My 4th Bday Tragedy

4 years old.
It was the best birthday ever, until my life was changed forever.

I have only watched the videotape of my 4th birthday ONE time my entire life.
Two years ago.
It broke my heart to see what really happened that day.

I had finally gotten the dog I always dreamed of. The best gift I have ever received to this day.
Nothing could possibly go wrong on such a perfect day.
Until my life was changed forever.
I was also given a pink bicycle that I couldn't wait to try out.
I kept begging my dad all day, "Help me ride my new bike, please dadddee?!" as I grabbed his hands and danced around.
He was trying to make it a happy day for me but said "I need to cook lunch for everyone first".

I patiently waited and waited.
I was told to open the rest of my presents, THEN we would eat, and THEN daddy would teach me to ride my bike.

Finally my presents had all been opened.
I knew that lunch was next...and then...MY BIKE!

I was playing with my cousins waiting to eat.
My dad had gone out onto the back patio to cook the hamburgers.

I remember hearing a big BOOM!!!

And suddenly everyone was running around in a panic.

My aunt told me "Your mom has left to take your dad somewhere really quick but they will be back soon".

Anger, confusion, and sadness enveloped my little body more than I had ever felt before.
I started to cry, and scream "I want to ride my bike!! My daddy promised me!!!!".
I didn't understand what was going on or why my dad had left me on my birthday. Or why he would break his promise to me.
I just wanted to ride my bike so much!

I don't remember the rest of that day whatsoever.
My (usually) amazing memory goes blank after that.

Two years ago when I watched the videotape of my 4th birthday, I felt that unbearable sadness, confusion and anger all over again.
It makes my soul cry to even think about it.

On the videotape, I finish opening my presents.
My dad (who was recording) says to me with a smiling voice "------, look over here." I look at my dad instead of at the video-camera.
He records me flash him my happy smile.
And then nothing. The recording had ended.

As I drag my 19 year old body off the bed to turn off the videotape, I am suddenly stopped.
I am startled to see my dad's face on the t.v. screen.
My mom is recording.
I sit back down on the bed and think to myself:
"What is this? I didn't know anything else was on this tape.."

My dad is laying on a hospital bed placed in our living room.
He starts to speak in a nervous yet optimistic-sounding voice.

Well about five minutes after that...

I can hear his voice get real jittery. The only other time I heard him speak like that was at his grandma's funeral.

A-about five minutes later....
I went outside to.. to cook hamburgers,
and I-I walked over to the barbeque.
I turned on the gas and lit the burner.
I glanced down and saw that the...
the smaller tank of propane that we take camping,
had started to catch fire.
It had just been refilled and was sitting
underneath the grill next to the barbeque's propane tank.
I was not thinking very clearly since I was so startled.
I was about to try to put the fire out when suddenly
I hear one of the loudest, most deafening sounds I'd ever heard.
My vision is suddenly filled with...just...WHITE.
There was a bright white flash before me...
it was a huge fireball that rose 50ft into the air.
I realized my clothes had caught fire.
And of course like an idiot, I run.


The rest of the video goes on to describe how much unbelievable pain he was in and the trouble they had trying to get to the ER.
My dad was describing how it felt like the fire was still burning him, even when he jumped in the freezing cold shower.
He said he just couldn't get the water cold enough.
It felt like the fire was still burning him.

My biggest fear that I have is being burned.
I am DEATHLY afraid of being burned.
I love campfires and fireworks, but I FEAR being burned.
This has been my biggest fear even
before I watched my dad describe his experience,

I remember what happened on my 4th birthday.
No matter how hard I try... I can't seem to forget.

My 4th birthday was the MOST traumatic day of my life.
Ever since that day, my family has never been the same again.
We all fell apart after that birthday.

Now I abuse drugs because I hurt.
I hurt because my drug abuse has broken my parents hearts.
My parents abuse alcohol because they hurt.
They blame themselves for my addiction.
It's such a vicious, deadly, excruciatingly painful cycle of guilt and resentment.
But that's another fcuked up story for another fcuking day.