Fine. I`ll Admit It.I still have feelings of unworthiness that follow me around like a shadow. I`ve had both sides of my family, and his family, and him, go back on their words. Turn around and two face me. Say they will then they wont. Denied me any real compassion and care when I had nothing else.
I went through an exceptionally traumatic time of my life several years ago, and still I have not healed from it. Carrying around the pain still, and I seem to feel that no one will love me again, not the way I need and want.
I`ve been pushing men away for years, and now I`m afraid to open up. I think I`ve been trying to give up on the idea of love this past year. Daydreaming less. Putting less energy into it.
I hate that I fear it now. That now when it comes close to me, my reactions aren`t what I want them to be. I`m afraid now. I`m feeling too emotionally big, and doubting my worth with love.
I know there is no love in fear. I know love in its purity has the ability to eliminate fear. I just wish I`d get over the pain I feel when even strong attraction comes around.
And I don`t want to be afraid anymore.
Not afraid of this.
It makes no sense.