I'm Affraid of Ending Up Alone

I am 23 years old and I've never been in a romantic relationship with a man. When I was younger I was never really interested in romance because I had other things going on in my life. Then when I started to become interested I had no self confidence. I go through life with the mind set that if you're beautiful, men will show interest in you. Men showing interest confirms that you are 'pretty'. With this mind set I always viewed myself as ugly and unattractive. I've gone through my life with ups and downs of feeling fairly depressed about my loveless life. When I was a senior in college I developed the concept that I accept I will never have a boyfriend, and that's just the way my life will work. I think this is still probably a state of denial, but this acceptance felt slightly comforting. Although I'm sure it sounds the opposite.

So now I'm 23, and I just moved to a new town. I live with two guys. Basically immediately upon moving in I developed a crush on one of my roommmates. My other roommate has been traveling abroad and will be for a total of over 3 months. So it's been just me and my roommate who I've fell madly head over heels for. We'll call him Ben. I open up to Ben, I am honest with him when I feel like I wouldn't be with others. I'm physically attracted and emotionally attracted. And he's a really great guy. He is one of the first people in my life that is an appropriate healthy person for me to be attracted to. We understand each other very well, and get along well. We hang out every day and he has become my best friend in this new place that I've moved. We watch movies in bed in the dark all the time. I fall asleep in his arms on a semi-regular basis. I have never told him how I feel partly because he is my roommate and I'm utterly terrified to go there with a roommate. Especially when I love my living situaiton and I've never been romantically involved and it scares the crap out of me. Usually I never let anyone get close enough to realize I like them.

I think Ben has a girlfriend that he's in a long distance relationship with. He has never mentioned a gf to me ever. He has had ample opportunity. When I asked who "name" was, he avoided the question. He told me at the very last minute that he had to drive to 'New Hampshire' at the last minute and didn't tell me why. The day he had to go was on valentines day. I asked why he had to go to Maine and he avoided the question. I think he avoids telling me he has a gf. I've always had it in the back of my mind that this might be true, but I was in denial and addicted to the relationship I have with him. This is seriously ****** with my mind and since he left to go see his secret gf on valentines day I have been terribly depressed.

 

It just figures that this happens to me because I honsetly feel like I am destined to be alone. I need to confront him but I also feel like he is one of my closest friends right now. I am in shambles and don't know what to do.

NotThatIntoYou NotThatIntoYou
22-25
1 Response Feb 15, 2009

uuuummmmm, you cant go on the way you are. you gotta tell him. and i may be wrong? but i think he has feelings for you as well. if he didnt?? he wouldnt keep the gf a seceret......<br />
and nooooooo, you wont be alone!!! if you were like 40?? then maybe? but your only 23.... to be 23 again. trust me, men are scared shitless to come onto a woman, yet alone tell them they like them. sometimes you just haveto put fate in your own hands....