Turning 40 Next Year, Never Been In Love With Anyone Who Loved Me BackMy childhood was the pits, and I have abandonment issues. I have never been married or felt as though I was in a mutually loving relationship. I am coming out of a long-term relationship with a guy I have two children with. He probably never should have been with me, there's someone from his past he should have married, but instead he felt he'd play house with me.
All my adult life I've got into habits of having inappropriate crushes on people (and never acted on them, I've kept a lot inside). Its like I've got a self-sabotage chip when it comes to things like this, and am incapable of forming a normal relationship with a chance the person might actually feel the same way about me.
Needless to say, my self-esteem is rock bottom, I've been battling depression and occasional suicidal thoughts for 10-plus years.
The latest crush is someone I have to work with, they are younger and there's no chance they'd even see me in that light, its torture having to go in there everyday, i'm so sick of it. I wish I could switch off these feelings as there's really no hope for me, I don't even know why I was given these feelings and this longing when I clearly do'nt need them!
I feel like someone up there hates me, or I must have done something awful in a past life to have had so much misery in this one...