Hoping Without Hope....

My fear and insecurities get the best of me, they tear me apart and leave me broken time and time again.

For I know I need love (and to be loved), it is what I yearn for and crave.... But for the life of me, I will never look for it or try to get it.

I push people away when I feel they get close to me. I am at the point where I push people away before they talk to me or get to know me. And its not what I want to do. I don't.... But I can't help it. I am just too tired of being hurt over and over again.

And yes, I know my insecurities, and when it all comes down to it, the suffering in my heart, is my own fault (just like Radiohead said "you do it to yourself you do, and that's what really hurts"), but I am so stuck I can't really help it any more.

I am tired. Tired of the angst in my heart, tired of being alone.

I want to be happy, I do, sooo bad it hurts.... But I can't see it.... I try sooo hard and get nowhere, just alone and upset....

I am not even sure if I have the hope I used to any more.... It seems that maybe love doesn't conquer all like I thought it would...

At times I feel like maybe it is something of a lie...

Sometimes it just all seems too much....

And I have my family and friends.... And they/ you do get me by day after day....

But it would still be nice....

But I have the feeling it is just a dream....

TheWanderingSupertramp TheWanderingSupertramp
26-30, M
5 Responses Mar 1, 2010

Dear Reece....listen to theredlady and Brooklynchick. Then think back to all the things you have said to me....you wouldn't let me give up hope and I refuse to let you. ((hugs))

She's right you know... You never have given up looking for love. That's why you feel the way you do now, but don't give up. I feel this same way at times. I did before I found it and I did when I lost my husband and now I feel the way you do, but I know in my heart it will come again soon. I just keep hoping

I know hon. I wish I could reach out and make it easier for you but I know from talking to your mom you are strong and you will get through to the other side......life will be good again, I wouldn't say that if I didn't believe it Reece.

I want to believe that Auntie... Its hard....

Nephew of mine, it IS out there, and it will come to you. Your family has all been where you are and I know first hand how you feel. It gets better but that doesn't help when you are going through it, I know. When you stop looking for it, that is usually when that love shows up in your life and knocks you off your feet. Don't give up! We love you, G