Damaged For Life

I broke it off with him today.  For the last time.  I knew better than to fall in love with anyone.  Because I'm damaged goods.   I'm a hoe.  Always been a hoe.  Cant turn a ho into a housewife unless u are playing scrabble.  I've gone on having many meaningless relationships until he came along.  He was so refreshing.  We used to work together.   We ate lunch together everyday.  We  had really silly quirks like waiting 20min sometimes for one another only to ride the elevator 3 floors and walk in seperate directions.  He was 15 years my senior, but I found him to be the most handsome man I knew.   He seemed to never judge me and he made me feel so special.  Except I not special.  I resented the fact that he kept saying it.  I hate liars. 

We had the most amazing sex ever.  For a dude in his 40s he puts it down.  Neither one of us wanted a relationship.  I slowly stop sleeping with random people.  Almost a year later I hadnt slept with anyone else but him.  I wanted to but I couldnt.  He always refered to me as his "friend".  We never went out on dates, we behaved secretly at work, and I can count on one hand how many times I've gone to his house before 8pm.  Yep I'm a class act.  No logical reason he wouldnt want to scoop me up right?  Note the sarcasm!   I was just the closet ***** that made his toes curl when he needed it.  Im that hideous Xmas sweater your grandmother knitted that you stuff deep in the closet.  And when she comes around you tell her its your fav.  But in reality, you find it disgusting. 

Speaking of Xmas, he asked me a hypothetical question about buying a gift.  My dumb *** thought he was talking about me!!!!!  So I got him a custom gift.  Personalized for his business.  I took 2 weeks to learn the PS program so that I can create it.  I sent the image to the comany to make it.  When I got it, it looked like trash!!!!!  I cried so much.  I figured I had to give something because I told him I would.  He hated it, but he treated it like the ashtray a 6 year old makes outta clay.  I felt like I didnt deserve a gift and neither did he because I didnt get one.

I am fairly attractive in my 20s and a good ****, so why would he get rid of me.  He pacified me, and sometimes if I was lucky I got a ride home.  Dats how you treat hoes so no biggie.  Until I started wondering if someone could really love me flaws and all.  I started to overstep my role.  I tried to break it off.  He started making me feel like he felt the same way.  And like he wasnt seeing anybody else.  But delusional people believe what they want.  I let him know that I knew he was messing with intials XS.  He admitted.  But dont worry, I'm still special. Ha!

I envisioned finding the sharpest Knife to cut all the bad pieces out.  But if I did that, there wouldnt be anything left.  Only living for the sake of my daughter.  Forever trapped in this life once I decided to start hers.  I hope one day she can forgive me.

Relationships are based on honesty.  But when they know the truth, they know to go the other way. Which I dont blame them.  So I fantasize about him loving me.  But I hate when they think they can control my mind to believe that bullshit.  I get it, I'm damaged for life!!!

loudsilence1 loudsilence1
26-30, F
2 Responses May 25, 2012

Before you can accept anyone's love you need to love yourself, flaws and all. And don't kid yourself, everyone's got 'em, nobody's perfect or gone through life unscathed :)

Cheer up girl. Time heals all wounds. And its better now than later. Bigger and better is on ur horizon. Quotes i live by. Smile you look prettier