I Wanted My Friends To Know The Real MeI screwed up bad a couple days ago and I now know that I probably never will find that special man who will really love me for me.
As I cried myself to sleep last night I made a realization. My grandkids, my hubby, my best friend Marji (ep) and RL (also ep), are the only people who have ever told me "I Love You!"
I realized my mom and dad never once told me or my sister that they loved us. I was born while mom and dad was stationed in Indiana. Mom told me a story about how while they were living there, they had gone to the station and while there a lady saw me and thought I was just the most beautiful baby. She offered to buy me from my parents. They of course said no. I am thinking now, maybe my life could have been a lot different. Maybe she would have loved me, maybe I would have met someoone who loved me for more then just someone to abuse on a regular basis. Maybe I wouldn't have been sexually abused as a child. My life might be happier, no really bad memories.
My hubby says he loves me as I walk out the door for work. Not sure why as I am leaving, maybe he is hoping I will die on the way to work. I don't know and I don't care anymore because I know he just says it because I am his wife and not because he really means it.
Since I never had anyone ever express their love for me, I have always had a hard time expressing my love to others. I am working on this though. I told RL I loved him because he told me he really loved me and had plans for us for the future. Being nieve as I am I fell for it and he broke my heart. I tell Marji everyday that I love her and I do because she is my very best friend. She keeps me going and I try to be there for her as much as I can. We just seem to be able to keep each other going. I love talking to her on the phone because she makes me laugh. I hope we are best friends till the very end.
I tell my hubby love you, but it doesn't feel real anymore. It is just kind of habit. It is sad when someone treats you like dirt. I think there are times he wishes he had killed me when he was physically abusing me. Maybe that is what was supposed to happen and I cheated death and now I am paying for it. I am tired of the daily verbal abuse. I have feelings and he doesn't seem to care. I think my time here is going to be very short. I have reached the end of my rope.
So if I tell you "I Love You", you can believe I mean it. I would never tell someone that and am not sincere about it. Life is too short to play games with peoples emotions. I am what I am, I know I have been broken and suffer a lot of pain from it. I just need someone to help me through all this pain. I hope there is a future for me, but I am not counting on it.
My hopes are for 2012 to be a better year for me. I also hope it is great for all my friends here on ep. Best Wishes for a Happy New Year to all!!!!!!!!