Fine. I`ll Admit It.

I still have feelings of unworthiness that follow me around like a shadow. I`ve had both sides of my family, and his family, and him, go back on their words. Turn around and two face me. Say they will then they wont. Denied me any real compassion and care when I had nothing else.
I went through an exceptionally traumatic time of my life several years ago, and still I have not healed from it. Carrying around the pain still, and I seem to feel that no one will love me again, not the way I need and want.

I`ve been pushing men away for years, and now I`m afraid to open up. I think I`ve been trying to give up on the idea of love this past year. Daydreaming less. Putting less energy into it.
I hate that I fear it now. That now when it comes close to me, my reactions aren`t what I want them to be. I`m afraid now. I`m feeling too emotionally big, and doubting my worth with love.

I know there is no love in fear. I know love in its purity has the ability to eliminate fear. I just wish I`d get over the pain I feel when even strong attraction comes around.

And I don`t want to be afraid anymore.
Not afraid of this.
It makes no sense.
Cinderelly Cinderelly
36-40, F
10 Responses Dec 23, 2007

Hi. I read your words like I am reading about myself. Many high position and rich men around me ask me for getting married or serious relationship but why I don't feel glad or anything. I run away from any attack from men and push them away by something I make which I call " art". Until now I can't release myself from the things happened and I can't forgive myself although I forgave him and my family a long time ago. Sometimes I wonder if I should be a flirter and treat people like the same way I was treated but I can't. Happiness seems too expensive for me to achieve.

Wow. Another aww moment!<br />
It`s so funny to me when I find myself wordless in a place like this, so I just laugh, but no one hears it! :D<br />
<br />
I know I need the venting, but I usually need to get myself worked up enough for a vent. To write about it otherwise feels like work to me, but you're right. It`s gotta be done. I do want to be done with it, that`s for sure. Maybe that`s the only way that it will be done with me. I have a place to put it, it`s just the doing that needs to be done. Already.<br />
I think i need to just make the time and the commitment first.<br />

The thing is, we all to some degree have a feeling of unworhiness. We all want that connection to another, that resting quiet place of love, of strength, of pure compassion. <br />
<br />
Cinderlly - your beauty astounds us all. You are so-so worthy. But somehow you don't get this?<br />
<br />
And these "unfortunate events", I think, need some venting. <br />
<br />
Some pretty indescript words for something so profound and painful to you.<br />
<br />
You are already perfect as you are.

Aw! That was so awesome to say, thanks. :)

Yeah. I think when I first came here I thought it might be a good place to just let it go, but after all this time, I just haven't done it yet. I guess I'm afraid to. I know there are a lot worse stories in this place than mine, but its still hard to share them.<br />
thanks for listening. :)<br />
<br />
And as for this love thing. I think I`ll wait...

Cool. I understand. Some of the things I've shared recently took me months to share. Some of it I shared via email with a couple of people, but took me awhile to build up to it.

No. I haven`t. <br />
<br />
I'm still not sure when or how I will.<br />
Only my close friends in my life know about my past.<br />
I'm apprehensive about sharing them so publicly.<br />
And even my blog is accessible to over 80 people, and thats a little too much for me. I`ve been rolling the idea of a new close friends only blog in my mind under a different name, just to preserve my need for privacy. It would be great if there was another level of blogness in our profiles that could allow us to show it to circle members that we choose to let see it, but at this point, having another, new blog to write in has become appealing to me.<br />
But writing these stories down is something I haven't been ready to do yet. Soon, i think. I`ll keep you posted. :)

Have you shared stories somewhere here about what has happened to you? <br />
<br />
"these unfortunate events"?

Yes I suppose.<br />
But a triple whammy`s worth.<br />
On top of a previous family injustice.<br />
<br />
I know it`s silly to fear the things I most want. I know it`s wrong to think or feel that I'm unworthy of love, when I know I'm not. But I feel I`ll bring to much unused pain into it. I know I`d have to feel and express it as it comes up with someone loving. I know I`ll get over it, but I really don't think anyone would be willing or patient with me long enough for me to let it go. To move forward into what Love really is. <br />
<br />
I may have been insecure a long time, but I was never afraid of love before these unfortunate events happened to me. Now, with all of these things and a fear of love, it makes me feel that I, like Fiona Apple sings, am a mess he don't wanna clean up. Whoever he is.<br />
<br />
I just think I have to make myself better than I am to ever get close to it again.<br />
And I wonder if I really feel that way.

I think almost everyone is...<br />
<br />
Too bad, cindy, you and someone else are missing out. The unworthiness....because you've felt abandoned?