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What Was I Thinking?

I don't usually subscribe to regrets, but I am kicking myself now. I really wish that I had focused more on my career path earlier in life. I got married- had kids and worked part time throughout, and off and on, but never really launched a "career", even though I did manage to finish college eventually. Ours was a traditional sex-role defined situation. He was the major breadwinner, and I took care of all domestics & worked part ime while finishing college. I fully accept the responsibility of buying into it alI, and worked hard and happily  dedicating my life to my family (I have 4 children) I didn't protect myself financially- and didn't equip myself to be a major breadwinner. What was I thinking? That I would be married forever? Well yes, actually for many years I did. Even when things started going South in the marriage, I convinced myself that I could work it out and endure what I couldn't "fix". Yes, I am an idiot for that. Chalk it up to a learning experience. No one can singularly make a marriage work, no matter how hard they try. It takes two. But it took me  too long to really accept it in my situation. So now, after 17 years, the marriage has finally failed beyond all repair, and I find myself afraid of the financial implications of my impending divorce. It will be a struggle! I can't live in that hell any longer for the sake of a little financial security though.  I was sticking it out, trying to make the best of it for the kids sake. but the emotional cost is too high to bear.  Emotionally I am strong. I am a dedicated mother and friend. I have strong relationships with those I love. What I don't have to help me through this, however, is money. It is a main, constant worry. I cannot find a better job in my field either. There is more firing than hiring going on. I will do whatever I need to do to support my kids, but right now, I'm less than optomistic. Even with child support and alimony, It will be rough. I'm afraid of my children being poor, yet this marriage needs to end. I know that this story is not rare, but I feel very alone in this financial fear.    It feels good to vent! Thanks.

maoffour maoffour 41-45, F Apr 8, 2010

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