My Life's Story Of "love"

I was always a tomboy as a kid. I wasn't interested in love or in relationships, but as I got older it changed. In fourth grade a boy said that he had thought about saying he liked me, but thought differently about it. That made me start thinking, "what's wrong with me?" middle school, kids made fun of me because I looked like a guy to them. I didn't try for it. I even kept my hair long so that I wouldn't be mistaken for a boy, but it didn't stop them. No one thought I was worth a date or a flirt, so the feeling that it was my fault grew. High school, the comments continued. I had an awkward childhood because for a while I did look and act a bit manly, but I didn't think that should warrant such cruelness. Now, after a year of college and life after school, the feelings are the same. There must be something wrong with me. I attract guys from long distance, states away. Can't take that. I've never even been in a close distance relationship, let alone a long distance one. I also attracted a crazy mental guy while in college. I couldn't handle that.
So my conclusion after all these experiences has come to this, "There really must be something about me that's driving guys away." I've never entwined my fingers with someone else's, never kissed someone, never known what it's like to love, like, or feel beautiful. It sucks and I truly feel like there really isn't anyone out there who'd want to like me. It's quite a crushing thought, but I guess I'm used to it by now.
knuke01 knuke01
18-21
1 Response Sep 14, 2012

Hey, I am 23 years old and I have mostly the same story. It really sucks, really really sucks.
I never lived what other people felt in their teens, I was never corresponded on a crush. I never kissed. I somehow grew out of it when I was younger by just believing that "it would be better this way"...my parents also didnt allow me to go to parties or such. Now that I dont live at home anymore and even have my own money I dont get the same high as other people when I "go out"...I have no problems in friendships...but romantic relationships...zero in all aspects...
I find myself physically hurting everyday by being afraid that I may never feel at least a little bit of the "joy of love", even if the break up comes, I want to at least have it once (!!!).
I feel so so so so jealous when I know about people that just "hook up", or even people that have had, are having the chance of kissing someone...
I am interesting, intelligent, young, not ugly, nice, funny...I know a LOT of "not so dateable/kissable" people that DO HAVE romantic "activities". I have no clue of what to do (and I always try going out and knowing new people, I am active!!!) , and it hurts constantly...like I am always in this anesthesia state, all other feelings feel so dull...
I am starting to register in some dating web sites...I hoped for a sweet relationship with someone that cares for me, but now I am even up for a hook up/what-ever-comes...
you seem younger than me...keep trying I think we deserve it