Marraige Not Making Me Happy
I have been married for less than 2years and after seeing now that the same issues are not being resolved, although we have been together for 5 y, I am starting to ask myself...'is this it'? My husband is a good, faithful type of guy, but cannot handle conflict. Everytime I want to talk about my feelings or something in the relationship that is not working, he gets defensive, and says the most horrible things, like ' marrying you was the next step I guess'..when I say, I dont feel we are connected, there is no bond and intimacy, he says ' maybe you should be with someone else and me with someone else'...these things have hurt me so deeply. I also have a sexless marraige..no passion..i dont feel i am getting the love that I so desperately want..that 'look into my eys' kind..that makes you feel secure and desired..it seems the only time he wants sex, is when he is horny.....I have started having an affair, that also now, although feeling so perfect, is starting to feel like I am more emotionally attached to this guy than he is..he tells me that it affects him so badly when I am with him, and have to leave to go to my house and husband and life..so he tries to block off from me, trying to live a normal life so that he does not get hurt.....although I sometimes get the feeling its a **** and bull story......it's like he is hot and cold with me......I have to face my life and yet I am afraid...this weekend I done a brave thing....I booked myself into a holiday resort at the beach...all by myself..for the first time in 5 years...can you believe that I was actually anxious to do it! It feels so strange doing my own thing......I go through emotions of calmness, sadness, fear, anxiety...everything at once. I am inlove with my lover, not with my husband, yet, my husband is a good guy...why am I doing this? I am 40 years old....we want to start a family....now, I am not even sure i want that anymore...i even went back on the pill.....everything is a mess....and I am scared of being on my own again.......but I also dont want to live a life of lies....sometimes I think..maybe I should pull myself together and work on my marraige...but something inside me has switched off. I am so afraid of leaving this marraige, and being alone.........anyone else out there that has gone through this? When I was younger it was so much easier.....now..it feels like the hardest thing ever.