Another Birthday/holiday Coming. Ever More So Than Before.
I am more afraid than ever that it just may not happen for me. Another holiday approaches and another birthday is near. Take it I will only be 31 this year. It has been so long since I have felt what it was like to have a person that I felt was truly into me. It has been so long I have forgotten what it feels like to share a moment with anyone. The last few years have not been good to me in that aspect of my life. My love life has been an awful script and it seems everyone around me has one. I don't even know what it is like to have that feeling that someone wants to be around me. Almost all my hope for something good to come into my life has faded. Everything seems not real anymore. I don't want to become an old man without knowing what love feels like. Is it real or a made up story that we get pumped into our heads. I see other couples together and I break up inside. Takes everything I have not to let it out that I am dying from the inside. I have no will anymore to go on. But somehow I manage the energy to press on in hope that maybe this will be the day that all my waiting has come to. The day that someone amazing crosses the path I am on. Everyday ends in the same way that it started. Me at home looking at a wall wondering where it all went wrong. Tracing my steps and thinking if I had turn left and not right then maybe I might have had a chance to cross paths with them. These last few months have harder for me than ever. I want to give up hope and accept my fate of being a sad, loveless and depressed guy who his only joy is feeding the birds at the park. I caught myself doing it the other day. I went for a walk in the park and sat down. I had a bag of trail mix and started to feed them. That was the most joy I have had in years. Now I know why they do it. And afterwards it hit me like a ton of bricks. There is a possibility that I could die without ever knowing what it feels like to be loved by woman. Have kids. Or have the joy that comes when you have a family. Is this the way that my life was mapped out for me. Alone for the last 40 years of my life if I happen to make it that far.