I'm a Nice Person - Why Does Love Elude Me?

I'm a 38 year old gay man. I've had a small handful of partners in my time. Some have been relationships, most didn't get past first base. I don't really know why other than perhaps I scared them. I'd much prefer to have a steady relationship than a one-night-stand. None of my relationships have lasted very long: a few months at best. My most recent one (which ended in 2005) was, I felt, THE one. I felt so sure about that. But he broke it off for reasons that are still not entirely clear to me. Strangely we have remained good friends, but I've given up any idea that one day he might ask to give it another try, which is probably for the best.

I have always put in an effort to please my partner and show my love (or growing love) for him, but if I had to be brutally honest, none of them reciprocated these feelings. So I really don't know how it feels to be loved by my partner. I was prepared to do anything for my partners because I loved them, but the reverse did not apply.

There has been no end of well-intentioned people who've said to me, "Don't worry, you'll find Mr. Right". I just ignore that now. I've heard it so many times that it's lost its meaning.

And another thing. Some people tell you you need to be out there looking for them. Some people tell you you'll find them the moment you stop looking. I'm afraid neither of these theories have worked for me.

I just tend to think this is completely out of my control and that if it's meant to happen, it will, and if it's not, it won't. If it doesn't, my future really scares me. It scares me because I might turn into one of those old, lonely gay men who visits seedy places for casual sex, because at that age they feel they've got nothing else to lose, and it's not like I haven't dabbled in that sort of activity already. I tell you, that really scares the hell out of me.

So there you go. I've spilled my guts. It really is unfair because I believe I am a good person. I am not perfect (like everyone else), but I have strong morals instilled into me by my upbringing, thanks to my wonderful parents and extended family who do actually care about one another. I am lucky in that regard.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

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6 Responses Jul 13, 2009

Don't be sad , There is no complete love ,Love is not everything , I think it's a waste , It ends with a broken heart U could enjoy things like travelling or doing activities , Remember there is no complete love

You wrote this almost as though you could read my mind. I feel so much like you do and I wonder all the time what to do about it.

Please don't feel alone in this.. Your experiences with Romantic Love resonate well with me.. I always have given my genuine self to the few potential men in my life, but the end result so far has been the same as yours.. Either both of liked each other and the circumstances separated us, or it began well but then the guy just let go.. I also have stopped asking why this happens.. I strongly believe in destiny.. I simply count my blessings and remain positive that one day LOVE will find my heart's door and come in because I keep it forever open :)

I'm sure you are a really nice person! I've felt the same way about meeting men. I've really begun to hate the advise people try and give because none of it really makes sense becaue its all complete bull. I'm sure you've heard it all, just as I have. "You must learn to be happy by yourself first" "Stop looking and it will come to you" "Maybe it's just not the right time for you" "Just occupy yourself with hobbies until then." First you've obviously busied yourself with many things and found lots of activities you enjoy (with friends and by yourself), otherwise you would't still be searching for something to better your chances of finding "him." You've probably done it all. I know I have. Second, I don't think there is anything that you've done wrong. I have a tendency to start tearing myself to shreds trying to find something wrong with me that I need to fix in order to attract a nice man. I've never felt attractive and every guy I've liked/loved has chosen another girl over me. ALWAYS. She's always been prettier and more wonderful in every way. Why wouldn't he want her more? It's really been tough to have all these feelings for people who just don't see you in the same way. I don't know how spiritual you are, but I've seriously started questioning my faith in a God who allows people to go through so much pain. You are a gay man and I'm sure that in way of religion you have been through you're own personal struggles in way of religion (as far as how unaccepting and judgemental people can be). If there is a God, I don't think God would condem anyone for their sexual orientation. If God made me, God made you. And God would want you to have a loving and deeply satisfying relationship with someone who can love you back just as much. I'm sorry you are in this pain. I am too. I too hate where the pain has taken me and the crap I've put up with from guys just because I so badly want to feel appreciated, wanted, love, and cherished. I wish I had something to say that would make you feel better and not so scared about your future. I know exactly where you are coming from. I'm sure that you are a really nice smart good guy and any man would be lucky to be with you. Just know that you are not alone and that you deserve the very best. So don't put up with people who don't treat you the same. Have you ever herd the Bible story in the very beginging of the Bible? The one about creation and how Adam walked and talked with God? That was a perfect world, one where man walked in the presence of a Creator! And yet STILL God saw that it wasn't good for a human to be alone!! We need companionship and a deep sexual romantic love of another human being! I think that in a perfect world where everyone was happy and at peace, we'd still need that special person in our lives. So it's no wonder we feel this way. We are meant to have it; we are created to have it. Recently I've started to pray (if you believe in that sort of thing) that God will take away my desire for a relationship. Its too painful not to have one and to want one so I figure that if I desired nothing, I'd be content. I've contemplated suicide not because I'm some crazy person who doesn't see anything good in my life, but just because it hurts way too much to go through this. You are wonderful and deserving. Keep being the person you want to be and know that you haven't done anything wrong. I think this just pure chance that some people find love faster than others. I'll say a special prayer for you. I hope it brings you Peace.

I agree that you'll find love when you aren't looking for it, or when you least expect it. Out of curiousity in what environment are you meeting these men? Maybe you should start hanging out with a different crowd or in different places.

One of the mysteries of love (romantic love) is that it finds us, instead of us finding it. I agree with your friends that state that we most often find love when we are not looking for it.