing and curling involuntarily and I had some prayers of deliverance and shortly afterwards I was restored. Sometimes during these periods of restoration I really had experienced God like never before I had one experience where someone had prayed for me over the phone and Gods presence entered the room like a powerful sweet fragrance which brought healing to my body and joy of salvation, I had also experienced the marks of the crucifixion around my body particulary in my hands and feet but also where he'd been pierced in his side. During these times of restoration everything was great but by July time of last year I felt that now I was restored I no longer needed God in my life and pushed him out as hard as I could. Consequently at the time of kicking him out it almost felt like brain cells were beginning to pop, and I had heard God pleading with me very audibly that he didn't want to send me to hell but I stupidly persisted in pushing God out so the next thing to go was all the excitement and joy I ever had in my life it was as if a vacuum had come and sucked it out, I often think it must have been the Holy Spirit but people say he never leaves, anyway after this the last thing I recall shortly after kicking God out in the way I did was a single physical lightning bolt which I have deemed to be a sign of God's anger towards me and that I am now separated from his kingdom. I've tried praying with a lot of different people for God to restore me again but it doesn't seem to be happening anymore, my fingers and feet have gone back to their twitching and curling and quite frankly I don't think I can be healed again and feel damned by Hebrews 10:26 where it talks about it being impossible to experience the Holy Spirit and the powers of the age to come to turn away from God and then be brought back to repentence. I often struggle with blasphemous thoughts towards God and the Holy Spirit and often feel like associating my God experiences as being the work of the devil. I know its completely untrue but I often want to think like that because of my belief Gods no longer there. I have a heart that wants to come back but it all seems to late and I'm often daily contemplating whether I should just end my life and get my inevitable journey to Hell over and done with.

Okay here is my story I have been a Christian since I was 11 loved god feared him my whole life fought the devil my whole life got away from god in my teens and thought he wasn't going to forgive me then march of last year he convicted me and told me he forgave me and that I had a purpose and life and I felt the holy ghost come over me and I was happy.. The lord was doing so much for me in my life and I was so happy I have a wonderful husband and a 2 yr old girl and he was there with me my whole pregnancy and when he came over me he said we are going to start from today and I was so happy well about a few weeks after the devil got in my mind and he made me have these halucinations. he walked all over top of me and was horrible to me and my husband didn't know what was wrong with me so he has me committed to a mental institution and all I had to do was get a preacher and call out the name of Jesus but when I was in the hospital the devil was really missing with my mind and I said lord if it's not too late show me now and the devil was saying that the ice machine was broken and god said look lisa u got I've and pulled ice in my cup and goes don't listen to anything they say.and every time the devil would say something like I picked up the phone and he would say hang up or die and I hung up and there was a devil worship per in there and she was saying stuff and instead of taking it to god and having him to run the devil off the devil just quits talking to me and I assumed god was gone for some reason and I kept asking to forgive me for what happen with the devil worship per and looking back now I realize he was going to and I didn't realize it at the time but the devil was saying look what u did and I kept saying I am sorry and I layed up in the hospital bed thinking that god can't hear me and I go this is redicoulous I have already appologized for this fine then go ahead send me to hell I

Guess I am a devil worshipper just let me go home I guess we do have more power then god and I never thought I would say that well now god won't forgive me right now but he was nice enough to give me one more chance if I would just had listened I was praying for god to give me one more chance to praise god and Jesus came over me one night with his spirit and says wake up jake and start praising god and I went back to sleep for some stupid reason and this was in sept and I am looking for him to come back into my life I can't make it without him he has been so good to me and I depend on him for everything and I can tell I no longer have the spirit of god and it's so sad cause I was a good person and loved god and can not believe I allowed the devil to do this to my life that god gave me now it's like the devil doesn't bother me anymore cause I am lost and this is a horrible feeling so when u pray please pray that god will come over me again I don't have no more joy when I sing and I am just not happy I go to the altor and speak to everyone about this and I just keep

waiting thanks

I myself understand what you are going through. why it took so long i dont know. I have gone to 2 churches to seek help for this and got no where. and asked several people to see if they struggled with this and not really. I have thoughts several thoughts like yourselves. i have f u thoughts towards God with my middle fiingers that i have sensations in my middle fingers on both hands that have been there for many years i have prayed many years for it to be gone. I have had thoughts telling the Holy Spirit to f off too I hate it i really do. Ive cried begged to God and Jesus to take them. I felt i must of been bad since they are still there or im not really saved. i have other thoughts sexual thoughts of Jesus that im ashamed of and Jesus whats wrong with me why is this happening. im sorry. im ashamed. ive had a harded heart many many times. im lukewarm. I feel tormented in my mind daily. Ive wanted to die or just wanted these feelings and thoughts to stop. I said God why i thought i wanted u i know i have all these things in my heart im aware i try to want you i know that this is there these thoughts are there . i cried i would give up and harden my heart again. i felt like a failure again. again i felt my heart never truly wanted Christ with all these thoughts. I even said take me now please it would be easier. Im gonna walk away completely your gonna loose me forever. I cant handle this anymore. i cant.

I also have those thoughts. I have ADD and possibly OCD, and I said the thoughts, thinking that I couldn't loose my salvation over a few words, and that these words would constantly torment me until I say them, I was so devastated, and was drawn in to Athiesm almost, but I started going back to church, and teh Glorious Father God has shown me so many times that I need not worry. I love him... and you can too, don't worry. Check out 1 John 1:9. This lists no exceptions. ALL sins shall be forgiven IF we confess them before The Lord. Matthew 12 did not say anything about confessing sins. I think I have come to the conclusion that as long as you are concerned and repentant, there is no way Father God would not forgive you! As Jesus said "All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away, John 6:37" If your coming to Jesus, he's not going to drive you away! I forget the verse, but Jesus also said that if you come to him, it is because of The Father calling you to him (paraphrase; I encourage you to find the verse yourself! :)". So why would God be calling you to Jesus if you had no chance of forgiveness? Do you really think the Loving Father is that sadistic? OF COURSE NOT! Just continue trusting Christ and living for him. See you one day in the Father's Kingdom! :D
-Prayers, Josh