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Turning 40 Next Year, Never Been In Love With Anyone Who Loved Me Back

My childhood was the pits, and I have abandonment issues. I have never been married or felt as though I was in a mutually loving relationship. I am coming out of a long-term relationship with a guy I have two children with. He probably never should have been with me, there's someone from his past he should have married, but instead he felt he'd play house with me.

All my adult life I've got into habits of having inappropriate crushes on people (and never acted on them, I've kept a lot inside). Its like I've got a self-sabotage chip when it comes to things like this, and am incapable of forming a normal relationship with a chance the person might actually feel the same way about me.

Needless to say, my self-esteem is rock bottom, I've been battling depression and occasional suicidal thoughts for 10-plus years.

The latest crush is someone I have to work with, they are younger and there's no chance they'd even see me in that light, its torture having to go in there everyday, i'm so sick of it. I wish I could switch off these feelings as there's really no hope for me, I don't even know why I was given these feelings and this longing when I clearly do'nt need them!

I feel like someone up there hates me, or I must have done something awful in a past life to have had so much misery in this one...
Serialcrush Serialcrush 36-40 2 Responses Jul 16, 2012

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Work seems intent on pushing us together and we will soon be sharing an office, he is the nicest guy and a gentleman, i just never expected to be blindsided this way, he would never be the least bit interested in me so is this what ive got to look forward to?<br />
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Thanks for your comments, it helps to be able to talk about it even thought i feel so helpless and depressed about my lot at the moment...

Honey, I'm almost in tears reading this cos its as if am reading my life story. Am also turning 40 next year, never experienced real love, childhood was horrible, no parental love; teen age was bad, heartbreaks here and there; Adult hood crowned it with loveless marriage, had two kids with a guy that never really cared.<br />
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Self esteem is rock bottom. depression is the order of the day. sometimes I say to myself, is life really worth living, yea, suicide thoughts do crave in occasionally but the thought of these kids that God gave me keeps me going, I say to myself, even if nobody love me in this world, I know that these kids do, they are babies but when I look into their eyes, I see love, I will live for them.<br />
God loves us too, though I don't know why He allows the misery, but I know He loves me & you.. Let their love keep us going.