Can you blame me? Father walked out on us when I was 3, I was molested by a relative at 8, bullied from elementary school up until HS. String of intensely close friendships where they ended up disappearing or bullied by their gf's to end the friendship with me, many many many lovers who of course never stuck around..except one who was in and out of my life for 8yrs or so. One whom I loved with every beat, vessel, and vein of my heart only to marry a girl he met from facebook and known not as long as he did me. Had only 2 proper relationships, one being long distance and he broke up with me and not even a month later he was dating someone else. I have the feeling he was probably carrying on an emotional affair but I have no proof. The other was great and I was loved and looked after but his friends came first no matter what- plus he hated that I had clinical depression. That one ended mutually and we're still friends, I think- we don't talk as much of course. A girl who was an online pen pal and good friend passed away suddenly. As of late, a guy I fell hard for went back to his horrid Ex for the sake of their kid. Every one has been emotionally unavailable or literally unavailable at times, so I take a page from their handbook and harden up even more. Personally, I am the most open, honest, considerate, loyal, encouraging, insightful, surprisingly optimistic person you'd want to meet but my heart has been put through wringers with spikes on it, taken a flamethrower to it, bashed with a baseball bat, had an airplane dropped on it exploding on impact and lastly someone pulling their pants down and plopping a big smelly deuce on it. So, can you blame me if I can't get close? I am genuinely afraid after so many people breaking my heart and so my faith in people is broken also. I know I could for all I know meet an awesome person but how would I know? I'm just too afraid and it hurts too damn much.
Lov3intheasylum Lov3intheasylum
36-40, F
Aug 28, 2014