Driving Terrifies Me

When I was 15, my sister got into a very horrible car accident. She overreacted while going a high rate of speed. She hit a bush hard enough to take out the driver side window. We waited three days to confirm that she was brain dead. I think that it affected me more than I had originally realized. At first, it was just out of respect to my mother not getting behind the wheel so soon after my sister's death. Then I got my permit at 18 when I thought I was ready for it, I didn't have a job before then and I'm kind of a recluse so I hadn't had a need before that time. We ended up moving not long after and my job was in walking distance, so again no real need. By the time, I did need one, I had a child. I drove around a parking lot a few times, even got a new permit for the state in which I was living. Then I got pregnant again about a year and a half later, and my husband refused to teach me while I was pregnant. So here I am, I'm 23. I have an actual license, two toddlers, and probably less than 60 total on the road. My anxiety didn't really kick in until after I got a license. With my permit, I actually felt okay, maybe it was because I knew I would never be in the car alone with my children. Now it's like every time I think about driving even alone, I can't stop thinking about the what if's. What if I were to get into an accident with my children, and they are seriously injured? What if I get seriously injured? It's like it won't stop. I can't calculate all the variables in my head, and it just freaks me out. There are so many things that I have to remember, and I have to responsible for the two little lives in the backseat. I just don't want to do something that will kill them.
cthuluwhovian cthuluwhovian
22-25, F
Jan 8, 2013