How Selfish A Man..

I never thought I could be this selfish. Or even this foolish, for that matter.

Maybe I should cover a bit of background here first. I'm a bisexual teenager with a pretty decent life with lots of friends and a good family. I really have nothing to complain about. My life's actually pretty great. Not perfect certainly, but whose is?

So I guess I'm the least likely guy to complain about romantic problems. I'm a moderately decent looking guy too. At least, I'm not too terrible-looking. I don't want to brag even if it sounds like I am, but if I wanted to, I could probably pick up a decent portion of the girls in my area. I've done it before; I guess I just have some sort of effect on people. So what's my problem? I'm too afraid to commit to a long-term relationship with any of them.

I really have no reason to complain. In the past few years I've been with several different people. They all meant something special to me, no matter how insignificant that special something was, and I'm glad to have had the experiences with all of them. First there was Caitlin, my first girlfriend whom I left two years ago but came back to later. Then there was Makayla, who showed me how to have a little fun in life. Then there was Michael, who helped me open my mind to the possibilities. Shelby helped me see a simpler side of myself, and Carrie helped me understand just a little bit about compassion. I'm glad to have known all of them and had the opportunities to date them, but things have gotten complicated.

For a long time I was away from a life I had known earlier. I'll cover that in an entirely unrelated story. But after two years I'm right back into the same life I knew before, and dating Caitlin again on top of it. There was a reason I left her in the first place, and it's the same reason I know things won't last now: I'm not strong enough. I'm a much more emotional person than I can let on to her, and I'm not always sure how stable I am. I feel so weak whenever I'm dating someone, like I've been damaged and don't know how to fix it or what the source is. I'm afraid to get into a long-term relationship with anyone because I haven't seen true love in my family for years with the possible exception of my sister, who lives her own life elsewhere.

What am I supposed to do? Caitlin says she loves me, though she doesn't have much experience with romance to tell; that aside, I don't know if I can find myself loving her. I don't know what love really is or if I can coax it out of myself, even if I may have many of the qualifications of a good match. I'm not strong enough to find love or to stay with it. What's worse is when I find myself dreaming about being with an entirely different person altogether, a person I have loved and cared for for a very long time, but leads a completely separate life all his own. How the hell do I work with that? It's like I fall in love what that which I cannot have, not with those which I can have. To top it off, other girls at school and around town have indicated their interest in me, yet I feel nothing for any of them.

Being bisexual sucks. I can never be sure of what it is I'm after in a romantic partner, no matter their sex. I simply don't know what I want, and now she may have to pay the price for my foolishness. Why does this have to be so convoluted? Everyone's always talking about how they can't find a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and I'm the one they go to for advice. If only they knew. If only they knew that I was just as hopeless a case as some of them are. Anyone would think that having the abilities and the general know-how to date anyone I wanted would be a superpower. But it's a superpower I almost wish I didn't have. Granted I'm thankful to be blessed with it, but not knowing what I want and then seeing so many people around me think I'm so great sometimes hurts. It's like having every option but the right one. And I simply don't know what to do anymore.

Dating sucks. And I'm a deceiver. It's even in my name.

I'm afraid of love. I don't want it. Even if I can trick myself into believing it wants me.
But I don't know how. I don't know how to love somebody even if they may love me.

Because I have high standards. And the one I want, I can never be with. And sometimes that hurts.

So I guess now it's time to stop looking, if only for a little while.
ViewFromHeaven ViewFromHeaven
Mar 14, 2012