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Lost And Trying To Be Found.

Hello everyone, I am new to this site and I must say, that I can relate to ALOT of things I have read on this site. The last 12 years of my life have consisted of being involved in SOME sort of relationship with someone. The problem was/is that pretty much ALL of the relationships were bad and unhealthy. I have made choices and decisions based off of my FEAR of being alone, that I feel ashamed of myself. Ashamed because I am an independent woman in every other aspect of my life BUT this one. I'm 34 years old and not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this age. I'm desperate to fix it and make it better...but I know that there is something UNHEALTHY and WRONG about doing. There are times where the fear I feel about being alone for the rest of my life LITERALLY terrifies me in a way like nothing ever has. I don't have hardly any friends. I have two people that I hang out with, and they are a couple BUT they give new meaning to the word DYSFUNCTION and it's not always that great to be around them. I find myself thinking ALOT that I shouldn't hang out with them anymore, because all they do is USE me for something. Money, Food, Cigarettes, Pot (yes I smoke lol), or whatever. BUT that fearing part of me controls me and restrains me from ending this toxic friendship, because then I will REALLY be alone and that scares me beyond belief. I am a VERY loving person, compassionate, considerate etc and I have the greatest heart ever...and I NEVER thought this would be ME. Oh and did I mention that I had to move back in with my parents recently due to the most recent failed relationship of mine? I haven't been with anyone for about a month. I find myself feeling SO desperate to have SOMEONE that I can hardly bear it sometimes. This is where the smoking of the pot comes in because I cannot sleep at night because I am SO terrified. I will just lay there and have thought after thought racing through my mind...the most significant one being "Oh My God, please don't let me be alone for the rest of my life." So, I smoke pot to relax me before bedtime so I don't have those racing throughts. All of this is so crazy to me and sometimes in this process I "think" I'm getting better with being alone and then I have a bad day and everything just gets "re-set". I don't know...I just wish I didn't have this PROBLEM!
worknprogress76 worknprogress76 31-35 1 Response May 21, 2011

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You are not alone in this I have just realized that i have been afraid to be alone every since I was a little girl. i have always thought i needed a man for security purpose. It's strange because i have always been able to take care of myself. I just needed someone to be there to listen to me because my dad always listened; just this alone has always made me feel secure. I have accepted men that did not meet my standards, just longed for the attention of a man no matter what, but you know on this very day, i had to examine myself and see how i always got involved with these men; it seem i was always caught off guard while being vulnerable and needed someone to talk to, but today i took inventory on myself and learned that I have never given myself room to breath after each relationship, but today God is letting me know that it's time to find myself. And when i truly find myself, I want struggle with being alone anymore. It's time for you and me to find out what we like and do not like, it's time to enjoy self. Go out by yourself and treat you. I started doing this and I enjoyed it, until i was caught off guard again with another man. God wants us whole, set free and delivered over all of our fears. Dare to be different and start a new day, by giving yourself what you deserves and that is finding out who you really are.