I'm Such An Idiot
I got married when I was 23 years old, to a man who has never once in our time together told me he loves me. I'm sitting here 20 years later trying to figure out why. We have 2 great kids that I wouldn't trade the world for. If I hadn't married this man, they wouldn't be here.
That being said, at such young age, I believed that if I didn't marry the first person who asked me, I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Well, guess what? I now live in a lonely sexless marriage. Unless I'm discussing my kids or dogs, the only time the word love comes up is when I''m talking about a song or a book or something else that really, I only like.
I've taken to spending my nights in front of my computer spilling my guts for all the world to see. I meditate and do yoga. I'm learning to be more positive about life and lead a more spiritual path. I'm busting my butt in trying to remember to love myself.
I have to say though, when all is said and done, I really want someone who I can share all the ups and downs of life with. I want to be with someone who loves me and will tell me so.
It may sound selfish because if you look at me, you would think I'm living the high life. Most people in my real life would have no idea what is going on if I didn't tell them.
Between dating and marriage, I've thrown 22 years down the drain. That's more than half my life. I want to believe that I will meet the right man someday, but with my track record, it's become an almost impossible dream.
So yes, after all this time, I really am afraid that I will never find someone to really love me.
since writing this i have learned that even the unlovable can be loved. i've learned that there is hope out there, we just need to be strong enough to hold onto our dreams and believe....despite the obstacles life throws in our way. we need to be able to shift gears or change directions at a moment's notice without losing sight of our goal. recognize that love can come from the most unexpected places....when it does, accept it and embrace it. OH, and i'm not such an idiot anymore.