Feel Too Vulnerable And Exposed To Show I'm Needy

I think I hide behind a mask of self confidence to keep from showing that deep down, I am really needy.  I guess my fear is that if I do show this side of me- that people will turn away from me. Sometimes it feels like I am suppose to be strong and support everyone around me- but not let them see that I may need help or a hug or whatever in return. 

I guess my past has taught me that the only person I should or could really rely on was myself. The times that I have let my guard down, and let people see that I am not as strong as I appear- they leave. So, I guess I have just learned that is something that should stay locked away.  Whats hard right now is that I have started relying on someone- and getting strength from them- but am afraid to really let them know it. I guess I just never act like anything I go through is really that big of a deal. But, I feel like I am being fake- and pushing them away by not letting them in. Again- the fear steps in, and the past, and feeling like I can't expose myself that completely. Because I would rather have them in my life- even if it's at a bit of a distance- than to lose them completely.

Of course, I'm a girl. I'm prone to emotional outbursts, and overwhelming feelings at times. So, if I am feeling down one day- that's not to say that I won't wake up the next morning and feel like the world is mine. 

I don't know- just my thoughts at the moment...
brokenangel913 brokenangel913
41-45, F
2 Responses Mar 23, 2011

Unfortunately, the world makes us all put on the face of confidence as we go about our day. It is too bad, in that it insulates us from meaningful conversations that might emerge if we were more open. I have found some great friends on EP who I can talk with and it has been so helpful.

thats wat i always say. it sucks so much that we have to hide our real selves. the world would be a much better place if only we could be open with each other.

I soooooo can relate to how you feel. I went to a seminar at my church recently that helps identify root causes for your fears so you can deal with them and start to leave the baggage behind and it helped me a lot. It was run by a nonprofit group familyfoundations.com and the seminar was called Ancient Paths. So much of me hiding who I am and how I feel from people was so tied up in lies that were in my heart, rooted in a deep fear of abandonment that started when I was a child and that I used life experiences to keep reinforcing. Anyway, if they do a seminar at a church near you give it a shot. I feel so much less like Baglady and like I'm living the life I'm supposed to live now, that I'm fulfilling my purpose and I'm not terrified to be vulnerable in front of people anymore.