Constant Battle Inside.

I'm at a constant battle with myself. I'm naturally more quiet but honest when I'm with people, yet I always feel like that's not good enough. Like it's not the "right" way to be. I feel like I have to be more agressive and loud and quit-witted with the bantering because those are the types of people who people seem to like the most. The people who are loud and telling stories and jokes and have the personality of a firecracker. I am pretty quick witted and enjoying bantering and joking too - it adds some spice to life - but that's not the main make up of my personality. I feel more comfortable having regular conversation and connecting on deeper levels. That's what comes naturally to me. A lot of people have called me an old soul and very mature for my age. I think they must be right because I feel more comfortable around older people than I do around people my age.

What I'm afraid of most is that people won't like me if they saw me for who I truly was. I've been fortunate enough to be myself around a handfull of people, and they all went on to become very close friends of mine, so there is hope. But a lot of the guys my age seem to be friends with the loud, agressive girls. That's not me. But I've been too afraid of being myself because I feel like they'll think I'm not interesting. I've tried to play the part of the loud, sharp-tongued girl, but I think I've just come across as being bitchy. That's really not me at all and I think they've sensed that. I'm more fiery by nature. Not bitchy. I've tried to be myself around these people as well, but it's just not happening. I wish I knew how to be comfortable with who I am. The quiet-at-first, but honest, fiery and fun once you get to know me, kinda girl.
lostinwunderland lostinwunderland
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 13, 2010

Quote: "Isn't it better to have a few close and truthful friends than many friends that you can trust. I learned that the hard way when I got betrayed by some friend's I thought where trustworthy."<br />
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Amen to those great words, Poisoningyou!

I'm a very quiet and shy person at first, and as I get to know someone on deeper levels, I open myself more to them. It's not exactly not being be, it's limiting the parts of me that they see at first. And I am compleatly comfortable and happy with myself. I used to not act myself when I was younger, worrying about other people's opinions of me, and I used to act like a compleatly different person. I was not myself, that was not me. Then as I got older, I began to pay more attention to myself and I got to know myself on a deeper level, then I realised, I don't need to worry about those other people. They don't mean anything to me! If they cant get along with the real me, then they're not worth the effort. If I need to be someone Im not around someone, they're not worth it. I thought that even people who are extremely quiet, antisocial, or just plain 'weird' find friends and potential dates. Plus isn't it better to have a few close and truthful friends than many friends that you cant trust. I learned that the hard way when I got betrayed by some friend's I thought were trustworthy.