What I Really Want.

Why is it that I can never meet a great guy in person??  The long distance thing has just lost its appeal to me.  I refuse to put myself through that again.  Ever.  Period.  I ended my engagement because of it.  I met someone else, in person.  A really good friend of mine hooked me up with her brother.  She managed to "talk him up" to me.  When we first started going out, he was very sweet.  He would tell me that I Was beautiful and all.  He would kiss me all night and say stuff like, " I could kiss you like this forever."  Well, after two weeks of dating, he broke up with me because he was scared at how things were moving so fast.  I was devastated because I'd gotten so used to the idea of what being in a "real" relationship would be like.  I've never really had that, only long distance.  After almost two weeks of being broken up, we got back together.  It was never spoken, but I just knew we were an item again based on his behavior. 

At this point, I am confused.  Yeah, I have the boyfriend.  But it is nothing like what I feel I deserve.  I am a humble person and believe in giving everyone a chance, but this is beyond even my generosity.  Since we've gotten back together, he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful or anything.  He won't have sex with me, so I know it's not a sex thing.  We've had sex twice.  I am so self conscious about my body around him.  When we first met he made me feel really secure.  But now, it's different.  He doesn't really want to kiss that much.  He wants me around a lot, and we laugh, talk, and hold hands.  But we are never intimate. 

He doesn't go to work.  His father owns a business where he used to work everyday (he still lives with his parents) but since I've known him, he won't work, just sits home.  It kinda hurt my feelings because I bought him a $40 cheesecake for his birthday/valentine's day.  Well, he told me that he'd go to work the following week to get me something because he felt bad.  He never did.  Instead, I had to pay his sister $20 Friday just to bring him something to my house, because he stayed the weekend with me.  I ALWAYS have to give his sister money to take me to his house and drop me off.  He never offers to pay, but he always has money for weed.  The weed smoking wouldn't bother me, but it is kind of excessive. 

I feel like I am putting everything into this relationship and he is putting nothing in.  He is nearly incapable of having a serious conversation or talking about feelings, so I have no idea how he feels about me.  When I bring something up, he just goes, "Mmhmm, mmhmm, mmhmm.."  Everytime I leave him, I worry that he is going to break up with me again.  The bad part is that I have no idea why I care so much.  I should be relieved for him to break up with me.  I think it's just the whole idea of a relationship and doing things with someone that I've never done that excites me.  Things like, his parents go on a couple's beach trip every year with their kids and their significant others.  This year, he and I will go too.  I'll get to go to their family Easter and meet his grandparents, etc, etc. 

I just don't know if any of that is worth it though.  Why can't I find someone I can do that stuff with, who also isn't afraid to express how they feel about me, and who works??

BellasHappyPlace BellasHappyPlace
18-21, F
Feb 23, 2010