A Lifetime Alone
I've been terrified of being alone in life for as far back as I can remember. It's all consuming. When I was little I'd dream of prince charming and play by myself (didn't have friends) in make believe fairytale land envisioning all sorts of scenarios meeting and falling in love with him. Throughout school I was alone, my family moving around so frequently that I was never able to stay long enough to make friends. In middle school, I started to become severely depressed, feeling alone, unwelcome, friendless and in general repulsive to everyone. I made a half hearted suicide attempt. I dropped out of high school when I realized that the people I considered friends, really didnt consider me their friend. Since high school, I've had intermittent "panic attacks". I'll sob uncontrollably, rocking, pulling my hair, I cant breathe, I cant think. I have a mantra throughout it, "No one loves me, I'm going to die alone, What is so wrong with me". All I feel is hollow and alone. And desperately afraid. They can build over days, feeling discontent, lacking energy, thoughtless yet troubled, I know something is wrong but cant put my finger on what, Until finally it breaks out. Sometimes they sneak up from left field, hitting me when a song plays or the other day seeing christmas ornaments reminded me of how alone I'll be during the holidays. I've never had a boyfriend for more than 5 months. A few have said they love me, but then dump me. Cant have been truely in love if you dump me a month or two later, right? For Nearly a decade I've had a promise with myself that if by the time I reach a certain age, I still was alone, and was still so miserably discontent with being alone, I'd just call it a day and end it. I dont know if thats what will happen. I cant stand the thought of being the crazy cat lady or the old maid. I have a couple wonderful friends, my adopted family. But thats not enough, Its not the love I desperately need. . I doubt I'll ever get that tho, no one loves me. No one has. And no one will.