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I Wanted My Friends To Know The Real Me

I screwed up bad a couple days ago and I now know that I probably never will find that special man who will really love me for me.

As I cried myself to sleep last night I made a realization.  My grandkids, my hubby, my best friend Marji (ep) and RL (also ep),  are the only people who have ever told me "I Love You!"  

I realized my mom and dad never once told me or my sister that they loved us.  I was born while mom and dad was stationed in Indiana.  Mom told me a story about how while they were living there, they had gone to the station and while there a lady saw me and thought I was just the most beautiful baby.  She offered to buy me from my parents.  They of course said no.  I am thinking now, maybe my life could have been a lot different.  Maybe she would have loved me, maybe I would have met someoone who loved me for more then just someone to abuse on a regular basis. Maybe I wouldn't have been sexually abused as a child.  My life might be happier, no really bad memories.   

My hubby says he loves me as I walk out the door for work.  Not sure why as I am leaving, maybe he is hoping I will die on the way to work.  I don't know and I don't care anymore because I know he just says it because I am his wife and not because he really means it.  

Since I never had anyone ever express their love for me, I have always had a hard time expressing my love to others.  I am working on this though.  I told RL I loved him because he told me he really loved me and had plans for us for the future.  Being nieve as I am I fell for it and he broke my heart.  I tell Marji everyday that I love her and I do because she is my very best friend.  She keeps me going and I try to be there for her as much as I can.  We just seem to be able to keep each other going.  I love talking to her on the phone because she makes me laugh.  I hope we are best friends till the very end.

 I tell my hubby love you, but it doesn't feel real anymore.  It is just kind of  habit.  It is sad when someone treats you like dirt.  I think there are times he wishes he had killed me when he was physically abusing me.  Maybe that is what was supposed to happen and I cheated death and now I am paying for it.  I am tired of the daily verbal abuse.  I have feelings and he doesn't seem to care.  I think my time here is going to be very short.  I have reached the end of my rope.

So if I tell you "I Love You", you can believe I mean it.  I would never tell someone that and am not sincere about it.  Life is too short to play games with peoples emotions.  I am what I am, I know I have been broken and suffer a lot of pain from it.  I just need someone to help me through all this pain.  I hope there is a future for me, but I am not counting on it.  

My hopes are for 2012 to be a better year for me.  I also hope it is great for all my friends here on ep.  Best Wishes for a Happy New Year to all!!!!!!!!  
teri58 teri58 51-55, F 4 Responses Dec 31, 2011

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Just wait teri afew more days

Thanks for the encouragement!

did you say u never use i love you unless you mean it? but in the beginning you say that u tell your husband u love him out of habit and that "it doesnt feel real". right there u admitted u dont love ur husband and just say it ouy of habit and are in fact lying about loving him.

I have given this amn 36 years of my life and he has abused me in everyway possible. I still love my husband I am just not in love with him.

Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it and I hope you are right.

I dont see how expressing your honest feelings can be viewed as a mistake.<br />
We all need to be validated in our lives. needing to be held, kissed and to feel loved are part of marriage.<br />
I have met men like him, my lover is married to one... There is someone out there who can love you the way you need.<br />
2012 will be a better year. Trust in your heart, love your friends, cause they love you just the same