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Really Afraid Of Change

I've spent the past three weeks in a deep depression, because my sister's dog died (after more than 10 years), my sister left for the navy in October, my dad is 51 this year, and I'm in my junior year of high school and going to be 17 in two months. In my mind it felt like huge chunks of my life were just buzzing by me in super-ultra-fast forward. I just started crying, shaking, or just generally freaking out when I thought about my family members dying off. On occasin I thought I would wake up and be on my death bed.

I spent the last two days with my Grandma Cathy, who is very religious. Some of her advice was good, but after hearing "death" more than 20 times I needed my medication. I went with her to Mass yesterday and that lifted my spirits a bit. I wanted to talk to the priest, but apparently you have to schedule an appointment. We spent our dinner time harmonizing with christmas songs. I was fine until around 12:00 a.m. (Yes my grandma stays up that late). I couldn't sleep. I spent the night tossing and turning, pacing around the apartment, reading the bible, and listening to her grandfather clock go off every 30 minutes.

I keep asking if time really goes that fast. My dad tells me "only if you're working and don't take time to smell the roses", which makes sense, but still brings me back to him getting old. It's scary, it's just been me, my dad, and Jessica until a few years ago. Dad started dating, Jessie was going to college and partying a lot, it was just a mess. Now my sister is gone, my dad is currently on medical because of his shoulder surgery, his girlfriend Roxy lives with us (She's nice and supportive of my recent issues), I just feel like I'll be waking up to beeping machines and doctors around me soon.

toohonestforowngood toohonestforowngood 18-21, F Dec 28, 2009

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