I'm Such An Idiot

I got married when I was 23 years old, to a man who has never once in our time together told me he loves me.  I'm sitting here 20 years later trying to figure out why.  We have 2 great kids that I wouldn't trade the world for.  If I hadn't married this man, they wouldn't be here.

That being said, at such young age, I believed that if I didn't marry the first person who asked me, I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.  Well, guess what?  I now live in a lonely sexless marriage.   Unless I'm discussing my kids or dogs, the only time the word love comes up is when I''m talking about a song or a book or something else that really, I only like.

 I've taken to spending my nights in front of my computer spilling my guts for all the world to see.  I meditate and do yoga.  I'm learning to be more positive about life and lead a more spiritual path.  I'm busting my butt in trying to remember to love myself.

I have to say though, when all is said and done, I really want someone who I can share all the ups and downs of life with.  I want to be with someone who loves me and will tell me so. 

It may sound selfish because if you look at me, you would think I'm living the high life.  Most people in my real  life would have no idea what is going on if I didn't tell them.

Between dating and marriage, I've thrown 22 years down the drain.  That's more than half my life.  I want to believe that I will meet the right man someday, but with my track record, it's become an almost impossible dream.

So yes, after all this time, I really am afraid that I will never find someone to really love me.

update 6/29/08

since writing this i have learned that even the unlovable can be loved.  i've learned that there is hope out there, we just need to be strong enough to hold onto our dreams and believe....despite the obstacles life throws in our way.  we need to be able to shift gears or change directions at a moment's notice without losing sight of our goal.  recognize that love can come from the most unexpected places....when it does, accept it and embrace it.  OH, and i'm not such an idiot anymore.


goddessone goddessone
41-45, F
39 Responses Mar 9, 2008

I have lost everything ~ children and home ~ through corruption and lies ~ I am still standing and would prefer to stand alone and have integrity rather than live a lie. Be brave and stand in your truth and be strong in your desires.

i'ld be interested to know if your husband can show affection to your kids,or is it just you,sounds harsh lady,my dad was the same and unfortunately it carries the hazard that you may always have to bear this pain,good luck and please try to demand more from him.x

I'm Sorry to Hear about the Crappy relationship you are in, My step-mom is in the same one with my alcholhoic Father. Hes pretty sad man, But he did Manage to have me though. I'm a loveable person, but like your failed marriage, He don't love me much as a son either. My stepmom to cope bought a Jack Russel Dog for affection. Hell, she gets more kisses from that dog than her own damn husband, Its sad. When it comes to getting out of a relationship that you are in though It can be Difficult. Especially on your kids, Divorce is a nightmare, it was for me. Not only that but you got money woes, In this economy, if you can't afford to live on your own, Good luck with that one. Also, Yea marrying the first man that comes along, sounds like a bad Idea, I know, thats what my mom did...My dad is a pathetic man. What happened to my mom is she settled for the first man she came across because she thought no other guys would wanna have her. Well I thought that was a lie, In fact the opposite is true...But unfortunately people arn't attracted to people with Self esteem issues. Take my advise, Learn to love yourself, be completely happy find something you love doing, then find someone who enjoys the same...It is only then you will find someone who understands you, who shares that connection...it will grow into love, once you through it in there. To simply put, Love is 2 things. True Friendship and Sex. That is love. If you can have both at the same time, its a really strong one...Hope you find your man, Good luck!

Your experience is very moving, and hopeful. :) As well as showing how your perception has changed over time.

I wonder how we all go through the same life experiences. Your story seems to be my life story. Even i am waiting for the right person in my life. I am quite hopeful to meet him at some point of my life. Yes, i do feel lonely sometimes..this is life..we try our best to make it simpler and happy. It is indeed a mix bag. I try to live in the moment and stay calm and peaceful.

I know of one that will love me till i return home and thats GOD.

*HUG*<br />
I was looking in my memory bank and found it...glad you helped you. :)

OMG, did I write that update? I actually sound intelligent. Wow. LOL How in the world did you remember this story and update? Thank you sooooo much!!!

Just bringing the update to attention again, sister love. xxx

When I read this story and I read these comments I can see so many similarities within my own long relationship. We were dating at 15 married at 19 have a tweny year old daughter I adore and during all of that time I have been so alone at times I could scream!<br />
I have felt so abandoned at times that my soul felt torn in two. And no one listened or noticed<br />
We are still married. I have followed him through out his first career and am following him through his second. Some would call me a gluten for punishment but no, I just simply waited for my turn! <br />
Now I have one of my own that I am able to throw myself into. I have professional and personal friends, and extended family that have some of the very same issues and concerns within their relationships. <br />
Now HE is asking when will I be able to spend time with him. Now HE is waiting on me to show up and asking why I can not take some time off. He feels that loneliness that was once my burden to suffer with.<br />
Has it changed anything? Well, At times I feel so empowered and in coontrol that is causes an enormous amount of guilt. So I began to fall right back into the "Following" mode and what happens? He suddenly has some where else to be...another agenda and another business trip to go on. I realize I let my guard down in depending upon him for my happiness. <br />
I HAVE to remember that:<br />
1) I can not change him only myself.<br />
2) I am in control of the happiness I experience by making those moments happen. I have to find it, discover it and take it for myself! <br />
3 )No one, not even my child is going to just GIVE happiness and fulfillment to me.<br />
SO....FIND your happiness in FINDING YOURSELF! Just Remember...<br />
1) Everyone around you would not be who they are without the influence YOU have had on their lives!! <br />
2) YOU HAVE TREMENDOUS WORTH & INFLUENCE on everyone and everything around you...USE IT!<br />
3) Happiness is yours for the taking...TAKE IT!<br />
<br />
A friend once told me <br />
"Take what you need and leave what you don't" <br />
I think that advice seriously applies to every aspect of our lives and relationships.<br />
<br />
KEEP THE FAITH...I Believe in YOU!<br />

That's it in a nutshell, Snow. If you don't begin to recognize yourself as someone who is special and 'worth it', then you will never find the strength to move forward. I've done a ton of work on my own, but I'd be lying if I said it was only me. I have a great support system, mainly on EP. When I start to forget, or when things start to become too overwhelming, I have friends who center and ground me....Thereby allowing me to remember who........I.........am..............inside.<br />
<br />
You do deserve to be loved and cherised....and I'm glad to hear that you not only see it, but you are doing something about it!

IWM- your original post struck a chord deep within my soul. Why do people waste years of loneliness all for the children's sake...lots of people here will agree or disagree but I often ask myself when is the time right for me? When am I the one that is the priority, the one that deserves to be loved and cherished, to be made feel special and appreciated. The time is now for me, I am doing more for myself, expanding my horizons and learning to love myself, which isnt easy! I truly believe there is a soul mate for everyone, someone that connects with you on so many levels, who knows your thoughts before you verbalize them, someone that loves you to your very core and accepts you... but I believe you have to love yourself first in order for someone else to love you.

j4p....i'm so happy to hear that you've found that person...i love happy endings....

I sooooooooo agree,

I believe that you can, but I also believe that it's not always easy.

I just read this and wanted to know what's the latest news? <br />
I agree with you, if there is a second chance at love to go for it - if you can.

Thanks, LNG....<br />
<br />
I'm amazed myself at how far I've come...<br />
*pats self on back* LOL

Great update.!!! I like your new attitudeā€¦

I too thru 2o years of my life away!!! I cant believe I was such a door mat!!! But one day last week he called me on his cell phone when he was at work and told me he was leavinme....coward you say? I couldnt agree more. Turns out he was seeing someone else. Now Here I am at 46 and wondering the same thing...I am afraid there is no one out there at my age that is willing to invest time and love on an old lady like me...especially damaged goods (medicated bipolar).<br />

iwm, our stories sound very similar. What helped me tremendously was the support of 2 very good friends. <br />
<br />
You might want to read this, it may help:<br />
<br />

Wiseowl, I think that's what's prompting me to write this story and others like it right now. <br />
<br />
It's time, actually, it's way past time. I've got to plow through the fear, no terror, of the unknown to move on to the next step and pray that I don't spend the rest of my life second guessing my decision.<br />
<br />
Don't worry about being harsh and brutal, there are times when that is the method that works best.<br />
<br />
Thank you for you insight, and for adding to HWP's cyber kick in the butt. <br />
<br />

hwp does have some good points. It's no good dwelling on the past, thinking what may have been and generally feeling sorry for yourself.<br />
<br />
I also know it's hard, I still kick myself for having wasted 20 years. If I dwell on it I get angry at myself, and others feel it.<br />
<br />
Iwantmore, I think you have to face reality. You're flogging a dead horse. If there is nothing after 20 years, it's very unlikely to change.<br />
<br />
I might sound harsh and brutal, but the longer you wait, the worse it becomes. I know, I've been there.<br />
<br />
Please don't waste away, start to live.

i don't know, i forgot what the original question was--<br />
2hrs sleep--so not good LOL

and your point is.......?

Oh HWP, the girl is jail bait. I'm not even sure she's old enough to drink LOL

good looking SON??? how about brother?? or where's the enticement to leave my wife?? when the hell did i get old??<br />
<br />
hell, save some ice cream for me.....

Go away RG and play with the other happily marrieds<br />
<br />
another one whose sole purpose in my life is to torture me. (shakes head and leaves room--might have to tackle Journey for the gallon of ice cream--it's another one of those nights)

ok gives the guy another chance...........<br />
<br />
Sends some white chocolate chip icecream your way.....hugs

Oh thank goodness, I really did not want to compliment the man again. He gets a big head way too easily...(yes, the one that is attached to your neck HWP, get your mind out of the gutter)<br />
<br />
****runs after Journey begging for which chocolate chip ice cream*******

hmmmm okay...just haviing a real lousy day.....<br />
<br />
Sorry, :)..... ok Im going off to each some white chocolate chip icecream, and wander the rooms of EP looking for some uplifting stories to cheer me up.....<br />
<br />
Yup my ep friends keep me grounded when I feel lousy and sad......thanks iwantmore

Journey, you've got us, just like we have you. <br />
<br />
Don't be too hard on HWP. He really is a great guy and has a hard time when his usually strong upbeat friends are in this place. Give him a chance, there's way more to him than you know. <br />
<br />
HWP, don't let this get to your head. I've been giving you way too many compliments lately. Just wait until I pull myself out of this hole. I'll be back to challenge every word you say. Hugs--Cybil (LOL)

Hard when you do not have one friend in your life,,,,your alone all the time. What family, mine disowned me years ago. I do like myself<br />
<br />
Until you have experienced a marriage that is so empty, heartbreaking and hurtful I do not think you have a clue what you are talking about.<br />
<br />
I do pay attention and I only have my kids around me and they are busy with friends and life....I just have me.

So says the man who loves his wife more than life. The man who is willing to walk through the fires of hell just to make her smile.<br />
Sorry HWP, just not buying it right now. Happiness and enlightenment be damned.

OK, at the risk of sounding like an insensitive clod....<br />
<br />
ALL OF YOU:<br />
<br />
1. Stop hoping for someone who loves you! How can anyone love you if you don't love yourself? That's where it starts. Forget that prince charming crap. When you let that BS go, you won't NEED anyone at all. (and then of course, they'll probably show up)<br />
<br />
2. Unless you all plan on dying tomorrow you have only "wasted" a fraction of your life. You got a LOT MORE livin' to do!! (I think that's a broadway tune, so take a second to sing a little)<br />
<br />
3. NO moment that we live is "wasted". It is all a learning experience. <br />
<br />
Take a deep breath, recognize that each of you are amazing and beautiful and special and sexy and deserving and worthy and ask yourself what you've learned from your experiences. NOT what your neighbor/sister/mother/preacher/teacher/spouse/kid/friends think. But what YOU have LEARNED! And if you have learned that the life you are experiencing right here and now is not the life you want, then you have the power to change it. <br />
<br />
Might that change be hard? Might it be painful? Sure. But is it more painful than what you are going through right now?? Your decision.<br />
<br />
You deserve love! You deserve to love yourself. It's YOUR life! Live it well.<br />
<br />
Peace & Love.<br />
<br />
<br />
PS. If you really pay attention, you will begin seeing that other people ALREADY love you. Kids, friends, family (yeah they're all a pain in the whatsis, but they love you). See yourself through the eyes of those who love you and you will never feel that you will never find someone to love you. They already do.

HWP - Ive subscribed to that methodology for as long as I can rememeber. But then one day I turned 35, woke up one morning, and thought, " No..... I want my fairy tale and I am not willing to settle. You speak of the love others feel for you. Im sure everyone has that in some form or another.
But you can never mistake, the magic that can be found between a man and a woman, if the right two come together. That will never be the same as the affection your child/relative feels for you. They are just two very different things. And i have been lucky enough to have had a taste of it, a very long time ago.
There may no prince charming but there is certainly Prince "We fit eachother like a glove".
Its not about perfection, it's about finding the perfect match. Where eachother's differences compensates for the eachother's weaknesses. And your common interests, love and respect, is the glue that holds it all together. Ohhh and when the passionate fights start, it makes the making up, all the more memorable.
Thats what i dont have at the moment. Not consistantly. Not where it feels real and not forced on his part.
There is nothing lonelier than being in a house full of people and feeling completely alone and isolated.
Stiff upper lip be damned its time for me to finally allow myself to really feel my pain and have a good old mope.
But great try on the pep talk! :)

I live the same way and think that I also wasted 21 years and the only thing I have to show for it is my kids, which I think the world off.....hugs I understand you completely iwantmore....one day you will find the right person...just reading this story I didnt realize it...you seem so happy on here, and fun to chat with....My heart goes out to you

Yes, it really is. I'm sorry that you've lived it too.

Your story touched me,sad and I think I lived it.A lot of it.I'm speechless..I can only say I get everything you said.It's like a walking bad dream state, isn't it ?

I don't know what my husband would do, and honestly, I don't care.<br />
<br />
What I do know is that I have some good male friends on EP and they are suffering the same as us. They stay in unhappy marriages because of their children.<br />
<br />
I don't think it's a man/woman thing. I think it has more to do with which of the partners is selfish and maybe hurtful and which isn't.

What do you think your husband would have done if he was in your shoes? Would he have call it quits by now and moved on?<br />
<br />
Sometimes, I think womanhood is a curse!! If I was not a woman, a mother - I seriously would not have been in this mess. I'm so emotionally invested in this married life with kids that it's totally impossible for me to escape now. <br />
<br />
Last night, I was really down and I cursed him over and over - may he never get a grain of spirituality that he so desires because he has filled my life with pain and despair.<br />
<br />
I can't wait for today to be over.