I'm a Nice Person - Why Does Love Elude Me?
I'm a 38 year old gay man. I've had a small handful of partners in my time. Some have been relationships, most didn't get past first base. I don't really know why other than perhaps I scared them. I'd much prefer to have a steady relationship than a one-night-stand. None of my relationships have lasted very long: a few months at best. My most recent one (which ended in 2005) was, I felt, THE one. I felt so sure about that. But he broke it off for reasons that are still not entirely clear to me. Strangely we have remained good friends, but I've given up any idea that one day he might ask to give it another try, which is probably for the best.
I have always put in an effort to please my partner and show my love (or growing love) for him, but if I had to be brutally honest, none of them reciprocated these feelings. So I really don't know how it feels to be loved by my partner. I was prepared to do anything for my partners because I loved them, but the reverse did not apply.
There has been no end of well-intentioned people who've said to me, "Don't worry, you'll find Mr. Right". I just ignore that now. I've heard it so many times that it's lost its meaning.
And another thing. Some people tell you you need to be out there looking for them. Some people tell you you'll find them the moment you stop looking. I'm afraid neither of these theories have worked for me.
I just tend to think this is completely out of my control and that if it's meant to happen, it will, and if it's not, it won't. If it doesn't, my future really scares me. It scares me because I might turn into one of those old, lonely gay men who visits seedy places for casual sex, because at that age they feel they've got nothing else to lose, and it's not like I haven't dabbled in that sort of activity already. I tell you, that really scares the hell out of me.
So there you go. I've spilled my guts. It really is unfair because I believe I am a good person. I am not perfect (like everyone else), but I have strong morals instilled into me by my upbringing, thanks to my wonderful parents and extended family who do actually care about one another. I am lucky in that regard.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see.