Vicious Circle

I sit in the back of the classroom. I never speak up. I always get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever there's a possibility that I will get called on to ask a question. In one of my classes, I am one of two girls, and she's the only one I ever talk to in that class. Whenever I walk in, I always have my head down and try to avoid eye contact with the guys in the classroom. Why? It's a mix of being insecure about my weight, but mostly because of wanting to be an intellectual equal and not wanting to appear like the most boring person ever even if I kind of am. I'm always guilty of the deadly duo, "what should I say" and "why did I say that." Even with possible friends, I can't help but think that I'm kind just a charity case and they're just talking to me at school out of courtesy.

I stay at home all of the time and I want to make friends, but I fear that I have nothing to offer and and fear that I'd coming off as a loser who has no friends. So it's kind of a vicious circle I've put myself in. I have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend nor have I ever gone on a date at 23 years old. I want to feel what it's like to be in love and have that love reciprocated, but I'm struggling with pulling myself out of this debilitating anxiety. And I know. I know that I should learn to find my own happiness and be secure with who I am and find and accept the good things about me before I focus on having another person be a part of my life. But during the times when I should be studying or reflecting on what the professor is teaching, all I can think about is...I don't know. That I want to experience what it's like to be with someone, but I feel scared of being that intimate with a person when I feel less than deserving.
karepan karepan
22-25, F
2 Responses Nov 30, 2012

You already know the root of the problem - because you listed in your story: insecurity, unsure of what others think of you, love yourself first before love others... You know what's keeping you isolated, now set yourself free, open up, and be proud of who you are. If you don't approach others AND don't let others approach you how can you have friends? Perhaps there are 1, or 2 mean people (which you afraid you may encounter), but I'm sure there are hundreds of others who like you for who you are. Don't be afraid, love yourself and open up, let others in to your circle.
Good luck!!!

You certainly are sensible!

To be less careful around others, can be a very hard task. I hope you find comfort level, without the "worry" that goes along with it.