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Nothing Worthy Of Love

I have been 'single' for over a year now and I finally allowed myself to truly open up and care about someone. I told him of my childhood, details I have not even told my therapist, I shared my desires, my dreams, my secrets. I allowed him to see me, to know me.....very few get to. " You are amazing ", " I like you, more than I let on...." he would say. He wanted to be with me and he opened up to me or so it seemed. Yet when all is said and done, I am but one of three. I am nothing special, nothing worthy of love or even consideration of dating. WOW!!

Is my personality so unpleasant, so unworthy of being someone special to just one person? I finally open up and it is still not enough.....I do not know how to become worthy....how to become someone who deserves love. It saddens me because I do not understand and I do not know how to fix it or even how to walk away from the pain.

I am tired of being cold, distant.....I want true love. Just someone who truly wants to be with me, spend time with me and who is not constantly looking for that other, better option. I am tired of being that girl who is worthy of f*kking but not worthy of being with.

But perhaps I just need to except my path.....to except I will never find love. Not the kind of love I so want anyway.
wickedties wickedties 41-45, F 68 Responses Feb 1, 2011

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To makingmirrors101.. You are defiantly not alone and also a thank you to wickedties for your response... Because of this you have made me feel like I'm not alone either, it made me stop looking at myself like I failed!!
I started to say to myself...yes I am enough.... An it's your loss!! I am worth loving!

My mum always use to say to me no one will love you until you learn to love yourself!! Unfortunately I don't think I will ever love myself, but I do love that I have a loyal heart, I love everyone for who they are and I know that inside I'm an amazing person who one day someone will be lucky enough to have.

So I'm going to stop looking an start enjoying my life, yes I still feel as lonely as hell and I still have a few tears at night, but this is the first time I've started to think positive and it's giving me a little inner strength.
I'm hoping the more positive me shows through and maybe I will catch the eye of a good guy....

Thank you all, your story's and your responses have helped so much, I hope I can help some of you to really look at yourself the way I have just learned to look at myself and see the amazing person you are!!
You are enough and you do deserve to be loved.... All the cheaters that have constantly broken our hearts will one day realise what they have lost and they normally do, when it's to late!!

Keep positive, never change and keep that smile on your beautiful face.... Love will come!
My love to everyone on hear, thank you again

Tracey xxxxxx

Tazdav76...thank you for sharing. And yes, you ARE worthy and wonderful- don't ever forget that!

I too have heard that saying and I believe it is true....but I think people can love you even if you don't love yourself but eventually, over time, your attitude sabotages it and in turn, they either fall out of love with you or simply grow tired. So....the key is to love yourself and demand that the people in your life respect and honour that.

And I wish you strength and happiness ALWAYS!!

WT.

Is it so bad that all someone wants is to be loved? To find someone who actually wants to spend time with us? Or to even just sit there and enjoy the silence that is so very familiar? And maybe even oneday, finally be able to say: " I have a fairy tale ending?"
I know from personal experience that it's hard to find someone who actually wants to be with you too, and who truly enjoys having the company of another person... I still haven't found that person, and I'm starting to lose faith that I ever will... I've basically summed up my life to: forever alone... And what's even worse is that everyone around me is finding true love, and getting married... And sometimes the loneliness gets to me so badly that I just break down and son like a mad woman.... You've basically summed up my life in a short paragraph, and I thank you for making me feel like I'm not the only one who is alone

Makingmirrors101...first, it is not wrong to want someone to love you nor is it wrong to want and expect someone to love only you and in turn be faithful. While I have battled feelings of true worthlessness I know inside that I am so worth love and respect; I am not perfect but I am damn good!! Yet when my first long term relationship ended as a result of him cheating ( to which I responded with my heal dug into his forehead, which he still has a scar to remind him of that day) and then to my 18 yr marriage, where we just grew apart, actually I believe I married him for I thought I would never find another man to love me, especially such a good man. And then to several other 'mini' relationships to my lastest- I felt alone and as if no one could or would ever love me. I battled the thoughts I was worthless, not good enough- too fat, too ugly, not good in bed, boring, stupid- it was pure self hate...failure of the relationship was ALL my fault and I couldn't shake that. Yet logically I damn well knew it wasn't my fault- certainly not in the cases of cheating. Anyway my point is that despite all that, I have been able to look in the mirror and say I am worthy and when I least expect it, a man will fight to be with me & frankly I deserve that!! I may be alone but I won't accept anything else!! Hell I would rather be alone, hold me head up high, then in a relationship with a man who didn't realize how f'ing awesome I am!!

:-( it's like you have just wrote about my life, and today all I've done is looked at pictures confused wondering why this has happened again :-( I no I'm a lovely person... But why am I not enough?? :-(((((((
I think our hearts are worn too much on our sleeve sometimes, I hope you find real love soon x

Tazdav76...I know it is a struggle to not think ' why am I not enough?'- I have done my fair amount of wondering why but as time has gone by I have come to the conclusion that 'he' wasn't enough for me! And why- because he was an idiot who thought with his ****** instead of his little brain. HIS LOSS!!

I hope you find happiness and...love with & for someone who truly deserves all you have to offer!!

Thank you for sharing! *smiles*

I think, from my own experience, that when you just do things that you like around other people you have an opportunity to meet someone and see where it goes rather than set out, search, answer ads, etc in a hope to find a perfect relationship. I've screwed up royally a lot and most of it was pushing for the "right" person and every time it was a disaster. Life is hard. Finding and deserving real love takes a long process of give and take. I found, for me, that when I took I got nothing but crap and when I gave I sometimes got love in return. But, never be the only one that gives or you will be taken advantage of. No need to tell you that, I know.

Thank you Dorobo- and you are right. It is always better to just live life and let what happens happen; pushing or forcing it to happen never works in the long run.

i just wanted to let you know i went through a divorice years back after 10 years being married and, knew her years before that, i was totally heart broken for a couple years, after all the inner most secrets i told her and at the end it met nothing, but i soon learned it was fun to still fall in love and meet other people to open up too with your most inner desires, it still feel good, and you sound like a good open person, would love to chat with you, Take care

Don't open up in trading for love, that will just make you question yourself more. Open up because it feels good to do so, without expectation, without anticipation :)...When you finally accept that YOU are the sole person who's responsible for everything you do, say, and feel, you will feel a lot better :) Maybe things don't quite work out between you and him as you expected, but at least the good feelings you had when you opened up to a person will perhaps remain and won't change with the fact that he is also seeing other people. Be unconditionally happy! You deserve it! You truly do!

I wish I were worthy of affection also and not just treated like a trophy or piece of furniture. Or put on display as the resident crazy artist.

where are you now 18 months later? how have you grown?

good question....and if i'm honest, i'm not sure i know the answer. i know that his issues are his and not a reflection of me. yet, emotionally it is sometimes hard to remember

you know... after thinkning about this a couple of weeks the thing I would say is there part of you, even if it's just a small glimmering part, that knows that what happens to you does not reflect your value or worth just the situation you've unconciously been drawn to? I hope so...

It sound like from your comment that there is... how loud is it? how truthful is it? ;)

uve got to love urself first then that love will automatically pull people of worth into ur life and dont accept and settle for less than the best there is coz you are a very attractive woman i believe inwardly and outwardly. i understand you cos i feel just like you and havnt ever been in a real relationship, im trying to fall in love with myself first its hard but it works. bood luck

Thank you for the lovely and kind words...and you are right, you have to love yourself first. And for the most part I do...I know I deserve good people in my life and truly I dont accept sh*t but some days, when I least expect it I get blindsighted and my love for myself is gone..briefly.

But you will, if you haven't already...<br />
d.

BiGuyEroticaMpls.....frankly I am beginnning t wonder if there is even such a thing anymore, perhaps I am just too much of a romantic to see that!?? Oh well, a girl can have her dreams, yes.

I am really hoping your not talking about me hurting you as I never wanted to

hi gorgeous, whatever you do, don't give up. Basically what everyone is trying to tell you is, you always find something when you are not looking for it. Just be your usual vivascious self and look at the bright side of life. Love and the right person wil find you just when you don't expect it. Maybe this person you are dating is the right one. Life is all trial and error. It's the only way we learn. <br />
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We are all rooting for you.

well you think your personality is unpleasant what does mine need ;), needs an axe and a chainsaw hehehe

Please don't give up. You are a very special person and someday someone will cross your path who can and will be everything that you need. Please keep your chin up and that wonderful (mischeivious) smile on that pretty face. <br />
You have touched my life more than you will ever know and am glad you friended me. Message me some time if you like

What has happened so far wickedties? I hope you have found everything you deserve.

Hello Weirworm....many things have happened in my life as I have started over, not only as a marriage has ended but I have begun to date someone...there have been obstacles and issues of trust and while I KNOW inside I am worthy of a good man, an honest man I do feel myself full of doubts. That being said, I keep focusing on myself, growing....in time I am hoping my inner strength with out weigh any doubts I have in trusting others.

1Nasty1, well for myself, I started having sex b/c I thought it was all I could offer a man....essentially from observing the men that were around me they dropped one for a 'better' one...and there is always a better one in some way or form.As a result, as with many girls, sex is all we think we have to offer a man that will keep his interest. And while I have always enjoyed sex, at some time in my life it became a chore....unplesant and stressful! However, I now know I have much more to offer than my sexuality.....and I offer it when I WANT to not b/c I think it's what he wants.<br />
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However, now I find another challenge.....while computer technology is wonderful it also makes it very easy for people to find extra cirricular ativities!! For me it is sad that it is acceptable to a large amount of people to cheat on others...to lie and see others when they are involved with someone else. The theory that it doesn't hurt the one being cheated on b/c they will never find outt is such a crock of sh*t......anyway, I find it hard to trust others as very few are trustworthy these days. <br />
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I have slowly become jaded, what can I say?!<br />
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Thank you for the kind comment!!

Ahh there was a simpler time, a age when sweethearts waited untill they got married to have sex and explored each other. They already knew from the 3,4, or 5 years of there dates that they weren't just in love, but knew and loved each others soul. If you take sex out of the equation, there is alotta talk time, and you'll know if your right for each other. Question: If you give yourself to a guy cuz you think he is the right one and he goes another way... do you feel robbed? If the answer is yes then you have old fashion values but got tricked by todays modern value to fall into the pain you find yourself in. But you can learn from it. If you don't feel robbed and enjoy sex then you need to see that sex and love are two different animals and you'll fare well to keep them apart.<br />
I did not ... how ever ... grow up in that age and lived for sex ...and did not understand that I hurt so many girls of old fashion value cuz I thought they got just as much out of it as I did. HAD we have talked to no ends then I would learn that they really did not want sex but did it for me / to keep me / to make me think they were cool even! But to tell you the truth, the girls that did not bend to my charm... still today hold there head up high and laugh at me, knowing that they got away from a Man Hoe, er... what ever ya call it. sob...dog...#@%&*$ I do want you to know that every girl I have been with had value to me. I am sorry I saw sex as a itch that had to be scratched.<br />
You are a female that can rock a mans world, I hope you find a guy that likes you but loves your soul...... bottom line..... Know what your values are, be happy and live them. <br />
sorry for the novel

I feel the exact same way!! The only thing is I am realizing I pick men who I KNOW that do not and will not ever have those types of real feelings for me weather I acknowledge it at the moment or not. It is because I feel I am not worthy of anyones love. I will tell you what others have told me..and perhaps I am just repeating what everyone else has already said..<br />
YOU deserve to be loved. The first persons love you deserve is your own. From what I can tell you are a beautiful woman and probably have a rockin personality but you need to believe that. How can you expect for others to love you if you don't feel worthy of anyones love? <br />
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I don't always like giving free advice I'm afraid I may offend someone so I hope the following doesn't ..I don't know your situation currently but perhaps take this time to really dig deep..figure out all the reasons why you feel your not worthy of love. <br />
(if you haven't already) That's when you can start making changes. When you get to that place where you LOVE who you are and are happy..you will attract the right kind of people.

Best0fme.....very true words! if you feel you are not worthy then others will pick up on it! and as i say to my friends, i know i am worthy, i just always feel it! and sadly, others can pick up on that too!!!

but in this case, i knew i was worthy, well not at the moment i wrote this as i was hurt/disappointed,etc but with him i knew i was worthy that is why i said 'kiss off'.

thank you veyr much for your kind, intelligent words!! very much appreciated!!

MeetUNBed269, Thank you and perhaps I will. *smiles*<br />
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Raquel7, Thank you and you are probably very right.

When you stop "looking" and start becoming the love you are looking for you will create love all around you andwill attract like energy..become the love you seek and you cannot miss.of course you get the love you give.you must radiate good energy not chase it.

Looks like you need to find a man that can accept all of you for who you are. He will need to appreciate you and not take you for granted. Someone that is not materialistic, and is worthy of you. Not the other way around. It is not an easy thing to find someone like that, I know because it is hard to find a woman like that as well. I understand what you have said in your story, and I feel that you have the same wants and needs as I do. If you like to talk, please contact me OK? <br />
<br />
XOXOXO

TigersShadow, yes it is, isn't it?!?

Glad to read that you felt strong and empowered, that is definitely a huge step in the right direction!!<br />
<br />
CJ

Silkman1, thank you for your incredibly kind words, very kind of you to say those things. But I must say, I am not looking for someone to change their life but merely to want to be with me and NOT just b/c of my sexual abilities/likes. I want someone who can look past my flaws (and there are several) and still see me as someone they need/want to be with. <br />
<br />
When I enter a relationship, that person is my focus (and not in a stalking kinda freaky way) but that I respect them enough to give them all my attention... past f* buddies are no longer a part of my life... I dont look around for others...I consider how they might feel if (?)...anyway, my point is, I dont ask for anything I dont give them and I dont think it is too much to ask for. Am I niave in thinking that?? Do I have too high of expectations??<br />
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To be honest, the longer I am online, the less I trust (and I was never big on trusting in the first place) and the less I believe people's words.....it is so easy to say wonderful things to another online but it's the actions that speak the volumes. Anyway, I digress.<br />
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Thank you again for the lovely words!!!

Hi gorgeous..<br />
<br />
I will add my little piece to this.. I feel that I must, because after reading your posts throughout here.. it seems to me so unjust what you are going through. But..firstly, one must come to understand and accept the paradoxes that life brings..to all of us. There are so many men that would do anything, even change their entire life, career and location to be with a woman like you. They are on the same wavelength as you and It is their life mission to find someone like you.. and for these men, no other woman, no matter how wonderful she may seem, is rthe right one. It will never be love, just respect and acceptance. Believe me, I know what I am talking about, I am one of these men. BUT...and I have seen this over and over again, two people like this rarely meet and most live their life in a continuous search for the right one, with many mishaps and dissapointments along the way. Just remember this.. for some men, you are a gem, a living fantasy and a lifelong dream.

Hi gorgeous..<br />
<br />
I will add my little piece to this.. I feel that I must, because after reading your posts throughout here.. it seems to me so unjust what you are going through. But..firstly, one must come to understand and accept the paradoxes that life brings..to all of us. There are so many men that would do anything, even change their entire life, career and location to be with a woman like you. They are on the same wavelength as you and It is their life mission to find someone like you.. and for these men, no other woman, no matter how wonderful she may seem, is rthe right one. It will never be love, just respect and acceptance. Believe me, I know what I am talking about, I am one of these men. BUT...and I have seen this over and over again, two people like this rarely meet and most live their life in a continuous search for the right one, with many mishaps and dissapointments along the way. Just remember this.. for some men, you are a gem, a living fantasy and a lifelong dream.

hbghbg, thank you....and one thing I can say about me, I don't stay down for long! thank you again for the kind words!<br />
<br />
makeripples, i am focusing on myself, doing what makes me happy, being me and each day i learn more and more about myself. sometimes good and sometimes bad but i am learning that i am a great person and if someone doesn't recognize that, their loss!!!<br />
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thatfeeling, i 100% agree with you! life is a series of experiences and some will be fantastic and some with cause pain in the end, they help us to be the person/individual we are. thank you for taking the time to comment! <br />
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bette402002, thank you for the reccomendation...i will look into it!<br />
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servesme, thank you for the comments...definitely words to ponder! *smiles*

as batman, the dark knight said, "its what you do that defines you"<br />
<br />
i understand loss like that and all i can say is you have to someday muster up your confidence and go out and keep looking. there is no point in giving up. if you want someone to share with, you ultimately have to share yourself, get yourself out there. and it's always a gamble. but it looks like that is the only way to attract the things you want.<br />
<br />
if you find your confidence in yourself, to trust yourself again, trust your instincts, you'll find that the positive experiences also find their way to you.<br />
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just be the best you you can be and he will find you.<br />
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i'm sure everything is going to be ok, wickedties,<br />
<br />
;)

If we didn't have trials and tests, we wouldn't know how deliverance or rescue would be like. Its indeed tough and a heck of a pill to swallow, but at times many try to bypass timing to fix issue, when issues arise to fix us and mend things that exists before the right person shows up. Discipline is hard in a world where if you think it you can do and even have it whether its right and or wrong.<br />
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I say learn to trust and develop trust, despite how tough it maybe and the issues you have had to carry from upbringing. Those who have hurt ya forgive em and and learn to love them again and even love yourself also from stuff that you may have done. Discover who you're and where you're and discover the treasures that are within you first, before you allow some schmuck to pop up from nowhere and steal it from you leaving you with hatred and fear. That freaking BITE!!!<br />
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I however encourage you to take each day as it comes and find things to do that will develop you where you're. Volunteer your time, take a vacation, hang with family, start projects, start a garden, support children the world over etc. better yet, get a massage and sleep the day away during, fart even and enjoy the stench and laugh, seek to find the remedial things we take for granted and often overlook, buy the dress the shoes you saw in the store the other day, throw out the vibrator and go without as discipline until the lover of your life finds you and proves himself to you that you're worthy of more than you thought from all the bad experiences you had previously and learn to pace yourself and not try to sell yourself the first day.<br />
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I found this song Ingrid Michaelson - Everybody recently and I hope you dig it, it really encouraged me and I hope it does you too: <br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsBBv6JhxPc&feature=related<br />
this song is a fav of mine: <br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps<br />
<br />
Thanks, take life one day at a time.

All things happen for a reason. All life's experiences, good and bad contain lessons. Some things are meant to be, and some things we were sure were meant to be, actually aren't.<br />
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I really doubt that you lack any particular qualities to attract the "right guy" into your life. You simply have not crossed paths yet. It is true that it will happen when you least expect it. I too struggle after an 18 year marriage turned cold, was it me? Am I unworthy of a truly fulfilling, passionate relationship?<br />
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It’s not me, just like it’s not you. I have had a few close friendships that I thought might be the one. But all for reasons beyond me, just did not turn out to be the one. <br />
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I do believe that attraction begins in your mind. Have the faith, have the vision, imagine, and be confident that the right person will come into your life, at exactly the right time.<br />
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As you believe, so it shall be.