Marraige Not Making Me Happy

I have been married for less than 2years and after seeing now that the same issues are not being resolved, although we have been together for 5 y, I am starting to ask myself...'is this it'? My husband is a good, faithful type of guy, but cannot handle conflict. Everytime I want to talk about my feelings or something in the relationship that is not working, he gets defensive, and says the most horrible things, like ' marrying you was the next step I guess'..when I say, I dont feel we are connected, there is no bond and intimacy, he says ' maybe you should be with someone else and me with someone else'...these things have hurt me so deeply. I also have a sexless passion..i dont feel i am getting the love that I so desperately want..that 'look into my eys' kind..that makes you feel secure and seems the only time he wants sex, is when he is horny.....I have started having an affair, that also now, although feeling so perfect, is starting to feel like I am more emotionally attached to this guy than he is..he tells me that it affects him so badly when I am with him, and have to leave to go to my house and husband and he tries to block off from me, trying to live a normal life so that he does not get hurt.....although I sometimes get the feeling its a **** and bull's like he is hot and cold with me......I have to face my life and yet I am afraid...this weekend I done a brave thing....I booked myself into a holiday resort at the beach...all by myself..for the first time in 5 years...can you believe that I was actually anxious to do it! It feels so strange doing my own thing......I go through emotions of calmness, sadness, fear, anxiety...everything at once. I am inlove with my lover, not with my husband, yet, my husband is a good guy...why am I doing this? I am 40 years old....we want to start a, I am not even sure i want that anymore...i even went back on the pill.....everything is a mess....and I am scared of being on my own again.......but I also dont want to live a life of lies....sometimes I think..maybe I should pull myself together and work on my marraige...but something inside me has switched off. I am so afraid of leaving this marraige, and being alone.........anyone else out there that has gone through this? When I was younger it was so much feels like the hardest thing ever.

puggy puggy
6 Responses Nov 27, 2009

I have been in your shoes. I almost cheated. Spent the day with the guy and everything else, only to figure out that's not what I wanted, and went home to my husband. <br />
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Your situation is complicated. Your lover doesn't want to be hurt. That's the reason for the distance. Your husband doesn't connect with you anymore. You deserve to be happy. If the lover makes you happy, and wants to make a relationship work, then you should try to work on that, but make sure your marriage is really over first. It's not fair to anyone involved if you stay married and have affairs. <br />
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Good luck. Wish I could be more help. Some time to yourself might make things easier to figure out.

Hi Lisa..same my dear :)....Read my of anger.....I have not been on here for over 3 mnths...thought it was going better.but not......very disillusioned I have to seems once you are in a sexless marraige ..the only way is out....there is no turn around.....

You posted your story in Nov. 2009. How are things now? Curious cause I am going through something very similar. Let me know. Thanks. Lisa

Frustrated2thecore..before you judge harshly...there are alot of elements that play out might not make sense to you..until you are in my boots..and luckily we will never be able to walk in each others watchful to judge others, lest you fall in the same pit one day...

Thank you littlepurrr. Yes, it is a vaccum...I also cannot understand how you can say you love someone and say the worse things and have no remorse about it..basically laugh it off and say, yeh, its because you **** me, back to it being my man..this situation is dysfunctional...I have to put things in place to redirect my life......Life should'nt be a daily are right..and right now it is.

Hi there Puggy, its painful, and you feel its all your fault at times, and its not. Have you tried counseling and would he go? If you exhaust that avenue and its the same, make changes. What you describe is a vaccum, despite his being a nice guy, he says the worst things someone who loves you can say, maybe you would be better off with someone else? Is he depressed? Maybe he needs help too, but at least try counseling and if all else fails, staying in misery you will find yourself older and wonder why you didnt change things and move on sooner. Better do it before there are children involved. Go for it, live, and enjoy life, it shouldnt be a daily misery.:) I wish you the best.