Lost And Trying To Be Found.
Hello everyone, I am new to this site and I must say, that I can relate to ALOT of things I have read on this site. The last 12 years of my life have consisted of being involved in SOME sort of relationship with someone. The problem was/is that pretty much ALL of the relationships were bad and unhealthy. I have made choices and decisions based off of my FEAR of being alone, that I feel ashamed of myself. Ashamed because I am an independent woman in every other aspect of my life BUT this one. I'm 34 years old and not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this age. I'm desperate to fix it and make it better...but I know that there is something UNHEALTHY and WRONG about doing. There are times where the fear I feel about being alone for the rest of my life LITERALLY terrifies me in a way like nothing ever has. I don't have hardly any friends. I have two people that I hang out with, and they are a couple BUT they give new meaning to the word DYSFUNCTION and it's not always that great to be around them. I find myself thinking ALOT that I shouldn't hang out with them anymore, because all they do is USE me for something. Money, Food, Cigarettes, Pot (yes I smoke lol), or whatever. BUT that fearing part of me controls me and restrains me from ending this toxic friendship, because then I will REALLY be alone and that scares me beyond belief. I am a VERY loving person, compassionate, considerate etc and I have the greatest heart ever...and I NEVER thought this would be ME. Oh and did I mention that I had to move back in with my parents recently due to the most recent failed relationship of mine? I haven't been with anyone for about a month. I find myself feeling SO desperate to have SOMEONE that I can hardly bear it sometimes. This is where the smoking of the pot comes in because I cannot sleep at night because I am SO terrified. I will just lay there and have thought after thought racing through my mind...the most significant one being "Oh My God, please don't let me be alone for the rest of my life." So, I smoke pot to relax me before bedtime so I don't have those racing throughts. All of this is so crazy to me and sometimes in this process I "think" I'm getting better with being alone and then I have a bad day and everything just gets "re-set". I don't know...I just wish I didn't have this PROBLEM!