Written on February 3rd, 2013
So basically, I'm 20, lonely, lack confidence (to say the least), and I feel like I'm literally losing my mind with the desperate desire to find love. Here's the juice: I'm 20, live at home, and I work a decent job. I know for a fact that I'm not a bad guy, I always try to help the next guy out. Now I've been in one relationship in my whole life. It was a girl I met in a hospital for depressed/suicidal adolescents when I was 17. Well needless to say, that's not really the best place to meet the girl of your dreams. She came on to me because I was able to have a fairly carefree outward appearance while I felt like I was dying on the inside. We carried on a relationship after we both did our time there. We didn't often see each other seeing as neither of us had means of transportation at the time. The few times we were able to get together in our year long relationship, it was great. She gave me my first and only sexual experience. Well, naturally I came to find out she had been cheating on me the whole time, using me only for her amusement when she was bored. I cling on to the desperate hope that she at least found something in me to genuinely care for at least at the very beginning. Anyways, I'm rambling. Aside from fake *** **** between coworkers, I have very little contact with the outside world. The few times I've tried going out with coworkers to bar/restaurant places or whatever, I've always gone with the tiniest spark of optimism as far as possibly meeting a woman. No such luck. I always end up making a total *** out of myself. It's gotten to the point where I simply don't do anything anymore, beside my job obviously. I sit on the Internet, play guitar in my bedroom, and drink and jack off a lot. It's gotten so bad that I've actually resorted to creating a sanctuary in my own mind where I can get drunk, lay in bed with my arms around a pillow, and imagine that I'm actually holding a beautiful (not looks, I don't particularly care about that) woman in my arms who actually loves me unconditionally. I don't know, it makes me feel happy sometimes. I'm in such a deep depression that I honestly don't know what the hell is keeping me going. I need something to change, although I honestly don't have any hope from posting this. Just passing time. There are a lot more details but as I doubt anyone is interested, bye.