DEATH: Not For Me!

I am afraid of death.  I am also afraid of death, dying, and funerals.  This has stemmed from the death of my maternal grandmother when I was barely 9 yrs old.  Death was never explained to me and being a mere child, I didn't know what to think.  I saw my Grandmother at the end of my bed, jumped out of bed and literally (you might think this is CRAZY looney tunes) ran right through her.  I haven't been the same since.  At the funeral, I thought she was sleeping and that she would wake up and strangle me.  Perhaps I watched too many scary movies about the dead.  I had to see my school councelor because I couldn't sleep in my own bed after seeing the ghost of my deceased Grandma and I slept on the couch for 5 months.  I can't remember how I was able to sleep in my own bed again. 


It freaks me out to go to a funeral, especially when it's someone I care about deeply and/or love.  I get shaky in the knees, can barely bring myself to make it to the casket to view the recently deceased, and I feel like I might knock the casket over.  I feel like I might pass out or faint on top of the body if I am near it. 


I am very inconsolable and cannot be alone at a funeral.  The last funeral I went to was a good friend of mine, who passed away from Cancer on Christmas Day, of 2003.  My niece, thankfully, went with me and I begged and pleaded with her to take me to a bar so I could get drunk, which isn't the answer, but I wanted the reality of it to go away.  I never did go to the bar before the funeral.  I dealt with it soberly and I still to this day cannot get the image of him in his casket or any other of the funerals I've gone to out of my head.  I went to the burial and then went to join the other mourners at a bar.  I was so exausted and over-rought, that I got hard core DRUNK!  That was on New Year's Eve.  I spent that night with my parents after I slept of the being drunk part and was sober.  I went to bed right after the ball dropped.


I have some understanding as to why I am so afraid, yet I don't.  I suffer from PTSD for other reasons, but the whole fear of death thing doesn't help that at all.  My paternal Grandmother is going to be 95 yrs old in FEB and has Alzeimer's Dementia.  Not sure how long she'll be around for and I am trying to block out the fact that she will eventually pass away and a funeral will soon follow.  I don't want to see her, for I don't want to remember her that way.  I did the same thing with my paternal grandpa, her husband, who had the SAME exact disease as my grandma, and I never ONCE visited him.  I was too scared, and thought he would look like he was dead or dying, or perhaps die while I was there.


I've had dreams about funerals being held in my bedroom with the deceased on my bed, in the bathroom where the deceased was in the tub and various other freaky things.  When I fall asleep, I cannot fall asleep on my back and when I am, and conscious of it, I notice my arms are crossed as if I were in a casket, dead.  I automatically turn over onto my side and try to get that thought out of my head and try to fall back asleep.


My biggest fear is my Mom dying.  I don't know how I will react, feel, be, the emotions and thoughts are ENDLESS!  She is my best friend, and has always been in my corner.  I told her I wouldn't go to her funeral cuz I didn't want that sight to be the last memory of her in my head.  It would be way to ******* hard.  She told me she understood, but I know that's wrong and selfish of me to not go.


I find this funny that I am typing this right as I am about to hit the sack!  This will be the last thing on my mind now, and I bet I will have a nifty dream about this topic! 


This is just the tip of the ice berg and really only the jist of it!  I am sure there is more, but I am just getting offly exhausted and know I need to go to bed. 


I hope I am not alone out there about this fear 'o' mine!  Thanks for letting me share it!  


Take Care!  (Dated: 01.06.2007 @3:17am  

Phoenix Phoenix
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 6, 2007

This helped me so much when I lost my father!!<br />
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What Hope for Dead Loved Ones?<br />
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“If a man die, shall he live again?” asked the man Job long ago. (Job 14:14, King James Version) Perhaps you, too, have wondered about this. How would you feel if you knew that a reunion with your loved ones was possible right here on earth under the best of conditions?<br />
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Well, the Bible makes the promise: “Your dead ones will live. . . . They will rise up.” And the Bible also says: “The righteous themselves will possess the earth, and they will reside forever upon it.”—Isaiah 26:19; Psalm 37:29.<br />
To have real confidence in such promises, we need to answer some basic questions: Why do people die? Where are the dead? And how can we be sure they can live again?<br />
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Death, and What Happens When We Die<br />
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The Bible makes it clear that God did not originally intend for humans to die. He created the first human pair Adam and Eve, placed them in an earthly paradise called Eden, and instructed them to have children and extend their Paradise home earth wide. They would die only if they disobeyed his instructions.—Genesis 1:28; 2:15-17.<br />
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Lacking appreciation for God’s kindness, Adam and Eve did disobey and were made to pay the prescribed penalty. “You [will] return to the ground,” God told Adam, “for out of it you were taken. For dust you are and to dust you will return.” (Genesis 3:19) Before his creation Adam did not exist; he was dust. And for his disobedience, or sin, Adam was sentenced to return to dust, to a state of nonexistence.<br />
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Death is thus an absence of life. The Bible draws the contrast: “The wages sin pays is death, but the gift God gives is everlasting life.” (Romans 6:23) Showing that death is a state of total unconsciousness, the Bible says: “For the living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all.” (Ecclesiastes 9:5) When a person dies, the Bible explains: “His spirit goes out, he goes back to his ground; in that day his thoughts do perish.”—Psalm 146:3, 4.<br />
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However, since only Adam and Eve disobeyed that command in Eden, why do we all die? It is because all of us were born after Adam’s disobedience, and so we all inherited sin and death from him. As the Bible explains: “Through one man [Adam] sin entered into the world and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men.”—Romans 5:12; Job 14:4.<br />
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Yet someone may ask: ‘Don’t humans have an immortal soul that survives death?’ Many have taught this, even saying that death is a doorway to another life. But that idea does not come from the Bible. Rather, God’s Word teaches that you are a soul, that your soul is really you, with all your physical and mental qualities. (Genesis 2:7; Jeremiah 2:34; Proverbs 2:10) Also, the Bible says: “The soul that is sinning—it itself will die.” (Ezekiel 18:4) Nowhere does the Bible teach that man has an immortal soul that survives the death of the body.<br />
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How Humans Can Live Again<br />
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After sin and death entered the world, God revealed that it was his purpose that the dead be restored to life by means of a resurrection. Thus the Bible explains: “Abraham . . . reckoned that God was able to raise [his son Isaac] up even from the dead.” (Hebrews 11:17-19) Abraham’s confidence was not misplaced, for the Bible says of the Almighty: “He is a God, not of the dead, but of the living, for they are all living to him.”—Luke 20:37, 38.<br />
Yes, Almighty God has not only the power but also the desire to resurrect persons whom he chooses. Jesus Christ himself said: “Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.”—John 5:28, 29; Acts 24:15.<br />
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Not long after saying this, Jesus met a funeral procession coming out of the Israelite city of Nain. The dead young man was the only child of a widow. On seeing her extreme grief, Jesus was moved with pity. So, addressing the corpse, he commanded: “Young man, I say to you, Get up!” And the man sat up, and Jesus gave him to his mother.—Luke 7:11-17.<br />
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As in the case of that widow, there was also great ecstasy when Jesus visited the home of Jairus, a presiding officer of the Jewish synagogue. His 12-year-old daughter had died. But when Jesus arrived at Jairus’ home, he went over to the dead child and said: “Girl, get up!” And she did!—Luke 8:40-56.<br />
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Later, Jesus’ friend Lazarus died. When Jesus arrived at his home, Lazarus had been dead for four days. Although deeply grieved, his sister Martha expressed hope, saying: “I know he will rise in the resurrection on the last day.” But Jesus went to the tomb, ordered the stone to be removed, and called: “Lazarus, come on out!” And he did!—John 11:11-44.<br />
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Now think about this: What was Lazarus’ condition during those four days he was dead? Lazarus did not say anything about being in a heaven of bliss or a hell of torment, which surely he would have done if he had been there. No, Lazarus was completely unconscious in death and would have remained so until “the resurrection on the last day” if Jesus had not then restored him to life.<br />
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It is true that these miracles of Jesus were of only temporary benefit, since those that he resurrected died again. However, he gave proof 1,900 years ago that, with God’s power, the dead really can live again! So by his miracles Jesus showed on a small scale what will take place on earth under the Kingdom of God.<br />
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When a Loved One Dies<br />
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When the enemy death strikes, your grief can be great, even though you may hope in the resurrection. Abraham had faith his wife would live again, yet we read that “Abraham came in to bewail Sarah and to weep over her.” (Genesis 23:2) And what about Jesus? When Lazarus died, he “groaned in the spirit and became troubled,” and shortly afterward he “gave way to tears.” (John 11:33, 35) So, when someone you love dies, it does not show weakness to cry.<br />
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When a child dies, it is particularly hard for the mother. Thus the Bible acknowledges the bitter grief that a mother can feel. (2 Kings 4:27) Of course, it is difficult for the bereaved father as well. “O that I might have died, I myself, instead of you,” lamented King David when his son Absalom died.—2 Samuel 18:33.<br />
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Yet, because you have confidence in the resurrection, your sorrow will not be unrelenting. As the Bible says, you will “not sorrow just as the rest also do who have no hope.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13) Rather, you will draw close to God in prayer, and the Bible promises that “he himself will sustain you.”—Psalm 55:22.

I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who is so scared of death. I just went to a funeral for my best friends finance. He took his own life and for some reason I am having a harder time with this one than I have had with any other death. He was just 24 years old and I think that is part of the reason. Everyone in my life that has pasted has been an elder and died for health reasons so to have someone my age die (no matter how he died) is like a ton of bricks throwing you back into reality. I have a 2 year old daugther and the thought of my dying and leaving her so early scares the **** out of me. <br />
I am also very close with both my parents. I am an only child and they are my life. They are my best friends and they still help me if I am having money problems, they watch my daughter until I get off work, and they are always there to help no matter what the problem is. I don't know what I will do when the time comes for them. <br />
I will often wake up in the middle of the night and just pray for 15-20 minutes that god doesn't take them away for another 30 to 40 years. I still need them and I am not ready to be in this world alone. I am not close enough to the rest of my family to depend or rely on any of them. My daughter is the only thing that helps me emotionally pull through those thoughts. At least I will have her when they are gone. And heaven forbid I ever have to bury her. I don't think I would make it through.

I totally understand how you feel I'm scared of dying myself sometimes i lie in bed and start crying thinking i might just die in my sleep and i'm just so petrified like i get this panicky feeling my heart starts beating faster i start breathing heavy sweating it's crazy like i fear just not being on this earth anymore not waking up nottalking to family or friends its nerver wrecking i fear other people dying especially family and friends i'm like you i guess but the only difference is i just be mean and selfish to people cause i don't want to get close to them and than they just pass away ok im getting tired now hope to talk to you soon